[Bigj0110]

Sorry if I'm posting this in the wrong area I just thought this is the best area to post this. I'm also sorry for the long post.

So let me begin from the way beginning of my life so you can understand everything.

First off when I was very young they told my parents that I was diagnosed with Asperger's . Also, multiple doctors throughout my life until early teenage years said the same thing as well . But As I grew older, I felt like I didn't have this syndrome. Plus people around me in general doesn't even realize I have this and if I tell them they think I'm just lazy and I'm BSing. them.

Then second when I was six years old I lost my mother to ovarian cancer. After my mother passed away and I ended up going to a doctor for depression because of my mother. I was going for many years, for about 8-9 years once a month. So I was one of those people that kept getting prescribed different medications because nothing worked, and I ended up gaining a lot of weight. Ever since then I've been having a hard time lose their weight. I would have normal sized kid but now I am heavy set because of the medications.

So in 2007 I got fed up and got in a fight with my dad about going to the doctor and taking medication. I refuse to take any medication any more because I felt like it did nothing for me, and was just making me sick. So I just stopped cold turkey taking the medicine and going to the doctor. Since then I've never taken any medication for depression or any type of mental illness. And for the next 7 years that was the last time I ever went to a doctor.

So in those 7 years I am get up getting severely addicted to marijuana. I don't have the urge to try it any other drugs, I don't like any other drugs never tried any other drug in my life. And before this I never even tried marijuana. One of my ex girlfriends got me into smoking marijuana. Which I still have the addiction today right now. My life has gotten to the point that I'm 27, and I've done nothing but smoke everyday pretty much all day. And my dad is the cause for this because he keeps giving me money. He knows I'm addicted and I even cried out for help a few times in my life to go to a rehab facility or something I told him I can't do this on my own and I need help a hand out with someone to guide me. I'm strong enough to know that I have an addiction and want to get help. So I ended up going back to the same doctor three or four years ago period when I went back. The very first time I went back I told the doctor, that I was severely depressed and I think I have bipolar depression for the reasons I stated above. Plus I told him I was addicted to marijuana because it's been many years since this has been going on. Plus I read online that people that have addictions keep saying that they want to quit, and try to quit but they can't. Which this must happen every week as I am going to quit, but it has never happened. When I went back to the doctor he believed I was addicted but to the point that I only needed maybe outpatient rehab for my marijuana addiction. But give me the doctor seemed like an idiot because he gave me a number to a rehab facility that only works through the courts, and doesn't take people that just wanna walk in even with Doctor order that would use insurance or even pay the full cost out of pocket. Then after that I gave up looking. So I end up just continue to be addicted and did nothing else about it. Even though a few times after that I brought it up again. Also I went to the doctor one or two more times then stop seeing it because I didn't think he was helping me anymore and I think I was just getting worse and nothing was getting done.

On top of that, with in last year or so I've also came to determination that I feel like I have bipolar depression period in the sense that I'm unable to complete daily tasks. Also, my depression comes on and off however it wants and no certain pattern. Sometimes it would be for a few minutes in a day and then completely go away. Sometimes something will trigger it and would come for a whole day. Sometimes it will get triggered and then come for a few days. We're sometimes for a long. Of time in life I will not be depressed and I would feel happy and normal.

Also, When I was High School age me and my dad used to fight with each other quite often. Sometimes it would be completely his fault, sometimes would be completely my fault and sometimes would be both of our fault. The police never got called and nothing other than us just fighting in the house happened. As of the past 3-4 are fighting has gotten a lot better. But as of lately the past few months it has increased, but bothing physical just verbal and still not as bad as it was in the past.

Also, not to mention for a while, but I don't know for how long. Everybody around me treats me like a 5 year old child, and also overstepping my boundaries. Like the answer for me, or they try to do things for me on my behalf, that they think is good for me. It won't let me make my own mistakes, they don't let me learn for myself, it or let me answer for myself a lot of times, and I'm starting to get very fed Up about it! Nobody seems to understand that I want to try to tell them that 2 people in my family get upset like my dad and starts fighting with me verbally. Also after Fleet leader past six months a year if I have something to say that is not in agreeance with my dad even though it's nothing bad, nothing mean, nothing rude, and something normal just my own opinion and not agreeing with him he starts getting mad, yelling and screaming. Then tries to put the blame on me like it's my fault thing I don't know what I'm even doing what's going on I'm not in touch with reality. But like today we got in an argument because one of my family members tried to to do what they thought was right for me and I told him in the morning, that I don't like my aunt doing that. We get in a verbal argument, and he claims the whole day that he had a headache because of it. So when he came home he seemed to still be frustrated about the situation. He was getting frustrated with his desk chair at home because it's getting tangled with extension cord cables. So I asked him why he's so frustrated about the chair and he starts bringing up what happened over 12 hours ago in the morning. It's to the point that he starts screaming yelling at the top of his lungs and I never seen your young ones. He called my aunt and told her never to do anything for me yelling and screaming at her unless she calls and asks me first. And doesn't want to admit that he did anything wrong and all this stuff.

