[biiv]

havent felt this bad in ages. why? i loathe myself. i cant get out of this. life is just clawing your way to the top only to have the cliff collapse again. i hurt. all those times i wanted to not exist. why couldnt it happen? i feel stuck between living and death. i feel like two people and at the moment the evil one has power. and i cant kill it. i cant stop. someone ... help me. why is that such a futile phrase? why when i speak does it die in the air between us? theres a vacuum that nothing gets across. im afraid its in me too. theres something not real. reality is so fickle. im so depressed tonight im losing my mind again. i could let it go. i could watch the walls literally move in front of me like mercury. i could give in to the panic. what is that triggering? i remember those nightmares. where did they come from? shut up!!! i am so sick of hearing myself think!!
there is nothing wrong with me. do you hear me? you are a perfectly normal person who is driving herself mad. why the hell would i do that? because the irony is i might as well not exist but i cant stop existing!!
someone shoot me now and put this insane mind out of its misery.

i just want you to know that you are not alone in the way you are feeling....i am feeling just like you...but we can't give up.......hold my hand and we'll try to keep each other afloat.....know you're not alone and i care........

[Bethsway]

I am so sorry you are feeling so low right now...Please know that I am hoping you can pull this feeling very soon and feel better every day!

[MyBestKids2]

Please biiv know that you are not alone. We all here at PC care and are here for you, anytime.

((((Biiv))))


Dee

[Fuzzybear]

I'm so sorry for your pain! Wish I could say something that would take away your pain....but we're all here for you and care!!

((((((((((((((((( biiv ))))))))))))))))

[bebop]

(((biiv))))

[okiedokie]

(((((biiv))))

Depression sucks!! I've been exactly where you are now and it is dreadful.

Try to remind yourself that depression makes our minds lie to ourselves. You're not getting an accurate read on things BECAUSE of the illness.

Are you on meds? Do you have a doctor? If yes, give a call. If not, this might be a good time to seek one out.

The good news is that you can get better. I know because I did and I never thought I would.

Soooo, don't give up hope and get some help. You are SO worth it!!
XXOO,
Okie

[debbie_tabor]

I have similar quandaries about existing, I understand.

(((((((((((biiv)))))))))))))

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((biiv))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am here listening and understanding. I am sorry you are hurting so much.

BB

[TryingToCope]

(((((biiv)))))
We are here for you.

(((((((((((((( biiv )))))))))))))))

I'm here for you, too!

((((((biiv)))))

I hear you and I am listening. I understand and I feel what you are saying. But together we can make it if we hold on to each other. Depression is strong but together we can push it away. I am reaching out with all I have in me, will you take my hand and together we will pull each other through. It may not be easy, but what two people can do together builds a strength that can tear down strong holds. I do care and am right here.

That feeling of somewhere between life and death is a hard place to be. At times taking that breath can seem like grasping. The inhale hurts as you struggle to catch it and the exhale never seems to come. And it hurts as you wonder will the next breath even come. But it does my friend. One breath at a time, it comes. Take it slow and breath in and breath out again. You are alive and you will be okay.

That phrase "help me" does not go unheard dear. I hear you and I send my strength and thoughts to you. I too have felt it disappear somewhere--but not here. We are here to listen and hold you up when you cannot do it yourself. I am holding a light for you to see to give you a way to see where you are. For you are not alone.

Keep reaching out and posting. You deserve to be heard and validated for what you feel. I send you love and strength, and friendship. You will make it, and I am standing beside you quietly so you are not alone. Love you.

purplesecrets

[biiv]

thanks butterflylady. im sorry you feel this too. its blah.

[biiv]

thanks bethsway. i am hoping that too.

[biiv]

thanks Dee. im so glad to have PC. it is keeping me going right now.
((((((Dee))))))

[biiv]

thanks fuzzy. i appreciate the support so much.
((((((((((((((((fuzzy)))))))))))))))))))

[biiv]

(((bebop))) thanks for answering me even with all thats going on for you.

[biiv]

((((((((okiedokie)))))))))
i take cipramil for the anxiety and depression and i just got a doctor about a month ago. theres no point really in seeing her though cos what can she do but increase the meds and i really dont want that.
i think (i hope) this is all coming up because of stuff going on at the moment and because of stuff im dealing with with T. i felt we were a bit disconnected last time i saw her.
i dont want more meds. i want to work through this crap and make it go away.
thanks for hearing me and caring okie.

[biiv]

thanks debbie. i wish i understood it all though. or even just some of it. im sorry you know what it feels like. its bad.
((((((((((debbie_tabor)))))))))))

[biiv]

(((((((((((((((((((((((bipolar)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
thank you. knowing someone hears helps.

[biiv]

((((trying))))
thank you.

[biiv]

((((((((((((((((((((((((nina)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
thank you. wish you were here IRL.

[biiv]

((((((purplesecrets)))))
thank you. your post touched me. have tears welling up now.

[biiv]

im incapable of making a decision at the moment. all i know is i need to get out of this chair because maybe moving and getting out of this damn room will help at least a little. and because if i stay here im going to binge/purge. there are lots of things i could do but im so apathetic right now moving feels like trying to push through sludge. if i could get my apartment tidied i would feel better. its fallen into a bomb zone the last few days.
if i could get to the park maybe i would feel better but its grey and cloudy.
maybe i could go to the national art gallery. but thats best for writing and i dont want to write.
i could see a museum. but im afraid id end up walking round depressed and it would make me feel worse.
i could go to the cinema but its so far away and that doesnt make me feel better. it just lets me escape for a while.
i could try some exercise but last time i tried that i couldnt because of pain after the operation. though thats probably an excuse because that was a week ago. but also the whole apartment feels dirty so i dont want to look at the floor closely which i would do if i exercised or i might feel sicker.
i could go for a walk but dragging my sorry behind around feels like it would be torture.
i cant read a book because theres no way i could concentrate on it.
anyone feel like making this decision for me? anyone got any alternative thoughts?

((((biiv))))

Just breath dear. Just take a moment and breath. Sometimes when everythng is so clouded over, we cannot see what is right in front of us out a long what could be. It is okay. You are okay. You are not alone, we are all right here beside you and holding you up. Maybe just go take a warm shower and feel the water running will help.

Take one step and one moment at a time. Just being kind to yourself by fixing a cup of coffee or listening to some music would help. Whatever you do, you deserve to be treated kind. Sometimes, one moment--one second at a time is all I can do. And with each moment or second that passes, means I have made one more step.

Just know dear that you are being held up during this time. You are not alone. And there is alot of love and support being sent to you.

purplesecrets