can't speak about myself

I don't want to be histrionic or unstable and scare people. I am sick and tired of immature people like my parents who hurt people simply because they're stupid, desperate, and stressed out.

But I can't tell if what I experienced is normal. I think it was very normal and maybe I was just abnormally stubborn and terrifying and my parents naturally rejected me.

Anyway, I am just kind of sad. I want to go to the beach and stare at the waves forever and not have to think anymore. I shouldn't have been born.

Do you think it would be bad if I talked about some things here? I don't want to become something people have to handle.

Go ahead and talk about what's on your mind. You just gave everyone a fair warning, so no one has to keep reading if they feel like they can't handle it.

I would like to stare at the waves forever too. No thoughts, just the sound and sight of the ocean.

Please continue to post and get it off your chest. Sending big hugs.

my bus leaves in 15 minutes. it'll take me away....

I feel trapped by my childhood.

Please keep posting and sharing

To fight inertia requires information about one's situation. If information is locked away, either we become passive or aggressive. Do you agree?

I'm quite proud of myself. I feel as if I can hold my head up about this situation.

Now to see if I can be more subtle about my aggressiveness. I'm used to fighting tooth and nail and putting up intense psychological walls to preserve myself. I'm also used to being blunt and transparent to avoid communication breakdowns.

Now I must find nuance. Strength is nothing without beauty and flexibility, but still I'm quite proud for not succumbing to the inertia of this place. I did what I wanted and therefore I was, for the most part, right.


Sorry this was supposed to be a super dramatic and upsetting thread but I'm just talking about work now. But I'm smiling. Maybe later I'll talk about the childhood psychological prisons that made my work approach so unstylish.

In such a situation do you agree that it doesn't matter if you make others upset?

Maybe I have too much experience resisting to function normally within a hierarchy. I get confused by power structures easily if there isn't an apparent cause.

I'm almost sorry I made this thread in such a self centered manner. but I guess I'll be glad when I'm a little unhappier.

I'm in sort of a good mood right now, so I don't think anything was too bad. Just the normal yelling and exasperating issues.

I won, though. My father was so controlling so I forced a game of wills and won. I broke him, though, or maybe he was already broken. I broke both of my parents and they both hated me, especially my mother. But I guess I forced things to a standstill. There was less fighting after that, only invisible power struggles and the fighting was about me. Can you imagine--all of this before I was 12. Too stubborn for such a young child. No wonder my parents were afraid.

It's funny because my father would self harm in front of the family. It was mesmerizing. It was the best part of the fighting. I think it was the only way he knew how to express himself other than displays of dominance. Maybe I self harm because it makes me feel closer to him. I get what I deserve. I am truly my father's daughter. I should tell a therapist that. They'd love me.

I'm not someone you should feel sympathy for. I'm pretty nasty. I'm worse than my parents. They hurt each other and me out of stupidity and stressful situations. I did everything on purpose.

I'm killing them slowly with this psychological war... we are all fading away because of me. But isn't it natural that a child sucks the life from the parent?

My mother is pretty much almost dead from cancer. I don't see her living more than three years. It's funny because she always said my father would be the one I killed. But he's a stubborn ****er, just like me.

It's your thread. Write whatever you want without sorry.

Glad that you have good mood. Through I'm honestly don't think you're in good mood (sorry).
It's your life. Sometimes others judges too much and our minds think that we should follow their judgement. Do what you want, as long as you're able to be responsible with your action.

I learned that lesson far too early. I sometimes wish I had less freedom or someone to tell me I'm wrong. What do you mean by taking responsibility?

You believe me, don't you. My parents were right. My guilt is correct. I wish I were delusional so I didn't have to be guilty.

Anyway. You're kind of right about my mood. I was happy but writing about this last night gave me a stomach ache lol. Guess I'm not so tough after all.

The trouble with that is i spent my later childhood locked up with my parents. So I know having someone tell me I'm wrong and limiting my freedom doesn't work either.

Frankly I am exhausted. I can't handle my adult life when I allocated so much energy to my childhood struggle. Talking about this makes me want to die. I feel like throwing up.

I don't know anything except for this power struggle and control. I don't know how to be reasonable with myself or other people. For example I can't establish a normal routine of sleeping and eating and showering/hygiene. I want to punish myself but it goes deeper than that. I just can't take care of myself.

Needy yet repulsive.

I assume from the silence that what I experienced was normal and there's no need to worry about my childhood. Anyway, there's no point in rehashing everything bad. Today was my last day at work. They gave me a card and some books, a lot more than I expected.

I don't know if they feel they owe me something or if they actually liked me. I did good work, though. One of the guys gave me a hug. I really like him. Maybe I will keep in touch with him. I think I am more open to friendship now.

I rarely get hurt. You don't have to worry about anything. I'm retiring this thread.