[Prada]

I don't know if this is the right area to post, if its not feel free to move it.

I have been diagnosed with Depression, Anxiety and Borderline Personality Disorder. I have tried medications etc, nothing has really helped. Anyways, there are a few things i need to talk about since I cannot afford a therapist at the moment.

I have never been able to really express myself, always been very shy. When I was diagnosed with social anxiety at age 15, they tried working on emotion recognition since I didn't understand what emotion I felt, it was just a blur.
Didn't really get very far with that, as about 2 months after being on lexapro and about 2 months of paxil, I overdosed on my paxil and was hospitalized. For about 3 years they kept trying different medications and counseling. When I realized nothing was helping, I just gave up on the doctors.
I don't have a lot of sudden mood swings, it is more of a day to month type. This past week is one of the worst I have had with anger and irritability, which is why I joined here. I am rambling on, so I will get to the point now that I gave a little(lot) of my background..

Over the past year I have been noticing irritability. The first time I tried drinking it away(that was a BIG mistake). I feel so frustrated like I am tied up and cannot move, only it is my mind that feels like that. I had about 5 episodes of that last year.
Then comes the new feeling I have never had. At first it started as this nagging thought in my head about hurting people for no reason. Now(at least this week) its like all my anger from the years is coming out. The littlest comment that I perceive as hurtful makes me sad for a moment and suddenly I feel this rage and just start yelling and crying.

What can I do? I have tried the relaxing exercises that I learned for anxiety(ACCEPTS distress tolerance), but that doesn't help with this.

[stefano]

Irritability can be a symptom of depression, so your post fits well in this forum.

Uhm, I'm not a doc, but as a "simple" depressed, I feel very angry before acute episodes, and also sometimes at the end of them. I'm never overwhelmed by anger, but I know it's so huge that If I let it out I'd be able to do something really nasty. I've been packing it up for all my life and I'm not a kid.

OK, now you won't like this, but you should give another chance to the docs, for the very simple reason that they are the only ones who can do something. Diseases are treated by doctors, that's all.
Typically, depression makes you believe that what didn't work once will NEVER work. Well, IT IS FALSE. There may be different docs, different meds, even YOU may be a different person. Being more desperate could paradoxically be of help.

It takes patience. For instance you say you have been 2 months on paxil. My pdoc kept me on paxil 2 years before a long term evaluation suggested a change to a different medication.

But most of all you need therapy. If you snap at criticism, that means that your self esteem is soo shaky and feeble that even the slightest scar makes a great and painful wound. This is my same problem, feeling unsure about oneself and consequently, endangered by every gust of wind!
You need to work on it in therapy, WITH the support of medications.

The best of luck

[Soidhonia]

Hello Prada. I am sorry that you are struggling at this time. Expressing yourself is hard when you also have a mental health disorder compounding the problem. Is there low income agencies in your county or state that offers lower cost mental health treatment?. It is very hard to help yourself without professional help especially when there is a chemical imbalance involved in your disorder which usually means that med compliance is one of the stabilizing factorials in treatment. Support Groups help as well if there are groups in your area, they can help you feel less isolated and alone, when you are having an episode or a confusing moment in your life. There is also a chat room here at Psych Central and you are welcome to come and chat when someone is in the room or PM someone you would like to chat with in the chat room. Please take care and stay safe if possible. Soidhonia