So now as of lately it's getting to the point that I'm getting fed up with everything. I'm trying to get help from him with my mental issues and addiction for years now and nothing is happening. I'm in the same place, and nothing has changed even the slightest bit! Because when it comes to to my mental health and my addiction he completely ignores it. But I mean he cares for me in other ways because he gives me a roof over my head, food at my leisure, a new vehicle, gas, registration and insurance for the vehicle, a nice weekly allowance and some extra materialistic items that I want.

Also, to add to all the problems. Back in April of 2016, my grandmother(dad's mother) had a stroke at 86 years old. So since April she's paralyzed on one side of her body, can't move, talk or eat unless it's from a feeding tube. Plus now we have a live in full time assistant for my grandmother. Then in December 2016 I lost my aunt(moms sister), due to medical complications. Plus in the beginning of January 2017 I lost my grandfather(mothers father), due to old age and natural causes.

So I don't know anyone else to turn to, when it comes to my mental illness and addiction. That's why I'm coming here seeking advice on what to do?! Because I'm stuck in one place I feel like I'm not going to move further and I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life. Doing major things in my life such as going to college(in person or even online), working a job feels like a major drag for me, plus after a short while it seems to get very boring and repetitive and I want to quit, plus I can never follow through and finish things. But I'm still able to do the small minor things in life such as go to CVS and buy stuff for home, or go to the supermarket and buy groceries for the house.

I mean I know I can do better if I just get help! But I have no one to turn to, and I'm just stuck! I really appreciate all the advice and help I can get it from here! I mean I'm never going to end my life, and I don't feel like that at all! But I figured the next worse thing you can feel other than wanting to end your life, is how I feel right now! So I can't take it any longer.

[subtle lights]

I'm sorry that you're suffering I don't really know what to say more now..Just to let you know that I read your story and I hear you.
Feel free to continue to write and share your thoughts here.

[Clara22]

Hi,
I read your post. You have been through a lot. hope you continue posting here. Please, I apologize for being sharp in advance but I think you cannot live with your father. I don't think he is a bad person but he is a facilitator. I would tell you more stuff but I will stop right now because I do not know about your readiness to hear other people's comments. Sometimes I hate when people tell me stuff I don't want to hear. So, again, I hope you continue posting here to keep the conversation going. I wish you the best

[Bigj0110]

Originally Posted by Clara22

Hi,
I read your post. You have been through a lot. hope you continue posting here. Please, I apologize for being sharp in advance but I think you cannot live with your father. I don't think he is a bad person but he is a facilitator. I would tell you more stuff but I will stop right now because I do not know about your readiness to hear other people's comments. Sometimes I hate when people tell me stuff I don't want to hear. So, again, I hope you continue posting here to keep the conversation going. I wish you the best

I really do appreciate your advice. And also sorry for the misspelling on top was kind of tired when typing the message. But yes feel free to tell me anything you would like. And I would definitely be back helping other people and also talking more.

[Bigj0110]

Originally Posted by Clara22

Hi,
I read your post. You have been through a lot. hope you continue posting here. Please, I apologize for being sharp in advance but I think you cannot live with your father. I don't think he is a bad person but he is a facilitator. I would tell you more stuff but I will stop right now because I do not know about your readiness to hear other people's comments. Sometimes I hate when people tell me stuff I don't want to hear. So, again, I hope you continue posting here to keep the conversation going. I wish you the best

Also, I know my Dad starts majority of the things. He tries to pin it on me like it's my fault. He gets very defensive it's in his nature because he is a criminal attorney for over 30 years. So he starts immediately getting defensive and doesn't want to hear it when I tell him the truth. Lately as of the last few years it has gotten much better between us. But from time to time now once in a while maybe a few times a year now this happens. Majority of the time it's just verbal but there has been some physical altercation. Also I'm trying to get away from my dad I'm actually trying to leave the state of Florida where I'm located. I want to move to a different state because I hate Florida and general even though I was born and raised here. But that goes back to people treating me like A5 year old and trying to dictate my life.

