This possibility scares the heck out of me (well, it scares more than that out of me but PC won't let me cuss)

What if I'm so accustomed to being depressed that NOT feeling depressed makes me uncomfortable?

What if I've been alone so long that I no longer want to be around other people?

What if I hate myself so much that any compliment given to me simply sounds like: "Good job! You ate almost all of your jello!" ?

What if I'm scared to try meds because i know they only make a chemical change in my brain but my life won't change one bit?

What if doing the things i want to do to make me happy will hurt other people and it's best if everybody else is happy instead of me ("the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one")?

What if I truly disappeared tomorrow?

Possible trigger:

Lay my head to rest
Believe me, this is best
No more pain
No more sorrow
No more today
No more tomorrow

[IrisBloom]

Hello there

When we get used to a certain way of being, it is uncomfortable to change, even for the positive. It is a well known condition that being not depressed after living depressed for a long time, one may feel like they are out of their "comfort zone". We are creatures of habit and sometimes it seems we spend our lives struggling with depression or other MI, or other conditions, that if we get better it seems like something is missing. It is nothing to be worried about, but one has to fill that void now. This is when you make a plan to do things your MI kept you from. And taking meds to get better does not magically change your life. Meds typically work slowly, correcting imbalances in the brain, and when you get to a certain point, you are able to make life changes for the better. Some people are able to take meds for a time then don't need them any more, others have to take them for the rest of their life.

I very much doubt that bettering yourself and your life will hurt others. With recovery comes better reasoning ability, so hopefully if you get to this point you will use sound judgement.

[fdsotr]

I think that it can be scary to find ourselves returning to the "normal" world. Something must have caused us to leave that world and whatever that was might be waiting to pounce on us once again. Wouldn't it be nice to find and stay in a place that demands no conditions or sacrifices in order to stay?

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by IrisBloom

Hello there

When we get used to a certain way of being, it is uncomfortable to change, even for the positive. It is a well known condition that being not depressed after living depressed for a long time, one may feel like they are out of their "comfort zone". We are creatures of habit and sometimes it seems we spend our lives struggling with depression or other MI, or other conditions, that if we get better it seems like something is missing. It is nothing to be worried about, but one has to fill that void now. This is when you make a plan to do things your MI kept you from. And taking meds to get better does not magically change your life. Meds typically work slowly, correcting imbalances in the brain, and when you get to a certain point, you are able to make life changes for the better. Some people are able to take meds for a time then don't need them any more, others have to take them for the rest of their life.

I very much doubt that bettering yourself and your life will hurt others. With recovery comes better reasoning ability, so hopefully if you get to this point you will use sound judgement.

I agree.

Originally Posted by IrisBloom

Hello there

When we get used to a certain way of being, it is uncomfortable to change, even for the positive. It is a well known condition that being not depressed after living depressed for a long time, one may feel like they are out of their "comfort zone". We are creatures of habit and sometimes it seems we spend our lives struggling with depression or other MI, or other conditions, that if we get better it seems like something is missing. It is nothing to be worried about, but one has to fill that void now. This is when you make a plan to do things your MI kept you from. And taking meds to get better does not magically change your life. Meds typically work slowly, correcting imbalances in the brain, and when you get to a certain point, you are able to make life changes for the better. Some people are able to take meds for a time then don't need them any more, others have to take them for the rest of their life.

I very much doubt that bettering yourself and your life will hurt others. With recovery comes better reasoning ability, so hopefully if you get to this point you will use sound judgement.

Iris, sorry for the dumb question but I'm still new and not hip to the PC lingo ... what does "MI" stand for? Mental Illness???

If ending my marriage will make me happy, that will most def hurt my wife and 2 (grown) children. Best i continue to suffer so they are not disturbed. 3 > 1.

Shutting down my business will most def make me happy but it will also most def hurt my employees and customers.

