Black Cloud

I feel like I have a black cloud constantly over my head. I am so negative and angry and just disgusted with life. I hate to wake up in the morning and go through another day. I am finally working a temp job which is progress since I was not working for 2 years due to depression. I hate it though but need the paycheck. Since my depression I have lost all of my friends and I barely have contact with my family. All I have is my bf who still loves me and I have no idea why. Even that is depressing because we have problems and I am unhappy in the relationship even though I love him (if that makes sense). Anyway when I was going through my depression at its worse I could not talk to anyone. I just could not hold a conversation so I avoided people. Some people tried to reach out to me but I didn't want to talk. I would email people though and say really negative things which they would not respond to. That would end up making me hurt and angry. This happened with most of my friends. I would try to explain how I was feeling and why I was withdrawing and get a little too deep I guess and they couldn't handle it. They just would not respond at all. I just felt so hurt I thought it was so insensitive. So I stopped emailing people back as well. Then I was just pissed off at everyone for being so insensitive and unsympathetic to my mental state. I had lost my mom unexpectedly and was unemployed and having money problems and car problems and was about to be evicted and I lost it. Couldn't anyone understand how I could lose it? At any rate 1 and 1/2 years later I decided to try to salvage some of the relationships and I emailed people. I got one response. Then I emailed her and told her that I was a little hurt that nobody was responding to me when everyone knew what I was going through, but that I know people probably didn't know what to say or do. After I said that I haven't heard from her. I emailed her again and said I hope I didn't offend you but I'm trying to be honest with people and I'm trying to salvage some of my friendships that I lost during my difficulties. Still no response. So did I do something wrong? I feel like I can't win whatever I do. Whatever comes out of my mouth either pisses people off or makes them uncomfortable. I also, during my dark days, hinted to 2 people that I wish I wasn't here. I got no response. I felt like they didn't care. Am I wrong to feel so hurt and betrayed? Now I have no friends and I am not an outgoing person. These people I have known for years. I am really upset. I had a nervous breakdown can't people understand that. Can't they understand that yes I may have said crazy things maybe even hurtful things but I wasn't myself. I'm trying to make things right. I needed to vent because I am really upset and feeling alone, betrayed and abandoned and misunderstood. Any thoughts would be appreciated and sorry I went on for so long.

Thanks,

Bree.

(((((((BreeMarie))))))))
Your friends sound like they might have judged you too harshly and they were not at all supportive. I know that hurts. It really bites.
I'm sorry they were'nt there for you.
It's good your boyfriend is sticking by you.
Do you know what the depression was started from?
I went through sort of the same thing with my depression but I've always been *****y since I was a kid. I was never properly trained to control myself. My Mom was always too busy to teach me anything and I had 4 older siblings who didn't give a crap and basically used me to take all of their frustrations out on.
So, I've always been a bad person and I guess, from the looks of it now, I always will be a bad person. I'm trying hard to change but it's not working. I don't know what else to do. I guess I'll just keep trying and reading different books and trying to find some kind of a support group which I know must exist somewhere in Philly but for some reason, I just can't seem to find it.
Anyway, I'm rambling. Sorry.
I understand why you're angry. I get it. It's okay.

Bree, you probably don't want to hear this, but do you see a therapist? If not, can you do that?

I can hear the hurt in your words.

Sounds like money is an issue. Are there any county or city counseling groups that offer a sliding scale of any kind?



Carolyn

((((bree))))) you have us here. we would never ignore you. it seems that your friends don't understand or know what to do with someone who has depression. we understand.... i know, i lost my friends because of my depression, as well. i have some friends now, those who do understand, which is great. i continue to have my hubby and our families, who understand. you're not alone. you always have us in psych central.....

Thanks you guys for your support. I was seeing a therapist at a place that did let me pay a small amount but when I started working I couldn't make it there anymore. I get home too late and I have to use public transportation so I would be getting home way too late, like close to 10:00. I don't want to be out waiting on the bus at night, plus I need to be in bed early. So that ended that. I really needed it too, it was my only outlet. I am working on getting a car now that I have some money coming in but we are so behind its not happening as quickly as I had hoped. Yes I know my friends and family are uncomfortable with my moods and just want to stay away and not have to deal with it basically. I guess I should be the bigger person and just accept that and still try to have a relationship with them but the thing is that is what I have been trying to do. I decided to let it go and try to make things right and nobody seems to want to be bothered. These are people I really thought I could trust. I am just blown away by this. When I was in the midst of the full blown depression these boards did help a lot. They were my only outlet and the Samaritans. I just think its sad that people can't try harder with people they claim to love. Well I'm done beating my head against a wall. If they want to talk to me they can, I am not trying anymore. I am beyond hurt. Anyway thanks for your comments and support.

Bree.

(((((bree))))))

(((((((((bree)))))))))) i hope things look up for you soon. sounds like you have had a really difficult time. i know the hurt you speak of and it is shattering. just know you can always come here when you need to talk.

recluse1

(((BREE)))> I am sorry that you are struggling at this time. Can you get time off once a month to go see a therapist it is really in your best interest to keep seeing someone to be able to express yourself when you are not feeling well and grounded. Maybe your job would give you time off if you told them you needed time off for a Drs Appointment and so forth or come in later in the day after the appointment. I hope things get better for you soon. Take care. soidhonia

I am afraid to ask for too much time off. I have health issues too and I already have been out sick and I have medical Dr's appointments scheduled for this month and next month. I am already panicking that they will find someone else because of this. They don't seem too happy about it I don't think they even believe me. Employers expect you to be there all the time whether your a temporary employee or not. I want to look for a full time permanent job but I'm worried about taking too much time off. I feel stuck. My bf suggested an online therapist but I don't know about that. I know I need to find someone though. For now I at least have these message boards and I'm grateful for the support.

Bree.

(((((breemarie))))

I am sorry you are feeling this way. Know you are loved and supported here by your friends on PC. I hope that you feel better soon. I understand and will keep you in my prayers. I send you all the strength I can and my thoughts are with you. Hang in there dear. Keep reaching. We are here and will hold you up when things are too heavy. Love you.

camilionwords1truth