Aunt passed away...

i guess i am just venting i have to go to my aunts funeral tomorrow , all the family is going to be there, this includes my father and his wife (my abusers) i am so stressed out and my other half cannot be here.... Could not get off work... I feel really vulnerable about seeing him , he is really sick and yes he is my father and i guess i care but i am not sure why i would care if he is sick or not .... I use to wish he would become ill, feel really guilty about that.
I told him that because he would not own up to what he did god would make sure he suffered and boy he is suffering,,,,, I know this was not right but all i wanted was for him to say he was sorry so i could move on... He would not do that,,, So i wished him ill and now, this is the 2nd person to die on my fathers side, they seem to come in three's in my family, don't know about anyone else but anyhow....
Was it to much to ask? just an apology !! It is 2 am again and i cannot sleep nobody is on and I am alone !!!

I can follow your logic there, but it is faulty. You can't legitimately blame yourself for your aunt's death. That is not something that you had control over. Wishing for your abuser to suffer makes sense, and I would never think any less of you for it, but if you can find a way to let go of those feelings and stop poisoning yourself with them, you would be happier and better off. No, it's not easy. Do it for you, not for him. You deserve to be able to move on and stop feeling bad about things related to something that happened to you when you were young, that you couldn't control. You can't change the past, but you can start now and make a better future.

I'm sorry about your aunt, and I'm sending good thoughts to comfort you and help you get through the days to come.

<font color=orange>"Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."</font color=orange>

I'm so sorry honey, Take care of yourself.

*hugs*

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>