[SgtRock]

It started in the mid 90's (my mid 30's). Out of the blue I started having 'spells'. Eventually I was diagnosed with epilepsy. The type of seizures I have are absence. IOW, I just disappear. I go blank, if walking, I may continue walking. If I have something in my hand(s), I may drop it.

Nobody (either side) in my family has epilepsy. The doctors have no idea why I developed it. As a result, the depression started.

Dysthymia with overlapping Major. It was then discovered that I have PTSD, a result of the physical abuse I received by my grandmother as a child. I also have Seasonal Affective Disorder. Oh joy.

I'm currently (barely) holding my head above water. A whole lot of crap has happened in the last year, most of it not good. I thought that 2006 was bad, Christmas 2015 through the year 2016 makes it look like a cake walk.

[Skeezyks]

[Fuzzybear]

[SgtRock]

OK, now to get real. I'm going to open up and hopefully nobody has a problem. If so, admin or mods please just delete my account because I don't have the strength to fight any more.

I'm gay. There, it's out in the open. Yes, it does have things to do with my depression today. No, not because I'm gay. I came out in the early 80's and have never had a problem with myself for being gay. My family (the ones that matter) accepted. The rest have kept their mouths shut. I don't know if any of them have an issue or not. Don't care if they do. That would be their problem. Not mine.

After my depression started (and before it was diagnosed), my ex moved a homeless 16yr old boy in with us. Not much that I could say, it was his house. Actually, it was passed to him when his dad died (I was there when that happened).

Well, come later, I find that the ex was trolling a dirty bood store, a couple well known public restrooms and a couple parks for anon sex. He told me that it was my fault because he wasn't getting what he wanted at home so he had to go searching for it.

Did he take any time and go to the public library a couple miles away and research depression? To find out what I was going through? If there was any way that he could help me? No, no and no. Trolling for sex was more important.

Then I found proof that he and the kid were getting it on. That was it. Out the door I went. I ended the relationship the 1st of Nov. 2001. 15yrs, down the tubes.

^^ That's been easy. The years since then have been hell. More later.

[MommaD]

SgtRock,
Your sexual orientation is your own business--many people on the site are hay, transgender, asexual, pansexual. In the end we're all just people trying to keep our heads above water. What your ex did stinks period. I have an ex who...well let's just say that when he got hit by a garbage truck it was poetic justice for all the garbage he caused for so many innocent people. I'm so sorry you were treated that way by someone you clearly cared a lot for.
You have a lot of things going on with you--I hope you make the time and effort to be kind to yourself. You deserve it.
Sending thoughts of peace and support your way

[Misterpain]

Well good news / bad news, the latest thinking on SAD is that it is "part" of a mood cycle, that needs treatment, whether your up in summer and down in winter ot vice versa , and whether the up is noticeable ( as in hypo manic/manic) they claim it's cyclic, me as the skeptic thinks this is a stretch , but potentially a a new source of revenue for doctors and more importantly big pharma , so you may see doctors treating SAD more aggressively with drugs yet they show no additional benefit over photon therapy.

No offense but you should have seen that kick in the face coming , cheaters will always cheat ,and bringing home a minor , should have been your clue that something was not right with your partner, oh yes they will try to push blame and liability over to you ,in anyway they can , so as to not have to admit that they are cheaters ( I would say dogs, but my dog is very loyal to me , yes he will try and hump his cousin in the courtyard without a doubt) people need to realize that people who cheat will generally always , just as in a relationship if one partner becomes violent, that is not the first time or the last time, no matter what they say .

Yes it's a relationship casualty , but better at 15 years than 20 or 25 or longer, you get to build yourself up and move on to a healthier relationship , your former partner gets to stay with his cheat until he doesn't serve his purpose and he throws them back for someone new . You may not feel it , but you are better off, You have your independence and your dignity and can hopefully find another someone to share that with who will appreciate and respect you , although commonly said during wedding vows to love, honor & cherish, they know no religion, sex or color they are principals that relationships are built on , you get to move on with your honor intact,celebrate that and hold your head high.

[SgtRock]

Thanks MommaD, I brought my sexuality up because it does have some bearing on what's going on with me.

@Misterpain, the ex and I got together in 1986. The cheating didn't start until after my depression got super bad, a decade+ later.

So, after the breakup, I started searching for groups. No, not for sex. I was looking for social groups. I wanted to make some friends. HA! Fat chance in this ***** hole of a city.

My hometown which is about 1/3 the size, has an LGBT center. It had one when I came out in the early 80's and still has one. This place? There was one that lasted for about 1.5yrs and then, POOF, it was gone. Now there is nothing. What's left? A couple bars and Craigslist (don't get me started, it would get me banned). All guys want is quickie anon meth fueled sex. Nope, not happening.

Fast forward to Christmas of 2015. My friend Phyllis (80yrs old) was having dinner at her place. Her son who lives with her was supposed to drive out to the valley to pick the cousin up. Well, the son is an effing PUKE! He wouldn't do it. The other son lived in the valley but was driving a 4x4 pickup and was bringing my ex in (that son was living in a travel trailer on my ex's property. My set up, long story. A BIG favor for that son) and couldn't bring the cousin in. So she asked me. I said fine. I wasn't to happy. I also said that I did NOT want to drive the cousin home. Because it would be dark and I have some night blindness.

Dinner went well. After dinner, asshole son went back into his bedroom to never be seen again. It fell to me to take the cousin home. I was spitting nails.

I got the cousin home. Then the fun started. The next thing I remember was a strange noise from the front of my car. WTF? I pulled over, got out and looked. Half the bumper was draging on the road. Oh *****!!!!!!! I go look in the car, airbags blown. I rip the bumper off and throw it in the back seat. I sit there and I don't even have a clue where in the hell I am. It took me about 15 minutes to find an arterial.

I got the car home and pulled it in the garage. She calls me. I told her what happened. She bawled and bawled. Asked if I'd ever forgive her. I said yes. But that I'd NEVER forgive her son.

We were OK until June of 2016. I sold the car to her oldest son after his truck went belly up. Well, she kept calling me and telling me how happy he was with the car. Blah, blah, blah. She should damn well have known better. She was rubbing salt in an open wound. Not had I only lost my car, I'd decided that I probably shouldn't be driving for the rest of my life.

I've ALWAYS had wheels since I was 17yrs old. Always. Now I'm walking or on the damn bus. Guess what? On Sunday, I have to walk 2 miles to get a bus because I'm on a loop route. A doctor's visit is an all damn day ordeal.