Both of those two are large issues and my T and i are just starting to work on them (it's gonna take a while). She's trying to convince me it's ok to like and care for myself, to give myself a little of what i want, to stop being the martyr and always sacrificing myself for everybody else around me. It's def a WIP.

Please don't forget that depression alters your views.

Depression came rather late to me...about 6 years ago. I have a clear recollection of what happiness and normal was. So I can compare.

My thoughts now are wrong. I have a distorted view of life. I tried therapy. It did nothing for me. I take an antidepressant. It does not "fix" me, but it gives me small windows of "normal" during which I make small changes that WILL have some long term effects on my mental health (hopefully).

The other thing is that, with depression, you can't really wait until you hit rock bottom, because that will be too late for you. What you have to do is act while you still have the will. Don't wait. Waiting can be fatal just like any other illness.

We get what it's like....

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

Please don't forget that depression alters your views.

Depression came rather late to me...about 6 years ago. I have a clear recollection of what happiness and normal was. So I can compare.

My thoughts now are wrong. I have a distorted view of life. I tried therapy. It did nothing for me. I take an antidepressant. It does not "fix" me, but it gives me small windows of "normal" during which I make small changes that WILL have some long term effects on my mental health (hopefully).

The other thing is that, with depression, you can't really wait until you hit rock bottom, because that will be too late for you. What you have to do is act while you still have the will. Don't wait. Waiting can be fatal just like any other illness.

We get what it's like....

This then makes me scared that i can't trust my own mind, my own thoughts. I'm the only person I can rely on ... and now i can't??? Uh-oh. I'm in deep trouble.

I'm so sorry.

Probably I misspoke. I'm having a bad day and am useless and should not be speaking.

I tried to delete my post and am sorry you saw it.

Hugs.

Originally Posted by always_why

If ending my marriage will make me happy, that will most def hurt my wife and 2 (grown) children. Best i continue to suffer so they are not disturbed. 3 > 1.

Shutting down my business will most def make me happy but it will also most def hurt my employees and customers.

I can't give you any kind of feedback about your marriage and children because I'm a never-married man. So I would not be a good person to give any kind of suggestion.

On the business part, I feel like you do not owe your employees and customers anything. I have been in situations where I worked for some that sounds like a kind of business that you do (but I could be wrong about the business part). I got let go because the owner/operator didn't want to go on anymore. I felt bad being let go, but I got over it and moved on. At the time of being let go, it was no surprise because I felt like something was wrong, and I wanted to get out.

Also there had been some nice take-out food places that I enjoyed going to that seemed like "Mom-Pop". The food was good and the people were nice. And then they stopped doing business for some unknown reason. I was disappointed, but I went on somewhere else.

Remember that business is business and things do not have to be taken personally. I hope I made some sense to you.

I've never heard what a WIP is, can you explain?
I'm sorry I have no answers for your questions, but I've had them before.

Originally Posted by will19

I can't give you any kind of feedback about your marriage and children because I'm a never-married man. So I would not be a good person to give any kind of suggestion.

On the business part, I feel like you do not owe your employees and customers anything. I have been in situations where I worked for some that sounds like a kind of business that you do (but I could be wrong about the business part). I got let go because the owner/operator didn't want to go on anymore. I felt bad being let go, but I got over it and moved on. At the time of being let go, it was no surprise because I felt like something was wrong, and I wanted to get out.

Also there had been some nice take-out food places that I enjoyed going to that seemed like "Mom-Pop". The food was good and the people were nice. And then they stopped doing business for some unknown reason. I was disappointed, but I went on somewhere else.

Remember that business is business and things do not have to be taken personally. I hope I made some sense to you.

Thanks for helping out. I know i should be more of a hard-*** and should care less about others when it comes to the business but most of the customers i've known for 20+ years. This will be really hard on them because their entire business relies on our software. So this is a BIG deal to all of them if i do something and they won't be happy.

