[jacq10]

I knew what was wrong with me. Why I feel the way I do. Why there's always a numb pain hanging over my head, even in the "happiest" of times. Why I always feel like crying, but never actually can. Why I can't at all describe how i'm feeling, or even how i became to feel that way.

I see familiar looking people and want to curl up in a ball and hide. I think about people and i want to either bang my fists up against a wall, or scream in anger because I hurt so badly. Thoughts of SI are streaming through my mind, and the only way to get rid of them is sleeping it off. Even then, i wake up to dreams that only reinforce how unhappy I am. Dreams that give either give me comfort or anguish .... but no matter what kind, i always wake up with a general dread for what i have to do that day.

I'm debating going back on the AD's, or going back to see my T .... but i don't feel a connection with her, and AD's won't really solve anything. But this feeling ... this haunting feeling, doesn't seem to be situation based anymore ... just kind of spontaneously occurs, and rarely gives me a moment to myself to rationally think about why I'm constantly on the verge of tears.

I feel so lost

[drclay]

Depression Forum:

This is an active and genuinely supportive forum. I'm impressed. I hope my chapter on Depression would be helpful to some of you. It is free. If you have questions, I usually hang out on PC on the Sharing Self-Help Ideas Forum. I wish you well.

drclay

[MyBestKids2]

I have no advice to offer, my apologies. I just wanted to let you know I read your post, I understand, and I care.



Dee

[Soidhonia]

Hello (((JACQ))). I am sorry for your struggling at this time. Perhaps the reason you feel so isolated and lonely is because you feel that no one understands how you are really feeling emotionally and therefore you dont feel the need to express yourself on an emotional level with your therapist for fear of rejection or misunderstanding from your therapist. Misguided concepts and fear of rejection are two of the main reasons that cause a patient not to get the recovery treatment necessary to feel safe to express themselves. Journaling is a very good way to control the mistrusting issues that you are having emotionally at this time and the fear that you are experiencing toward expressing yourself in a sincere manner to your therapist or others that you fear will JUST NOT GET IT. Journaling helps to pinpoint exactly what IT is that you are fearful of and why the mistrust is there stopping you from expressing yourself. Also if you feel sincerely that you are not getting the correct therapy there is nothing wrong with getting a NEW therapist but I feel sincerely that NO Therapist can help you if you dont allow them in enough to help you with your emotional issues. I hope that you will take some time to reassess your situation and see if journaling will help you to express yourself more assertively in therapy. I am very glad that you are rethinking taking your ADs. It will help but they are not a cure all as you have found but it will take the edge off if taken regularly. I hope things get better for you soon Jacq. Take care. Soidhonia

[Fuzzybear]

I understand and care too ((((((((((((((((( jacq ))))))))))))))))

[Christina86]

(((((((((((Jacq))))))))))))

I'm sorry you feel so bad. I wish I had words that could help, but all I can say is that I know the feeling - even a tiny bit, and it is so bloody sucks.

I can't give you any advice on ADs since I've never been on them (trying to soon, we'll see) but although they don't solve anything - I have heard that they can make life a little easier. Maybe you can give them another try? As for your T ... is there anyway you can get someone you connect better with? It's hard trying to find someone you click with.

Hang on - reach out. I love you. I care.

[stefano]

Hello,
I think that therapy is the key to make up your mind about the reason for your suffering. So I suggest that you work on that side. If you don't connect with your therapist, you should first address the problem in therapy: "I'm sorry docaator, but I don't feel connected with you". Don't be afraid, no good therapist can be pissed off by this. This moment of truth may trigger something... If it does not you just need anotehr T. But keep trying. There is ALWAYS a reason. It is well hidden and defended, probably. But it is there.

The best of luck

[wickedwings]

((((((((((jacquard)))))))))))) i understand fully how you feel. you're not alone.

[jacq10]

thank you ((((((((((((((((everyone))))))))))))))

I'm sorry for the group hugs ... but i really do appreciate each and every one of your feedback. I wish that i could say that I'm feeling better but i'm not. I agree that I need to go back to my T ... I'm going to see if i can't wait it out until classes start again, but i may end up changing my mind if i feel like i need to see her sooner.

[wickedwings]

i know, jaq. no one can just "snap out of it," although it would be lovely to do that. i can understand how it stays with you despite the meds and therapy. i know because i have it, too. mine sticks no matter what. no matter how much i fixed my own head over the years, it sticks. i hope you feel better. wishing you well. i don't mind hugging you. it's to let you know that i know the pain that you have. we at psych central understand that pain. when no one else understands, you have us here to understand. i know nothing seems to help you, but getting through this together makes it better than going it alone. in here, you're not alone. lol - sounds like i'm advocating internet addiction. no, not really. for some, it's the best place to go. for me, it works becaue i'm deaf and cannot understand people in group therapy settings, anyway. funny how things work out.

(((((jacq))))

I hear you and I am there. I hope giving you a hug is okay. It is not that I have to but that I want to. You are not alone and I understand how you are feeling. Writing has always been a way for me to release. It is there that I let go and can say whatever I need to and then it is my decision as to whether anyone sees it or not. But it can be a way to get out what you hold so close inside that no one knows. It is in that safety of my paper that I can say what needs to be said and then I can take it to my t to read to her. Sometimes in that quiet of my paper, I can really open up what is deep and needs to be said.

Coming here to PC has been such a relief for me. It is a place that I find that others really listen and hear what sometimes the world cannot not seems to understand or grasps. Not walking this path alone has helped so much. Knowing that I am not alone for the first time in my life, and being validated and listened to has meant so much. You are heard here and cared for.

That feeling of being on the constant verge of tears is a feeling that I can connect to. It can be frustrating and not knowing where all the emotions come from can be overwhelming at best. I hear you. Sometimes not being able to describe how you feel or why you feel that way is very hard. But know, I understand. Keep reaching, you will someday understand.

You are not alone and I sit there next to you quietly, listening or just being so you know someone is there. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for giving me the chance to hear you. Take care and know you are cared about and loved.

purplesecrets

[jacq10]

((((((((((((((Wickewings))))))))))))) Thank you for your kind words and reminding me that i'm not alone here. I'm glad to hear that PC has helped you so much ... i'm here if you ever need to talk too.

((((((((((((((((purplesecrets))))))))))))
Thank you too for hugs, and your understanding. Writing has actually always helped me too, but somewhere along the way i stopped doing it, I think partially because whenever i'd go to read over it again it would only reinforce how "dumb" i felt. I think once i get my computer back i'm going to start up again though ... worth a shot. I'm glad to hear that you are able to do so much with your writing though. And might i add, thats mighty brave of you to share that with your T ... i've always wanted to, but always chickend out. You take care too ... and really, thank you for all that you wrote.

[txconfusion07]

While I am no one to be giving advice on AD or T, because I have neither...like the others I just wanted you to know that I read your post and you are not alone in how you feel. I feel the same as when it comes to HOW to express how I feel. I hope that you find something to help you as I wish this for every person here at PC. I haven't been on here long...and sometimes I feel like I don't have worthy "issues" to be here....it is a great place to go and vent (as I did earlier this morning).

Wishing you all well ((((((((everyone)))))))))))
tx

[jacq10]

(((((((((((txconfusion07))))))))))))
Please know that you are just as "worthy" as anyone else who posts on here. There are no wrong or right "issues". Please keep posting, and know that you have support on here from all of us.

[txconfusion07]

Thanks for your post....it really is a good sourse to come to vent and have supports from other who understand and are there to listen.