[txconfusion07]

Here I though I was going to start doing better.....without the help of any kind of dr. or their damn meds. And then the last 2 days have been horrible. I hate everyone and everything it seems and all I want to do is cry. Everything is going wrong and I just can't deal with it. And DH seems to be just ignorant to everything or just not care. I get up at 4am get DD to daycare every day and bust my butt to out of this office by 5pm and get to daycare by 6pm. Mind you I have what is actually an 1hr and 20 min drive. And this morning I ask DH to take DD to DC and what does this retard say...."why can't you just take her". I wanted to scream "HEY LOOSER....WHY DON'T YOU DO SOMETHING EVERY NOW AND AGAIN!!!" And maybe I'm making something of of nothing...but I'm stressed, I'm depressed and it seems as though he could care less to help do ANYTHING other than take care of HIMSELF....what is the deal....are men just stupid? Not care? How does someone that says that care so much, act as though he doesn't care for anyone but him? And how is it that one minute I'm high and happy as if the world is great...and the next I want to yell and hit the next person that says something stupid? Hormones? Am I just a nutt?
This is mindless ramble...but I'm so upset right now and what seems to be EVERYTHING and I'm here at work and no one to talk to......I'M GOING TO SCREAM!!!!!!!!

[recluse1]

(((((((((((hugs for you))))))))))))))) so sorry things are so stressful for you right now. i now that feeling and its not a very good place to find yourself. i hope your load will be lightened soon and that you can somehow get the help you need. i would try, when you dont feel explosive, to explain these feelings and what you are going thru to your husband. sometimes we have to spell it out for people for them to understand. maybe once his eyes have been opened he will be more supportive and helpful.

you are in my thoughts
recluse1

[Soidhonia]

Hello Txconfusion. I am sorry to her that you are struggling at this time. Do you still have a DR at this time. You may want to give the Dr a call so you can get back in therapy and on meds until you feel more in control. Also with many women PMDD (a premenstrual Disorder worse than PMS) may be something you may want to look into with your gynecologist if your mood swings are related to your period coming soon. Stress and PMDD dont mix very well. I hope when you get more stable that you will set some boundaries and let your husband take your daughter to daycare 2 or 3 days a week if he can. There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries for yourself and your family, you are stressed out in having to do so much and get up so early to drive to work. Perhaps even giving your husband chores to do around the house will help you be less resentful of things and help you feel less stressed. I hope you feel better soon. Take care. Soidhonia

[txconfusion07]

Thanks for the post! But I do not have a DR. I never have....I did take Zoloft after DD #1 was born but not for very long. And that was 5 yrs ago. It's just gotten bad. I need to find one...but like in my other post...I don't have insurance. Droped it here at work because it's expensive and not worth it.

[wickedwings]

(((((((((((tx))))))))))))

[debbie_tabor]

((((((((tx))))))))

[stefano]

You wanted to scream at your husband, but it seems to me that you ended up saying nothing. So he doesn't know how disappointed you are. Screaming would have been uneffective too, as a mean to communicate your feelings. You probably feel that husband should be more sensitive, and you are angry because he isn't, but you won't communicate your anger until it will burst out in a meaningless rant.

Now, sorry to sound patronizing, but it was just to point out that you need therapy. Cognitive therapy is exactly about these type of issues. I know, you don't have insurance, but I don't think you are going to solve these problems without a T.

Uhm, sorry that my tips are expensive to put in practice... as a more cheap help you may read Richard O'Connor's "Undoing Depression". It's the best book about depression I've read and deals extensively with marriage.

[txconfusion07]

Thanks for the post stefeno....and you are probably rigth to a point. I do try talking to him...calmly...but I think it comes off as a job to him. I try and make light of the fact that sometimes I feel like I'm loosing my marbles. Tuesday night in the middle of my sleep I did something I have never done before. I remember hearing DD crying...and for whatever reason I was mad.....VERY mad. Anyways, I remember (but I thought I was a dream) yelling at DH and telling him to get the *%&$# up and get her.....and I remembered waking up pushing him. But that morning I didn't know if I was dreaming or what. So I asked him....He said I freaked out on him. He said he woke up and I was hitting him and pushing him and yelling at him. I felt so horrible....and I "jokingly"...but not really....said I think I'm going nutts. I told him that my dad told me years ago that he thought my mom was bipolar. I don't think that's my deal....but I'm not sure what it is. I'm fine one second...and literaly 1 min later....I don't even know who I am...or why I'm so mad....mad to a point that I don't like myself at all. I'm not even sure I can communicate how I feel properly. It's not me. He knows it's not me. But I don't think he puts much into. Since I say in a joking manner. Because I'm afraid to be real.....I'm afraid he will think I'm nutts and leave....
Last night....DD went to bed...then woke up crying...and I didn't know why. I tryed to get her back to sleep but that didn't work. So I let her stay up and play. But I was so mad...and mad at her....I would never do anything to her.....but I was mad. And then I feel bad. I think to myself...this why people don't like kids...this is why people don't HAVE kids....and I hate myself for feeling that way. I love her so much...and I love DH....but like I said....one minute I'm fine...and the next.....I hate everyone...I want to leave.....go away and never see anyone again......
What the hell is wrong with me......

[wickedwings]

(((((((((((tx))))))))))))))

[stefano]

That goes far beyond my limited knowledge (even if I wanted to guess). It don't really sound like bipolar. manic and depressive periods are supposed to be longer, not snapping in seconds, I think.
But you see, you need careful evaluation and treatment.

By the way, I think you should say each and every of your discomforts to your husband. No need to expect for a positive reaction, but you don't want him to tell you later "why you didin't tell me?", about the incidents with your kids, for instance. He has both right and duty to be invested with the magnitude of the problem.
You don't ahve to get angry becasue you are not asking him something, just informing him.
And you shoudl never be ashamed, it's not your fault.

Understand?

Come one, keep it up!

[ab1018]

The insurance situations in this country are out of control. I'm sorry about your situation - I'm in a similar one. I have insurance, but it only covers 3 pdocs within driving distance. I hear one of them is a joke, and the other two have a three month waiting list to get your first visit.

Are there any governmental programs you might qualify for insurance with? It doesn't hurt to try.....

(((hugs)))