Plus one of my employees is my sons so I'll be laying off my own kid. Ouch.

I feel stuck, anchored in place, golden handcuffs, whatever you want to call it.

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

I'm so sorry.

Probably I misspoke. I'm having a bad day and am useless and should not be speaking.

I tried to delete my post and am sorry you saw it.

Hugs.

It's OK, i LIKE that you are adding your thoughts and opinions. Please don't stop.

I'm sorry you are having a bad day. I know what those are like (and bad weeks, months, etc)

I've heard what you are saying before, that depression makes me think things are true that aren't and vice versa. That scares me. Can i trust my own decisions? What other choices have i made that are "wrong" even though i thought they were "right"?

Originally Posted by disparaissant

I've never heard what a WIP is, can you explain?
I'm sorry I have no answers for your questions, but I've had them before.

WIP=Work In Process. It's more a business term i guess but i was referring to the "work" I'm doing with my therapist. Btw, i don't feel like i'm doing a very good job in therapy, i feel like a failure in therapy, not sure I'm doing what I'm supposed to do, don't feel like i'm progressing, certainly nothing in my life has changed yet. But i guess i need to be patient (something i SUCK at)

[IrisBloom]

MI=mental illness

If you are currently ill and getting treatment, maybe now is not a good time to be making major life decisions. I would never advise to leave a marriage or shut down your business unless you are of sound mind and able to handle the consequences and do right by your family and employees. I'm sorry if I didn't make myself clear.

My main point is that as you get better, you will be better able to make sound decisions and changes. Be patient with yourself and take one day at a time.

Originally Posted by IrisBloom

MI=mental illness

If you are currently ill and getting treatment, maybe now is not a good time to be making major life decisions. I would never advise to leave a marriage or shut down your business unless you are of sound mind and able to handle the consequences and do right by your family and employees. I'm sorry if I didn't make myself clear.

My main point is that as you get better, you will be better able to make sound decisions and changes. Be patient with yourself and take one day at a time.

i hear you and i understand. And i've heard the same from other ppl.
BUT .... if those 2 things are CAUSING my problems, how can i stay in them until i get better??????????????

This is why I feel stuck. A catch 22. Damned if i do, damned if don't kind of thing.

Sorry, i don't expect you to have an answer to this conundrum. Nobody else does either (especially me). Just you taking the time to read and offer support means a lot to me so thank you.

I support whatever you and your therapist decide is the best first step.

Change is scary. Staying the way you are is even scarier to us. I think age might have a hand in our loss of bravery. Familial and financial responsibilities might contribute that that fear.

You could think about how you want things to play out. It would just be a plan with no dates. What can change with the least amount of collateral damage. What path is least worst...
Possibly these things will cause a minor rumble of an adrenaline surge so you can remember how pleasurable living is again.

When will you put yourself first. Stuff like that. Start writing thoughts down. I'll do it too and we can compare notes, if you like..(I'm adrift and stuck also)

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

I support whatever you and your therapist decide is the best first step.

Change is scary. Staying the way you are is even scarier to us. I think age might have a hand in our loss of bravery. Familial and financial responsibilities might contribute that that fear.

You could think about how you want things to play out. It would just be a plan with no dates. What can change with the least amount of collateral damage. What path is least worst...
Possibly these things will cause a minor rumble of an adrenaline surge so you can remember how pleasurable living is again.

When will you put yourself first. Stuff like that. Start writing thoughts down. I'll do it too and we can compare notes, if you like..(I'm adrift and stuck also)

Thanks sophiesmom. You're a good one.

My T and i have explored this area just a little, ways to get me out from under the 16 ton blanket of stress and responsibility i live under. So far she has been encouraging me to find a way to at least take a vacation.

All I can come up with is "getting away". I fear it will be perceived as "running away" but I might counter that it would be more of a life-saving break -

Possible trigger:

if i don't do this I'll just implement the only other solution I've come up with: suicide

.

