[profound_betrayal]

hi,
I am a mid lifer, trying to make a life for myself.
dont seem to know where (?) to begin. am so tired, sad - & when not feeling so - am in limbo, indifferent, 'taupe'

• have had a life of fear /dominant father.
• spouse went into crisis & blamed me for ALL the marital problems (but they do that, the 'all' part)

i could see where timidity, not having any real 'identity or character' impacted on relationship (but when father then spouse beats you DOWN -hello lifeless! duh).

• the marriage itself was fear based, so i could not flourish anyway. this means my spouse reinforced the very problems he had with me, and then 'punished' me further. The cycle went on.

i never had much of a youthful life anyway - too many problems with my dad. feel that i missed so much.
now I am being blamed by spouse for state of marriage.
it is difficult to be better with the constant criticisms and feeling like under a magnifying glass re every move I make.

i dont know where (!!??) to begin to feel better, feel confident & BRAVE enough to do things to live life! any advice?

[Fizzyo]

Hi profound betrayal, I'm so sorry that you feel so overwhelmed, no one deserves to live in fear, but contemplating any other life can be equally frightening
I have been told my depression is very much due to my relationship with my husband, but it's easy for experts to tell you to get out, living it is another thing altogether.
Sorry I haven't got helpful advice to offer, but I really feel for you and maybe by bumping this up the list, someone will find it who has more ideas.

[vital]

Originally Posted by profound_betrayal

hi,
I am a mid lifer, trying to make a life for myself.
dont seem to know where (?) to begin. am so tired, sad - & when not feeling so - am in limbo, indifferent, 'taupe'

• have had a life of fear /dominant father.
• spouse went into crisis & blamed me for ALL the marital problems (but they do that, the 'all' part)

i could see where timidity, not having any real 'identity or character' impacted on relationship (but when father then spouse beats you DOWN -hello lifeless! duh).

• the marriage itself was fear based, so i could not flourish anyway. this means my spouse reinforced the very problems he had with me, and then 'punished' me further. The cycle went on.

i never had much of a youthful life anyway - too many problems with my dad. feel that i missed so much.
now I am being blamed by spouse for state of marriage.
it is difficult to be better with the constant criticisms and feeling like under a magnifying glass re every move I make.

i dont know where (!!??) to begin to feel better, feel confident & BRAVE enough to do things to live life! any advice?

I have advice, profound. To feel brave and to heal from depression, reconnect with your inner power. Have a look

http://egg.bu.edu/~youssef/SNAP_CLUB...0164151576.pdf

You might find this handy also:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4262681-post105.html

- vital

[profound_betrayal]

Originally Posted by Fizzyo

Hi profound betrayal, I'm so sorry that you feel so overwhelmed, no one deserves to live in fear, but contemplating any other life can be equally frightening
I have been told my depression is very much due to my relationship with my husband, but it's easy for experts to tell you to get out, living it is another thing altogether.
Sorry I haven't got helpful advice to offer, but I really feel for you and maybe by bumping this up the list, someone will find it who has more ideas.

re above BUT you did take the time to reply Fizzyo & that is appreciated! i am trying to carve out some time & a (private)space to call my own as a start (for exactly what - dont know yet ) But things have to CHANGE -i cannot go on like this.

I hope you find some solutions for your personal situation too, thanks for your post. Take care

[profound_betrayal]

Originally Posted by vital

I have advice, profound. To feel brave and to heal from depression, reconnect with your inner power. Have a look

http://egg.bu.edu/~youssef/SNAP_CLUB...0164151576.pdf

You might find this handy also:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4262681-post105.html

- vital

Thanks for the 'vital' information!

I really need to feel brave - too much has been lost. What's the point of LIFE if living in fear? 'Useless'

Just got a glimpse of the links you sent (still have to go through more)!! Such interesting information & so much to think about. I needed to start somewhere! Thank you for sending & like fizzyo, taking the time to reply to my post!

[vital]

Originally Posted by profound_betrayal

Thanks for the 'vital' information!

I really need to feel brave - too much has been lost. What's the point of LIFE if living in fear? 'Useless'

Just got a glimpse of the links you sent (still have to go through more)!! Such interesting information & so much to think about. I needed to start somewhere! Thank you for sending & like fizzyo, taking the time to reply to my post!

Profound; that part about living in fear is profound indeed. It always makes me think of the movie "Defending your Life" where Albert Brooks dies and goes to an afterlife where he has to explain all the things he didn't do because he was afraid.

- vital

[profound_betrayal]

Originally Posted by Vital

Profound; that part about living in fear is profound indeed. It always makes me think of the movie "Defending your Life" where Albert Brooks dies and goes to an afterlife where he has to explain all the things he didn't do because he was afraid.

- vital

Vital, I am liking the 'snap!' I re-read & re-read!!
I am yet to form the habit (consistently), but am improving already! You are right . It works!

re: Mark Hyman.
I tend to like this - I have always felt that what the body 'causes' the body can cure. It was just never presented so eloquently & understandable!

I am NOT a natural pill popper. Have been around a few ill people and NEVER liked the side effects!! So much of a contradiction - 'solve one health problem (if even!!), while creating several others due to side effects.

Thank you again for sharing your experience & resources. I finally have a glimpse at a possibility to what time I have left in life (something I have been robbed of due to my past & my many fears).

Fizzyo, thx too of chiming in. The value of community & 'people support' is often under rated !

[vital]

Originally Posted by profound_betrayal

Vital, I am liking the 'snap!' I re-read & re-read!!
I am yet to form the habit (consistently), but am improving already! You are right . It works!

I'm so glad to hear that profound!! - vital

[Fizzyo]

[Fuzzybear]

[ProudlyPersevering]

I spent too many years in a abusive marriage that caused my depression and anxiety. You need to take care of yourself, it is hard and you may not be able to see how right now but know it is not all your fault, you cannot cause everything!

[profound_betrayal]

So much has happened since my last post. Other events impacted on my already developing healing but still vulnerable situation. So I entered into the realm of MORE vulnerability yet again ...

I can take ownership of what I 'did' that was wrong, although it was not my intent (looking more & more like a mis-match), but I am being blamed for aggravating the situation to what it became. I had **shut down (when I look back). I do have **fear issues. He was sensitive to what he perceived as rejection because of certain experiences so it soon became a hot mess although we didn't realize at the time. This whole thing is really playing with my mind!!!

I asked him for time & feel that I am being bullied to not take the time I need (because he's ready NOW). Am being blamed for his hurtful actions toward me (as explanation) ... the thing is that when someone comes from dysfunction, even if I did bring out their worse side, the 'wrong' was already in them! And what was wrong was hurtful to me - how's that for starters? He's not seeing this, so i's no wonder he feels as if he were the victim.

The wrong that was in them took TIME to bubble to the surface because childhood hurt takes time. BUT I was there when it came to a boil, so its ALL me.

I have such a headache - he did strike a guilt note in me for being so ** insensitive. Interestingly though, there are people who met him over the years. These were their (!!) impressions/ adjectives re him: emotional bully, bi-polar, unstable, split-personality ...

But here I am being told that it is I who brought out that frustration in him. Can't function on my work (self employed). And I cant afford to not work - I have no $$. So confused right now

[profound_betrayal]

Thanks guys for your feedback. had minor anxiety attacks yesterday but this morning i am better although low - key. Stress is fatiguing isn't it?

The reason for coming back here is to let you know that I read, re-read your responses to feel better. And they always help.

Challenging situations don't just go away especially when set backs impact on any progress made but (!!) THANK YOU ALL!
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for being here!!

Hope that your own lives are going well for you