[Nike007]

As people who remember me know, I have sometimes mentioned that I feel I suffer from depression or pervasive depressive disorder. So the last 2 weeks have been extremely rough with these symptoms:
-Switching between too little and too much sleep
-Caused me to be late for school once, since I slept in
-Extremely sad/depressed
-Fatigued, even with sleeping more than I normally do (on days when I slept too much) or restless when didn't sleep enough
-Possible eating too much food
-Possible weight gain caused by above (haven't weighed myself)
-Worthlessness and guilt
-Crying spells
-Lack of motivation (more severe than normal)
-Haven't done any homework for a week
-Some loss of concentration (that's related to depression and not other things)

So I was talking to someone about this and they advised me to see my doctor about it, and I really care about this person's opinion, so I actually listened about going to see a doctor for depression for once. So I went to my doctor and she made me fill out a depression test. I never actually told her I think I have depression, I mentioned that I wanted to be put back on my medication that I went off of because I was dealing with more OCD symptoms (my perfectionism) and feeling sad, then she asked me more questions about depression. And the screener she gave me was one I did online already because I felt (and still feel) I am going into a major depressive episode. And I scored in the moderate range (as I did myself), but she didn't tell me anything about it. She wrote some notes on her computer and prescribed me my old medication, which is what I wanted. So I am unsure what she thinks. Maybe she thinks I am going through a depressive episode? I see my therapist tomorrow so maybe she knows something? I mean, this should have not been anything new, since my teacher on an assessment I did a year ago reported depression for me, but they didn't do anything about it.

Anyways, I do feel a bit better that I told someone about it, since I have always been scared about people judging me for being depressed. My guilt mind right now keeps telling me that it's my fault I'm depressed and that I should "snap out of it", even though I know I can't. I hate being depressed

[wiretwister]

if you are or are not depressed only a pdoc should say ... but I can say if you are it is not your fault ... and if you could just "snap" out of it then places like this "PC" would not exist ... be kind to yourself ... get plenty of rest ... sleep as well as you can .. keep a schedule ... and remember anyone who would "judge" you has never walked in your shoes and has no right to do that ... you are an individual ... you are the only one of you there is ... revel in your uniqueness ... again be kind to yourself ... plenty of people love to tear us down ... we should not do that to ourselves .... Tigger.

[Nike007]

Originally Posted by wiretwister

if you are or are not depressed only a pdoc should say ... but I can say if you are it is not your fault ... and if you could just "snap" out of it then places like this "PC" would not exist ... be kind to yourself ... get plenty of rest ... sleep as well as you can .. keep a schedule ... and remember anyone who would "judge" you has never walked in your shoes and has no right to do that ... you are an individual ... you are the only one of you there is ... revel in your uniqueness ... again be kind to yourself ... plenty of people love to tear us down ... we should not do that to ourselves .... Tigger.

I know about that. I lost my pdoc a year or so ago.

I feel bad about myself and hate myself. I am an A student, but haven't done homework at home for 2 weeks. All I do at home is surf the web, watch YouTube, and watch TV. I sleep longer than i ever have the past year (like normal sleeping hours), but feel fatigued. Different than being tired though.

It feels really hard to talk to anyone. It feels like I have no one to talk to, other than my therapist. I have been isolating from my friends more.

But thank you for your kind words . I do feel slightly better this week at times.

[wiretwister]

Originally Posted by Nike007

I feel bad about myself and hate myself

can I be bold enough to ask why ...

[Nike007]

Originally Posted by wiretwister

can I be bold enough to ask why ...

Ya. I mainly hate how socially awkward I am and how i can't make friends and no one really seems to want to hang with me (I have ASD).

I also hate being depressed and feel like it's my fault and that I should try harder to do things that i used to do like homework.

I also feel dumb and not smart because i can't get a 90s average (perfectionist) and feel it's because of all the things against me (ASD, LD, anxiety, now depression). So I'm afraid I won't get into my university programs because I'm a failure. Lots of things seem to have contributed to this self hatred.