I fantasize about loading up my 4Runner and hitting the road. No specific plans or direction. Let the wind blow me. Take a month. Maybe 2. See some of this beautiful country before i go. But this would not go over well with my wife or my business or employees or customers or current projects or anybody else on the planet. So it remains a fantasy.

No, you are the good one. You know yourself much better than I know myself.

But your "alternative" will cause much collateral damage. Easy for you but damaging to your loved ones and even those you don't know at all....I hope you can understand that.

I used to fantasize about just driving...as fast as possible. I got a thrill from thinking about not caring. In those fleeting moments of fantasy (I don't indulge too much....it seems that I'm not allowed to, even sub-consciously!)...in those moments...the 'not caring' was the very best part...
The feeling was similar to when I was younger and mortality was the last thing on my mind. As if death COULDN'T happen to me. Worry certainly is limited when you don't consider consequences...

Anyway. Yes. Getting away would seem to be a good thing for you.
A very wise man I know is going on a retreat to a monastery. I like the idea. A person feels relief when choices are removed by someone else. It's liberating to be freed from your responsibilities in this manner.

I think that's the sort of break we need, maybe.

[Ghostgray]

I agree about taking a vacation. It doesn't have to be for a whole month... yet. Just the act of getting away for a little while makes a tremendous difference - at least for me it did.
I found a way to leave while making things as convenient as possible for everyone else and having a plan in place so that I wouldn't worry about things (too much) while I was gone. I went on a silent retreat and while it wasn't as strict and silent as I had hoped, after 4 days I felt like I had gotten some very cleansing alone time.
Getting back into the grind was a bit disheartening, I won't lie; but giving myself the 'ok' to have the freedom to skip out for a little while and know that things won't completely fall apart is tremendously helpful.

Originally Posted by Ghostgray

I agree about taking a vacation. It doesn't have to be for a whole month... yet. Just the act of getting away for a little while makes a tremendous difference - at least for me it did.
I found a way to leave while making things as convenient as possible for everyone else and having a plan in place so that I wouldn't worry about things (too much) while I was gone. I went on a silent retreat and while it wasn't as strict and silent as I had hoped, after 4 days I felt like I had gotten some very cleansing alone time.
Getting back into the grind was a bit disheartening, I won't lie; but giving myself the 'ok' to have the freedom to skip out for a little while and know that things won't completely fall apart is tremendously helpful.

Can I ask if you had to clear your vacation with a spouse or SO? And if so how you did that? Cuz my wife won't like it one bit.

Originally Posted by always_why

Thanks for helping out. I know i should be more of a hard-*** and should care less about others when it comes to the business but most of the customers i've known for 20+ years. This will be really hard on them because their entire business relies on our software. So this is a BIG deal to all of them if i do something and they won't be happy.

Plus one of my employees is my sons so I'll be laying off my own kid. Ouch.

I feel stuck, anchored in place, golden handcuffs, whatever you want to call it.

I guess I know how you feel. In life we can come to "crossroads". The things that we've been doing for years can just seem old and there's a feel for a new change. Making the change is very hard. I think that someone on here said that, "in having depression there is a tendency to prefer to stay where you are even if you are miserable".

I'm having a "crossroad" time myself lately. The issue is where I live. I have posted about that on here, and it's still unresolved. I feel like I should stay at where I am but I'm not crazy about it. I have another place in mind, but I don't know if it will work out. My issue, I feel, is minor compared to yours. Being so small, it does mean a lot to me.

[Ghostgray]

Originally Posted by always_why

Can I ask if you had to clear your vacation with a spouse or SO? And if so how you did that? Cuz my wife won't like it one bit.

Well, I'm single, so unfortunately I can't help you out there. I would think that if your wife knew that you genuinely needed to get away to clear your head, she'd be a little more understanding, even if it's inconvenient. But I don't know her at all, so I don't know if explaining your situation to her would help at all.