[dd665]

A recurring event in my life has been the feeling that people seem to believe they have to power to say whatever they want to me, with no regard for my feelings or the consequences.
From the way teachers talked to me, shop assistants, strangers in the street.

One such recent event led me to joining this site, so if it is alright, I will tell the story and use it as a starting point for me here.

I am a careful driver, no points on my licence, I do not drink or exceed speed limits.
On my way to an appointment with the mental health team, I had to stop behind a huge tanker which was offloading fuel to a house, completely blocking the road.

A woman jogger stopped by my car and made some sort of hand gestures. I ignored it and then she sternly said something like, "Slow down and give me some room!"
I was shocked and paused as she continued running up the road. After a few seconds I opened my door and start shouting. My opening was "F*** off!" and then I proceeded to swear the most revolting abuse at her, calling her every derogatory name possible. I know she heard because as she was running away she did turn back and say something but because my tirade was constant and I was turning the air blue, I have no idea what was said.

It was a total shock. I am a careful driver and feel that I did nothing wrong, so to be 'interfered' with in this way really angered me and made me feel ridiculous. I have to be honest and toyed with the idea of catching up to her and hurting her.

In the end, I turned away from the blocked road and saw her on the alternative route. I got a kick out of driving directly into her path, forcing her to run up onto the grass verge by the side of the road. I was so angry I hoped that she was terrified by this. I stopped the car and starting swearing at her again as she ran away behind me, again calling her dreadful names.

I was already very late for my appointment and so decided not to run after her and hurt her.
Thinking about it now, if I play things through it would not seem a bad thing. I have no criminal record and I do not want one.

But I have to say that my thing is 'revenge'. It has been a theme throughout my life. If you upset me, I want to upset you. I want to know that I have bothered you and you will be thinking about it for days, possibly the rest of your life, just like me.

Does what happened make me a schmuck ? That is how I feel when this sort of thing happens. Am I so worthless that people can talk to me however they want to, even if I have done nothing wrong ? Should I have hit her ? Will she remember this ? Did I do enough ? What should I have done ?

Help me, please.

[Sunflower123]

How is the revenge thing working out for you? That just hurts you and keeps you churned up. I'm not calling it a coping mechanism but whatever it is it isn't healthy. No you should not have hit her. I'm glad you didn't. Then you'd really be churned up. Yes, you deserve to be treated with courtesy and respect and to assertively stand up for yourself when that doesn't happen. You are not a schmuck. You just have some coping mechanisms from a tough childhood that may not be serving you well now. You are worthy and I'm glad you posted.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, dd665.

Mother died when I was 4, father took all his anger out on me...

I'm just speculating, but I have to think this has something to do with your reactions.

Please make yourself at home here.

[dd665]

Here's the thing: I felt empowered screaming abuse, but I have to admit it doesn't last very long. When things like this happen to me (and I have a huge archive in my mind that I scan through all day, reminding me how pathetic I am) I usually submit and imagine that I am always wrong and they must be right. Then I beat myself up about it for anything from days to years later for not 'biting back'.
On this occasion I bit back and got a kick out of it. It was a release and a 'revenge' of sorts. I play it over and over in my mind and hope that this woman felt terrible and would think twice about doing it to someone ever again. I picture her crying when she gets home and telling her partner about it. I could be wrong. What if she's a happy, well adjusted individual that has given no more thought about it, and in the meantime there's me with it destroying my very soul.
So all in all, the revenge thing hasn't worked for me. I have no proof that it even affected her in any way and I am not 'enjoying' the aftermath of what I did.

But if I can bat this back to yourself, Jennifer, my feeling is that I was singled out for this treatment. Would this woman have approached anyone like this or do I just give off vibes that I am an easy target ? In my car she couldn't see as to whether I would be physically threatening to her. She couldn't tell if I had a knife or baseball bat or anything.

So how did she know she could pick on me ?

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

How is the revenge thing working out for you? That just hurts you and keeps you churned up. I'm not calling it a coping mechanism but whatever it is it isn't healthy. No you should not have hit her. I'm glad you didn't. Then you'd really be churned up. Yes, you deserve to be treated with courtesy and respect and to assertively stand up for yourself when that doesn't happen. You are not a schmuck. You just have some coping mechanisms from a tough childhood that may not be serving you well now. You are worthy and I'm glad you posted.

[*Laurie*]

Your signature leads me to believe that you have A LOT of anger about that which you perceive as misfortune in your life. The high degree of your anger/rage concerns me. Have you ever attended an anger management group, or sought therapy?

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by dd665

Here's the thing: I felt empowered screaming abuse, but I have to admit it doesn't last very long. When things like this happen to me (and I have a huge archive in my mind that I scan through all day, reminding me how pathetic I am) I usually submit and imagine that I am always wrong and they must be right. Then I beat myself up about it for anything from days to years later for not 'biting back'.
On this occasion I bit back and got a kick out of it. It was a release and a 'revenge' of sorts. I play it over and over in my mind and hope that this woman felt terrible and would think twice about doing it to someone ever again. I picture her crying when she gets home and telling her partner about it. I could be wrong. What if she's a happy, well adjusted individual that has given no more thought about it, and in the meantime there's me with it destroying my very soul.
So all in all, the revenge thing hasn't worked for me. I have no proof that it even affected her in any way and I am not 'enjoying' the aftermath of what I did.

