......

I hope I die soon.

No, don't worry. This isn't me saying "I am going to make sure I die soon." This is just me saying I want to die as soon as possible.

Not even sure why I said not to worry, except to soothe any mod who may read this. I know nobody truly cares. It doesn't matter how I feel. What I think. All that matters is that my heart still beats and my brain is still functional.

I will help others. I will watch my life crumble. I will watch people turn away. I will be alone in the end. And none of it matters. Not anymore. Why? Simple. Because I no longer matter.

Take care everyone and be good to yourselves. You still matter. Rejoice in that. Look me up if you need or want someone to talk to. Once you no longer feel the need, you can feel free to move on too...

I'm sure that's probably wishful thinking too. Who would want advice from a half wit like me?

"half wit"

I haven't experienced you like that

Lately I am being told (indirectly) I know nothing and I should shut up...so that's how I feel about me... half wit.

Sorry to hear someone has told you something like that. That would hurt anyone. I know I can get down for a long time if someone says something like that to me. Luckily, it goes away at some point even though it's hard now.

That's actually not even the worst of it and it's becoming a constant thing. I'm not quite sure what to do anymore.

Do you want to write about what the "worst part" is?

There are days or even weeks at a time sometimes where everything I do or say elicits a reason to be hollered at or cussed at. But I am told it's all my fault and when I insist it isn't.. "yea, I know, you never do anything wrong do you?" That's an example.

It's pretty common theme for abusers to try to get you to believe that your resposabile for there actions, they are abusing you ! And manipulating you .

I'm so sad that you're being treated this way.. please, don't listen to them. You're a wonderful person. You've helped me so many times.. and you've helped other people as well. They just want you to feel bad about yourself.. don't let them win!

I hope it's a person you can keep your distance to. It's not good for people who struggle to be around degrading individuals. We need people who can encourage, support, and who loves us for who we are. I have kept away from family members for that reason. I hope you're doing a bit better

I already know it's abuse, as does he. This is something we've been through before (about 3 years ago), but since he is willing to admit what he is doing this time, and because it isn't as extreme as last time, I am willing to try to work on things with him. I don't believe myself responsible for things, its just that at times I feel my thoughts, feelings, opinions are irrelevant to everyone except me, and that makes me hugely upset. After being abused the last time, I learned not to let him in my head enough to make me feel responsible, but the says those things with such hatred in his eyes when he says them, is part of what is so hurtful.

I'm sorry you're being treated badly. You are worthy and I care. You always give such wise, well thought out advice. Please limit your exposure to this toxic person(s). You deserve better. Sending big hugs.

I could get away if I so chose, he isn't keeping me captive, in fact many times he accuses me of wanting to leave n telling me to do it. He is my husband. I am completely aware of the fact I am being abused and am not staying out of necessity not fear this time. (Last time I stayed for both reasons.) I am staying simply because we do have love for one another, and when he is not stressed about something, he sincerely concentrates on improving his behaviors, as well as even uses things like essential oil to help him calm. Part of his problem right now is he is coming off a 6mo high from marijuana and doesn't want to ever go back on it, so it's driving him crazy. Then our neighbors - he told one he would no longer drive him around when he found out the neighbor was buying crack during those trips, and since then the neighbor been talking crap about my husband, even threatened him one day. My husband talks crap about the neighbor also, but doesn't threaten him. Then we have another neighbor who buddies up to us, then drops us for no reason and buddies up to the neighbor I just told you about. It wouldn't really matter who they choose to be friends with, but the fact they turned on us with no reason is worrisome. Then, we want to move... sometimes he says out of state, other times in state but different area. Sometimes he says somewhere with small population and doesn't matter if a lot to do, bc we have a car...other times he says medium population with a lot to do. Saving money is also an issue since once we married, we now receive no assistance paying our insurance premium, so we essentially lose over $200/mo bc we married, and one of our dogs passed about a month ago - pretty sure had to do with a neighbor..so it's a lot of stress on him n me causing tensions between us anyway n his coping skills are minimal, causing him to go back to his old habits easier. Normally I can deal better, but atm I am just overwhelmed.

I've never touched any mind-altering substance in my life, but why's your husband gone off marijuana? As I understand it, based only on rumors and jokes, the reverse would be indicated... I very likely don't understand something, however it's supposed to be helpful with mood, isn't it?

It is supposed to yes, but with him, anytime he does it and starts coming off his high later, he becomes really agitated and angry, which was why he was constantly staying high, but that is not a healthy practice. Even doctors will tell you, your brain needs a rest from it in between highs. He is going off it because it also doesn't allow for clear thinking for decision making, and puts a strain on the budget. Since this trailer park has so many weird neighbors, clear thinking is needed for survival's sake.