Preferring depression and pain over numbness

For months last year I was mostly just in this empty-feeling, dragging state where I was moderately depressed and probably in denial about how badly, but was technically "better" than I am now since I was at least partly functioning. Then ever since around November, with winter worsening things and then starting a new med that made me worse and more emotional, I've progressively tumbled downward into what's definitely become a severe major depression.

It's like feeling some of the sadness and anxiety and emotion I've felt has made me realize the contrast and see just how numb I was before. So while by any normal standards this depression is painful and horrible, of course, it's still almost seeming better than the way I felt before and the idea of going back to that numbness is unbearable. I'm pretty sure that at times when I start feeling a bit too numb for a moment, I almost subconsciously try to encourage the sadness or emotional overwhelm to come back. I know I can't just sit here and jump from where I am now right to this picture in my head of where I'd really wanna be, but if getting "better" really means going back to that bland numbness now, then at the moment I feel like I legitimately wouldn't want to get "better."

sometimes I deliberately trigger myself for this reason.

feeling numb, and I just need to feel something.. even if that thing is bad and something I shouldn't be feeling

I used to do it a hell of a lot (in fact it was almost a coping method for mwe), I'd feel numb, find something that triggers me, watdch/ listen to it, feel something, and know i'm still alive

I try to do it less now, I know it's not really healthy

I understand your feelings. I don't know which is better/worse.. but probably the true answer doesn't matter: in the end, you're still suffering.. :/

How do you trigger yourself?

Exactly.


I appreciate the replies

I feel like this now despite finally getting better makes me want to pull out my hair

This is exactly what I have been experiencing lately. I recently went from feeling a little better to unexpectedly feeling completely numb, and then it was back to bad habits so I could just feel my 'normal' self again. Now I feel like a complete mess. But I don't want to feel that numbness again.

Good to know that I'm not the only one who does that.