Help, please - is it possible to be suicidal, but not 'depressed'?

Hi, everyone,

I'm hoping I've posted to the correct sub-forum. (I'm new here, so please tell me, if not.) In any case, my title says it all, but I'll write a little more so as to explain my situation.

Long story short, I'm sixteen years old, and I've had what I thought was 'depression' for four years, now. I attempted suicide earlier this summer, and was hospitalized and diagnosed with major depression and GAD. I'm stabilized on medication (Cipralex) now and will be seeing a therapist as early as October, but I haven't been able to get rid of the suicide ideation. To further complicate things, I'm starting to doubt that I'm depressed.

Without going into too much detail, I used to spend a large amount of time crying, and feeling that I'm a complete and utter failure. While I still feel, deep down, that I'm a failure (largely because I'll have to take a semester off school), I'm no longer as upset as I once was. It's hard to explain, really. I just feel ... empty. I'm not sure if I'm 'numb' and this is a sign of depression, or if I'm just going crazy.

Whatever the case, I feel immensely guilty, because I'm suicidal and yet there are many, many people out there who are worse off than I am - and who aren't. I've lost my appetite, and I no longer have the energy (or patience) to read, or write, or do whatever it is that I used to enjoy, but it's not a struggle to get out of bed, it's not a struggle to get rid of unwanted thoughts. I don't feel that I'm "sinking in quicksand," or however else depression is described. Not anymore. I'm just ... here.

Like I said, though, the suicidal thoughts haven't gone away. I'm not sure if I'm actively suicidal at this point - some times I am, some times I'm not - but I'm always thinking. What if I hike to a bridge and jump off? What if I steer my car into a ditch? What if I take all my medication at once? And on and on ... While I've talked to my parents about these thoughts, I'm not comfortable doing so. My father has had depression in the past, but he never contemplated suicide, and he doesn't understand. (When he drove me to the hospital, he kept telling me how "selfish" and "stupid" I am.) My mother has never had depression and, while I know she's trying, I'm scaring her. I'm terrified to talk to either of them. I feel they won't "get" me; I fear they'll bring me to the hospital again (though, admittedly, that might be where I need to be).

I've just reached the point where I feel so helpless and alone. I don't have anyone to talk to (and, honestly, I don't want to talk to anyone). It's a struggle to put a smile on my face, to stop staring into space, to silence the 'what if's'. And everyone around me knows it. As a result, I feel like such a burden. I fear that I'll never be normal, that I'll never stop feeling 'nothing'. I don't know what to do.

I'm convinced that I'm not depressed, though. In fact, I'm starting to worry that I'm going crazy. (I mean, is it possible that I'm making this up? (Maybe what I've written isn't accurate ... I don't know ... ) Am I doing this to myself?) There are moments, no matter how brief, when I feel relieved, even happy. Therefore, if I have depression, it's most likely mild. Right?

TL;DR. I'm stuck in a rut, and I think I'm being dramatic and/or going crazy. I don't know what to do about this, and I'm starting to think that death is the only way out. Is this 'normal'? Or does it sound like I have depression? (Or something else?)

If you've made it this far, I appreciate it. Apologies in advance for the length and rush-ed-ness of this post, and thank you.

- Singin' In the Rain

This sounds exactly like depression. It can take on many forms and you've described many key features. Ones that are often misunderstood. No one here can diagnose you, but you were professionally diagnosed.

Moments of happiness can still occur even in severe depression. Please don't think you are over-reacting or being dramatic. You deserve some help for what you're going through. Regardless of what it is.

You said that "honestly, I don't want to talk to anyone". I'm hoping that's just because it hasn't gone well so far. Talking to someone who understands or who is capable of understanding is very important until you get that therapy.

Use the telephone crisis lines when it gets bad. If the telephone is too hard, try online chat crisis support. There are links here such as the grey box at the very bottom right of every page. There are also some links in the sticky threads at the top of the thread list for this forum.

It is entirely possible to feel this way and not "feel" depressed. My worse cases of ideation come when I'm in a mixed bipolar state. (Depressed and manic at the same time.) also some meds can actually cause suicidal ideation.

Please get help from a pdoc, therapist, or hotline. It sounds like your parents arre not the ones talk to about this and my heart ❤️ goes out to you. You may need a different med or additional meds. Fight for your right to live and be happy. It's possible and it's worth it.

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time and that you're parents aren't more supportive. Know you are not alone. I hope you feel better soon. Sending big hugs.

I just want to send you a hug. The other posters have given good advice. Please keep posting here as well if it might help. You're definitely not alone here

Sounds like depression

Hi, everyone,

I'm too tired to reply at length, but I'd like to thank you for your thoughts and kind words. Today was an especially bad day, so I appreciate it. Thank you.

I'm definitely trying to get help, by the way (though part of me feels I'm lazy and don't really deserve it). I actually have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Tuesday, so here's hoping we can figure things out, then. I'm really starting to wonder if I'll ever be normal, or if this is the new 'normal', however. And Tuesday seems so very far away. I hate to be dramatic, but some times I wonder if I'll make it till then. Sigh.

hang in there