But if I can bat this back to yourself, Jennifer, my feeling is that I was singled out for this treatment. Would this woman have approached anyone like this or do I just give off vibes that I am an easy target ? In my car she couldn't see as to whether I would be physically threatening to her. She couldn't tell if I had a knife or baseball bat or anything.

So how did she know she could pick on me ?

I'll be honest with you. I think that lady acted like a horse's ***. Since she couldn't really tell who was in the car I really don't think she approached you as if she knew you were someone she could pick on. She just acted out on whoever was driving. She's not really intelligent is she? I mean who does that nowadays? There's no telling who has a gun, a bat or pepper spray.

[dd665]

That is so kind of you.
Yes, you have the nail on the head. A child of 4 losing their mother, the centre of their universe, and then receiving nothing from their father is going to have problems for sure.
Although knowing the reasons has helped me go some way to taking the b lame away from me, it hasn't completely helped me.

Originally Posted by Rohag

Hello & Welcome, dd665.
I'm just speculating, but I have to think this has something to do with your reactions.

Please make yourself at home here.

[dd665]

Yes, that's a major factor in my life. That dreadful word 'anger'.
I feel it all the time and often state that I hate this universe, this world and everyone in it.

I spent 5 years in counselling, once a week for just under an hour. It was pyschodynamic so alot of it was spent going over childhood.
It did help. It helped me understand the reasons why my mind is so affected. It took away the blame from me, too.
I have learned CBT / Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, but my emotions are so extreme that although I can do the process effectively, I have not been able to stop that heart racing, blood boiling rage which is my immediate reaction to any even like this.

Originally Posted by *Laurie*

Your signature leads me to believe that you have A LOT of anger about that which you perceive as misfortune in your life. The high degree of your anger/rage concerns me. Have you ever attended an anger management group, or sought therapy?

[dd665]

I thought she had major 'balls'. I will never forget a road rage case here in England last year where a man of about 70 was stabbed to death in broad daylight on a busy road after he stopped to talked to a young man.
My feeling was if I wasn't driving properly, why wasn't she in an ambulance ?
But no, for whatever reason, the universe singled me out for this treatment and I despair as to how I can go on with my life if things like this are going to happen ?!

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I'll be honest with you. I think that lady acted like a horse's ***. Since she couldn't really tell who was in the car I really don't think she approached you as if she knew you were someone she could pick on. She just acted out on whoever was driving. She's not really intelligent is she? I mean who does that nowadays? There's no telling who has a gun, a bat or pepper spray.

[dd665]

I keep thinking I should have got out of the car and made my point physically. Not brutal so I would be arrested, but just pushed her, leaving a permanent bad memory for her.
What do you think ?

[Sunflower123]

With all due respect, no. It could have escalated into something worse. I think you had already made an impression on her that she'll not likely forget. I think she'll be far more careful in the future before acting out.

[here today]

Have you considered trauma therapy, maybe EMDR or something like that? All those early losses sound traumatic to me and that does things to the brain that psychodynamic T can't always help with. All that rage being triggered lke that sounds kinda PTSD-ish to me, though I'm not a counselor and couldn't diagnose you here if I were.

[dd665]

This is the awful bind I find myself in constantly, Jennifer. I feel that I need 'proof' that I have screwed with someone's brain the way they have screwed with mine.
Although this is the fourth day after the incident and the feelings aren't as powerful and raw, it is still with me and will certainly be added to my archive of bad memories I will ponder over for the rest of my life. That stuff is just not fair.

If I can't take it out on her now, my concern is that I will take it out on the next person. If memory serves this has the label 'blueprinting' - the "the next time this happens I am going to......" attitude.

However I am intelligent enough to listen and I am trying to take in your words about '....more careful in the future before acting out."

Thank you.

[dd665]

Yes, when I consider my screwed my childhood, traumatic doesn't even seem a powerful enough word to cover it.
I had never heard of EMDR and googling it, what you have said makes alot of sense.
As you may know, here in Britain the National Health Service deals with cases like mine and they usually follow a set pattern of counselling (6 hour long sessions), CBT and/or medication.
I am going to keep EMDR in mind because it may be available as something I could pay for, so thank you for that.

I am currently waiting for my DBT sessions to start. I am aware that DBT helps anorexics and self harmers so it does sound effective and promising.
I rarely go out of the house so hopefully I will not have any dreadful encounters until that starts, and it is possible my wife will drive me to the sessions.

Originally Posted by here today

Have you considered trauma therapy, maybe EMDR or something like that? All those early losses sound traumatic to me and that does things to the brain that psychodynamic T can't always help with. All that rage being triggered lke that sounds kinda PTSD-ish to me, though I'm not a counselor and couldn't diagnose you here if I were.