[MtnTime2896]

These SI thoughts are getting really bad. Even when I feel okay, I'm still working on the details of my plan. It's like last year all over again. I've even settled on the date. That date is my deadline to have all my plans settled, letters written and promises fulfilled. It's also the deadline for me to stop thinking like this. If I can't get this out of my head by then, I'm going to have to do it.
I know I've said I never will, and there's a part of me still believing that, but this deadline will be the deciding factor. "I'm forced to deal with what I feel. There is no distraction to mask what is real." -Twenty One Pilots. Nothing's working to stop these thoughts and I've almost given into them several times over the past twenty-four hours. Giving myself a deadline, well...oddly enough it's keeping me alive. At least, until then.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm sorry you're so in pain right now. I care about you

You have been posting about some terrible stuff. Your fiance, mom, brother, and sister need you more than you realize. Talk to them. I know it is hard. Don't be ashamed because of what he did to you. That is not your fault. Don't shield them from the truth. It's OK to feel bad but you feel that way through no fault of your own. Please hang on. It would be fitting for you to survive longer than him! Do you agree?

[Fuzzybear]

Grrrrrrrrrr at who caused this pain

I would be a hypocrite to tell you not to, or give some kind of advice when I am in the same place pretty much. I hope that things can change for you so you won't have to think or feel like this anymore, it is a horrible way to live.

You are a good person from what I have seen here and have helped me a lot over the past few weeks. I am here if you want to talk, I may not be good at giving advice but I am a good listener.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

Giving myself a deadline, well...oddly enough it's keeping me alive.

If odd works, then good for odd!

[BrownHat22]

When speaking on topics like this, it is hard to not sound cliched, or in a way that is presumptuous of another individual's pain. The fact of the matter is that I don't know exactly what you are feeling, because depression is different for everyone.

What I can tell you however, is that your life is important, that you - you personally - make a difference in the world and have a tremendous impact on it. That's not me being melodramatic either, take a moment and think about the website you are on right now. This is a place where depressed and suicidal people gather for a sense of community, togetherness, and support. Think of the lives that you have helped, saved even, from walking down a path that cannot be returned from. Consider the future impact that these lives will have on the world. By simply participating and helping those around you, you've helped someone's son, daughter, mother, father, doctor, manager, or leader. There is not a single person who walks this Earth that is truly worthless, especially with regards to someone like yourself who helps those in need.

So please, please reconsider this. Know that there are those who love you, and care about your wellbeing.

[elevatedsoul]

Pain keeps me alive

by Kevin Boundy AKA the ghost

No one can get through to me.
The lights are on, but nobodies home.
I stay inside my mental prison.
Safe and sound behind this dome.

I have great friends and yet, I feel lost.
Social life just seems miles away.
My greatest goal in my life is simple;
Just to make it through the day.

I keep all this pain inside my soul.
I know no relief or vent.
The strength to make it through,
seems to be so heaven sent.

Without a heart, or soul, I stand.
Finding it hard to survive.
I am numb to all happiness.
pain is what keeps me alive.

Sad poem : Pain keeps me alive

This Pain Keeps Me Alive

The pain creeps so slowly
the pain I thought I had banished
the darkness swallows my soul.
I can't find peace
the world won't allow
it just rips my soul to pieces.
No one understands,
this burden put on me
a life I was not meant to live
has finally found me again.
I thought I was over the pain
the pain that creeps so slowly.
I thought that I could hide,
hide in the darkness forever
not making a sound to hide from the world.
I am alone.
A wolf without a pack,
I find no love, no joy, no happiness.
Only pain, sorrow, and hurt.

These are the things I keep with me
The things I leave in my wake.
I cannot throw them away.
They keep me alive as nothing else will.
In my eyes my soul is colder than the world.
It has no room for love and caring.
It has been taken over by the pain,
The pain I want no part of but must have.
I sometimes wish for death,
but that would end the pain that keeps me.
The pain will not let me go as I will not let it.
I try to hide from the world and pain in dreams
dreams that don't exist, they just shelter me.

This pain is hard to bear,
It just won't leave.
As I think I realize that I don't want it to,
It shelters me from the worse pain,
The pain of the fact that I am not loved,
Most do not notice me.
They do not like the pain in my eyes,
It scares them. Them that lead perfect lives,
They don't need pain to keep them happy as I do.
This is my world.
True it sucks with the pain slowly creeping,
but it keeps me alive, sane, happy.
True it is a twisted happiness,
but a happiness I need to save me,
save me from the greatest pain of all.
No Love. No Pack. No Life.

So I sit here in the empty room
I know my pain must end,
But when will it end as all things must?
So here I sit,
A packless wolf,
A loveless child,
And the blood is drying,
My blood, is drying, staining
On the cold, white, marble floor
© 7 years ago, Meghan Bitter

https://allpoetry.com/poem/5552913-T...y-AshesofGrace


song may be triggering

I love you

[guiltier65]

I am so sorry that you are feeling so lost and hopeless right now! I've been there much too often myself lately. You do whatever it takes to keep you alive. I won't pretend I know exactly what you feel, that would be arrogant and presumptuous on my part. But I do know what it's like to feel so numb and cold inside that you run a redlight for an adrenaline rush.... I know that it can be so hard to breathe that you feel that you might as well stop breathing entirely. I know that in those moments, something made me reach out: then I realized that I wasn't alone... that other people got it.... So I took another breath. I hope you will do the same.

[jellyfishpng]

this sounds really difficult, and frankly not too different from my situation, except i don't have a set date in mind. i would encourage you to reach out to anyone you can, such as a friend. although that might help, i know it is incredibly difficult. i'd recommend you talk to a doctor or try to find a therapist who deals with issues you're struggling with. it can really change your life and help you see what you can do in order to continue. i hope everything gets better. you deserve it.