[wiretwister]

this is difficult to phrase properly so forgive me if I do it poorly ... lets tackle this word hate and how we are using it ...

you say you "hate" being socially akward ... "hate " being depressed ... and that you "hate" yourself ...

I understand feeling upset by these issues ... I understand not wanting things to be as they are ... but none of these are your fault ... we all have to face the fact we are who we are ... some have strenghts ... some weaknesses ... you and I are individuals ... we are different from each other and from everyone else on this planet ... there is a place for all of us ... but no one can reach thier potential until they take a good look at themselves ... and like what they see .... the world is full of people who have done this and suceeded ... and full of people who spent their entire life feeling cheated or left out .... the difference between the two is there mind set ... how they accept themselves , warts and all , and use all there talents to there full potential ... and that is all any human can do ... the best they can , with what hand life has delt them ...

I am not saying life is easy for any of us ... and there are plenty of haters in this world ... but what we must never do is "hate " ourselves ... dissapointed .. ok ... upset ... ok ... sad .. ok ... but never hate ... you can never expect anyone to love you until you love yourself first ... that means forgiving yourself when you do not measure up to you internal yard stick ... to give yourself the "slack" you would to a friend ... be your own best friend ...

the last question I would ask is you say this has been worst during the last two weeks ... can you think of anything that may have changed to cause this ... why now ... what's different ...

I pray you find peace with yourself ... please write anytime ... Tigger.

[Nike007]

Originally Posted by wiretwister

the last question I would ask is you say this has been worst during the last two weeks ... can you think of anything that may have changed to cause this ... why now ... what's different ...

I pray you find peace with yourself ... please write anytime ... Tigger.

Thank you for what you said. It's hard to see good in yourself when you just feel this sad, bad, depressed, whatever word one would choose. I have always found myself to be a negative person, switching between love of myself and hatred. It's very black and white thinking I know. I have done CBT for anxiety, with one thing dealing with types of thinking. I know the material, but can't implement it.

Now, I can't say exactly why it started two weeks ago. Maybe part of it was the self-realization that I can't get into my university program, which controls my future. This could stem from my extreme stress with school and wanting (and needing) to do really well. Maybe it's possible to get what I want/need in one of classes, but I don't think I can for the other.

I also feel neglected by my friends more, feeling that no one really wants to hang out with me. I ask friends if they are free, and they seem to always be busy, but when other people ask, they are free. I feel that my friends don't trust me either. I have been friends with these people for years and they still don't talk to me really. My thoughts about this is that it's me that is causing this, but I've been told that I shouldn't always blame myself. But the evidence in my mind points that it's my fault and not them.

There aren't really any main reason I can think other than extreme stress and possibly anxiety. I feel like my life has turned for the worse.

Thank you Tigger.

[wiretwister]

it sounds to me like you know what to do ... you have impressed me with your grasp of this whole thing ...

school and the my life is over ... yda yda yda ... that was my issue with work ... fear of failure ... well I failed and guess what the world did not end ... yah this or that was different ... but the sun came up the next day ... I did not get fired ... life went on ...

we always have our dreams ... and you should never give those up ... work as hard as you can to get all you want from life ... go as far as you can ... but you know if you hit a few pot holes along the way that's ok too ... it is all part of it ... who knows we may even learn something from the experience ...

I believe this world is a very sorrowful place ... and we can not change that ... the trick is to change ourselves ... to decide to embrace all of it ... good and bad ... sucess and failure ... and remain joyful ... that's what a warrior does ... faces what comes ... excepts all of it head on ... we need to be that warrior ... and know matter what happens keep our joy intact ... remember ... god willing ... the sun will come up tomorrow ... a new and fresh day to make mistakes all over again ... but to keep going foward .... just never give up and never give in .... that is how we find our bliss ... and that is more important than fame , power or sucess ... nite ... sleep well my friend ... Tigger.