Alone, so damn alone

I tend to feel the aloneness during the weekends. I work M-F and surrounded by people. I work in a room all by myself that seems cut off from the beaten path. I guess I prefer it that way than to be packed in with others like sardines, and have to hear the gossips and drama. When I'm home from work, I don't feel like talking to anybody for the first two hours.

On the weekends I am very busy with domestic things like cleaning and shopping. I feel very strict about having to do those things. I had been alone so long that now I feel like I'm very set in my ways. If that routine gets interrupted, then I get upset. There are times that I don't like myself for feeling that way. I feel like a hamster on a wheel. Very busy and moving a lot, but getting no where that counts.

I feel like I have to go out of my way for my friends. It seems like they never come to visit me. I always have to go visit them. So I feel like there's an inner struggle with driving. It costs money and my finances are tight. I have an old man friend that always invites me to his house, but he rarely comes and visits me. I don't like going to his house, but I feel like I should once in a while. He has come to visit me, but he has to take public transportation to do so. He has money enough to afford it - it's like pocket change to him.

At my condo complex it's very difficult to make any kind of friends. There are some who don't like me; including a couple that lives downstairs from me. There's no one compatible to me. It would be nice to at least make a friend at where I live so that there wouldn't be any squabbles with driving.

Dig a hole, put me in it. Cover me up. I'm done. Finis.............

I totally get it

Nice, here comes the rain (tears) again. about the 50th time since yesterday. Absolutely NOBODY to talk to. Sharing online is far different than sharing in person. Call some damn phone number? Yeah right. I'm not suicidal. I just want to curl up in a ball and die, not kill myself.

Wishing myself dead is not the same as having a plan.

The tears come and I beat them back. Because the aftermath for me is generally worse. Breathing through my mouth for a few hours is miserable because crying plugs my sinuses solid.

And I can't take a damn drive to try and break my mood. That will never happen for the rest of my life. And it's tearing me apart. I've lost my freedom.

I wish I could help