[subtle lights]

I hope no one misunderstands this, I don't think you are making it up.

I just sometimes feel like I am making up my whole depression/ anxiety etc. issues. Like it's not real, I'm just somehow playing this role. Or is this dissociation?
I went to the GP today and felt like I'm talking about someone else when I was describing my symptoms.
Also I feel guilty, like I'm a fraud, it's so nice outside, spring , flowers and the like, and I actually love it. Just cannot feel it. I feel guilty for not enjoying life.

I'm like those people saying "you could just snap out of it", except I'm addressing myself. I'd never say this to someone else.
But really, right now I feel like I just made myself believe that I'm depressed.

[leejosepho]

Yes, I have those kinds of things rolling around in my head all the time. My mind is still just as much "me" and "mine" as ever and still filled with awareness, ideas, ambitions and so on, but it is like my mind also regularly argues with itself either about those things or even about itself since it apparently cannot, will not or just does not merge today's realities and limitations in along with everything else.

[MickeyCheeky]

No need to feel guilty. This is just the way you feel and that's perfectly ok. You clearly need help, but you don't have to feel guilty for being depressed. It's not easy, I know..

[QueenCopper]

Unfortunately yes!

[salus]

If someone doesn't have depression they have no understanding how fearful it can be. For some apparently you can have illnessses all over the body except the mind

Thank you for posting this. I thought I was the only one. Actually I went so far as to ask my husband if I could be faking it all and not know it.

[Anonymous37919]

I love nature too, and I cannot just snap out of a depressive state. There are things we can do that makes the stress less, I suppose. But it's not a sensitive thing to tell someone with anxiety. Also, I do enjoy going for walks, but instead of feeling refreshed, I sort of feel lonely again. It's the same with my acting stuff. For a brief hour, you are talking to people and it feels good. But after I go home, it's like nothing has changed.

I'd love to have a girlfriend. All the sex and that I've had in my life hasn't even been meaningful. I'd hate to be remembered as the guy who let gold diggers and escorts fleece me for my cash. But sometimes I think it's because I'm not attractive enough.

[Entity06]

I think it's common to have moments or even to regularly wonder if you're faking it, especially when you're functional, when the depression or anxiety is in a milder phase or something. That's probably the depression itself talking, the self doubt coming from it and from other sources and society's "voice", because we're still living in a world where mental health issues are always questioned and underestimated when they're seemingly invisible.

Same with the guilt, I think that's pretty common too and again also made worse by society because one of the most common things you get from people is that "others have it worse" or "cheer up, it could be worse" thing, guilt trips meant as encouragements. But there's definitely nothing to feel guilty about, the suffering is real and just because others have it too or maybe have less socio-economic opportunities on paper, doesn't mean you deserve to suffer or that you should be content when something is definitely hurting you, whatever that is.

[Humpty Dumpty]

When I have my good days I certainly feel that way. Then when I have a bad day again "it's fairly obvious I'm making it up." "After all if you're depressed you are always sad. You can't have good days."
That is how I feel about myself.

[Sunflower123]

Definitely. I tell myself that I'm not bipolar 2 just depressed and not really depressed. I convince myself that it's just that my life circumstances and the lifestyle that has developed around my "depression" that makes it so. I eventually get really sick and see that I'm not making it up.

I can feel the same way.
You may have a mild amount of each issue so you may be on a border between depression/anxiety/etc and none of it. This is why you may feel this way.

[wiretwister]

on a day by day I have told myself no I have no issue , if I have symptoms it is because of the meds my pdoc has me on ... well I have redused just for that reason to see the real me , as I am , or maybe was per , post med . ... while everything goes smoothly ... I feel fine , when the craddle fell monday , (not a real craddle .. no baby was hurt) my world suddenly fell too . ... it is me ... I can hold it together most of the time ... but it really is me ... I will never get used to admiting I have a mental illness ... but I do ...

[subtle lights]

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

I can feel the same way.
You may have a mild amount of each issue so you may be on a border between depression/anxiety/etc and none of it. This is why you may feel this way.

I'm not sure it's mild since I basically cannot work, I get anxiety attacks just from reading emails at work and being around people and hearing any small noise is like someone is going to attack me. Now when I'm at home I feel either very down or incredibly numb wih racing thoughts and yeah, my thoughts are sometimes saying that I'm just making this up and I could just try harder. I have no energy though and can't do anything right.

So what you wrote makes me think that maybe it's my fault and I'm just not trying hard enough...

Sorry, it's not personal but I'm angry now and kind of hate myself.

Originally Posted by subtle lights

I'm not sure it's mild since I basically cannot work, I get anxiety attacks just from reading emails at work and being around people and hearing any small noise is like someone is going to attack me. Now when I'm at home I feel either very down or incredibly numb wih racing thoughts and yeah, my thoughts are sometimes saying that I'm just making this up and I could just try harder. I have no energy though and can't do anything right.

So what you wrote makes me think that maybe it's my fault and I'm just not trying hard enough...

Sorry, it's not personal but I'm angry now and kind of hate myself.

It's not your fault.
The anxiety can cause a high thought and stress activity, so it may cause you to feel worn out after work.
I can offer mindfulness - accepting those natural feelings when they appear, listening to them, breathing and wait for it to pass a bit.
I can also suggest drinking tea as it can relief stress. Stabillium 200 pills (fish-based) is a natural food additive which greatly helps inner stress! During my high burden moments, when I started taking them, I gradually felt so much relief, it felt like a miracle!
There is also a story about a woman who used running to cope with anixety and anxiety attacks. It could use as great inspiration:
https://www.adaa.org/living-with-anx...ing-for-myself