So I don't know what to do, if I get away from my dad it will be less fighting but all the rest of the problems will still be ongoing. So that doesn't help me get help from anybody to fix some of my problems so I can become a better person and function in life. I know I can do better and I even know what's wrong with me and I'm even admitting it and crying out for help. I just don't have anybody to physically go with me and help me. I mean all these problems except my family members getting sick and dying could have been fixed if I actually got in the help I needed when I tried to get the help. Because this has been ongoing for a few years now that I've been trying to get help and I've gotten not a single thing of help. But again I'm not going to harm myself in any way comma I just feel the worst you can feel without actually wanting to harm yourself. I mean I just don't know what to do. I feel like honestly giving up in a sense that I will just stay home and do nothing and not even try anymore to accomplish anything and just do that because that's all I can do for myself.

[Bigj0110]

Originally Posted by subtle lights

I'm sorry that you're suffering I don't really know what to say more now..Just to let you know that I read your story and I hear you.
Feel free to continue to write and share your thoughts here.

Thanks I really appreciate it! I just don't know what to do! It's like I need help, I know I need help, I even know kind of what I have. But it's just one of those things that I need help, and I need someone to guide me, and help me through this, at least in the beginning. I'm crying out for help basically, and I'm not getting any. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I'm not going to hurt myself but I feel the most depressed you can feel without wanting to hurt myself. And it's causing me to do absolutely nothing with my life and just basically smoke my life away. I know if I get help, all this will change!

[Bigj0110]

Originally Posted by Clara22

Hi,
I read your post. You have been through a lot. hope you continue posting here. Please, I apologize for being sharp in advance but I think you cannot live with your father. I don't think he is a bad person but he is a facilitator. I would tell you more stuff but I will stop right now because I do not know about your readiness to hear other people's comments. Sometimes I hate when people tell me stuff I don't want to hear. So, again, I hope you continue posting here to keep the conversation going. I wish you the best

Like right now I just got into an argument with my dad. What happened was, I went to CVS with him to pick up medication for him and my grandmother the one who's sick at home with the stroke I talked about in the main post. So the other day I picked up her medicine for her. But supposably, my dad got a text message saying to pick up a medicine fpr her. I kept saying that I picked it up because it came after on the same day I picked up the other medication. So today we go to pick up medication and he was correct, there was another medication I didn't pick up. I said to him you were right and I admitted it right there, even people at the pharmacy hurt me admit it. Then when we get in the car, and he has to tell me what I could do different and try to coach me like a 5 year old kid. I started telling him that I would not like to hear how I can do it differently. Because I'm not him, and I think different than you. So I don't need to conform the way you're thinking. He starts telling me that I'm a ilogical, and this and that. I told him that I need to make my own mistake, and then get back up again. He keeps telling me that I need to be logical and that I need to ask because we're here. I told him not everybody thinks like you and just because you are right about the medicine now, doesn't mean I have to do what you want me to do just because you think it's logical. He says I know you wouldn't have thought of it and if I don't care. It got to the point he used foul language towards me in the car, and then hit me not very hard on my chest with his free hand while he was driving. I didn't lay a hand on him, even afterward. When we got home it continue going on in the car, on the driveway. I told him you have to be right even though I admitted it and then you have to tell me what you believe is correct, you can't just let it go.friends, and family as close as my dad, are trying to make me mold to them. Instead of letting me be my own person and figuring out for myself. Including my aunt who is trying to get me jobs and not helping what I want to do because I want to leave this state. But getting the job locally would just make me stay here. Which I'm trying to leave as soon as I find a job. I have dreams and goals I want to accomplish, but when no one's helping me with my problems I talk about in the main post. Then I get this people trying to mold me how they think I should be. It got to the point after while I'm getting sick and tired of it and when people do it I just tell them to stop it. But no one wants to stop.

I mean my dad loves me and trying to do what is the best thing for me but he needs to let me make a mistake fall down and get back up. If he keeps telling me what to do and keep me what to do I'm never going to learn and I'm going to be in the same spot I always am. I keep trying to stress that to him but he doesn't care. It's like he gets upset when I try to tell him to think about me when I have a different view than him. Even though it may not be wrong, mean, rude or anything like that.

I mean I'm so lost in life. I don't even know where to begin anymore. I feel like I'm stuck in this way, and I'm never going to get out of it because no one is helping me with the main problem I talked about on the main post. Also, now people are trying to make me conform to them. I feel like it's a never ending cycle, that I want out of so bad. I mean I don't fight with no one else even other people that step my boundaries. Plus not to mention he has a lot of other problems including at work related to his anger and the way he is. I mean he doesn't even want to take the first step in admitting his situation and what he's doing wrong. That would be the first step in helping yourself. It's very personal but I don't mind explaining to you if you want to know just message me and I will tell you.