Ashamed. Miserable. Stuck.

OK, so I'm 19 and still live at home with my family who are extremely supportive and I love them eternally. I'm very close with my parents, they're more like off-duty psychologists or friends than they are authoritative figures. Anyway, I'm currently enduring sleep problems and I'm asleep during the day, awake all night - SO I must've blacked out last night because at some point during my ''sleep'', I wake up in my bed to my mother taking a photograph of me ''sleeping peacefully'' contrary to what I'm like in a bad mood. Regardless, I doze back off to sleep and wake up later in the evening.

I find out that my response to my mother was aggressive and abrupt, spewing "don't touch me" which is something I often do as I don't like people in my bedroom whilst sleeping because I was molested at my then 'friends' sleepover back when I was eleven. Since then I've had severe trust issues and feel uncomfortable going to sleep in case someone touches me WHICH I know, at heart, my family won't do but the paranoia is mentally debilitating.

I understand my mother likely understands this as she's supported me with so much over the years she really is a trooper however it can't be nice being accused by your son of doing something so disgusting and heinous whilst you're trying to take a photo you think is ''cute''. In another world, this is something I would talk about and apologise but it just isn't something I can verbalise - it's something we don't talk about as a family.

I just feel so achingly miserable that it literally makes me want to vomit or lie down for a few hours but I can't do that all the time. It's been like this for a while I just don't know how to handle it. I'll bring it all up with my therapist next session, a little over a week away and see what she suggests. We're mostly focusing on my agoraphobia so it just feels like I'm overwhelmed with issues. I know it could all be so much worse which is an acknowledgment weighing me down with guilt.

I just don't know what to do, think or say. I feel powerless.

I definitely understand the paranoia you have. Although not entirely the same, I hate being touched at all, and have slowly (sometimes it seems excruciatingly slow) been getting used to my friends and allowing them to give me hugs and such. Even then, they all know to ask first, and only occasionally forget.

I get the same feeling you describe when I have a cringe reaction or even a reflex to fight. They immediately apologize, and I do my best to remind them that it isn't their fault.

What came to mind for me, when reading this, was maybe you could do something for your mom, like cook a meal or make her something. You mentioned agoraphobia, so flowers may be hard to get... I just wonder if some small gesture, as an apology, would say what you want to say, without actually having to bring up the topic itself, since she knows it's an issue for you.

Those are beautiful suggestions, childofchaos831. And it's wonderful that someone understands -- it's awful when those close to us feel as if they've done something wrong when in actuality it was just a reflex/reaction. Thank you for the response, I appreciate it.

Hi, I didn't realise you were only 19, you sound very "mature" in a good way for 19. But when I was 19 I was in a completely different mental space, I never saw a therapist until I was quite a bit older than that.

My parents were very unsupportive. I'm happy for you that you have loving, supportive parents. I wish I had had the sense to really think things through at the age of 18 or 19 and take myself to a therapist but I didn't, sadly. I did work, have friends, all the usual stuff but I was constantly told how selfish and horrible I was

I love the suggestion of making your mum a meal or making her something else.

I wish I had been more demonstrative and loving to my parents.. maybe they could have loved me then. But they didn't ..

I don't go out much these days .. I don't literally have agoraphobia but I have something not dissimilar and I know how painful it is

PS I was just about to delete my post as .. I'm "avoidant" and ...

You sound like a lovely person and you don't deserve to feel ashamed. I'm sorry you're feeling miserable and stuck, it's a horrible feeling and I can empathise

you have a lot on your plate. Definately talk you T. Does your mother know what happened at that slumber party? I don't think she meant to upset you. If you talk to her she sounds likes she cares and would understand. Don't beat yourself for having an extreme reaction. It comes with the territory with childhood abuse.

I was abused as a child and still now 50 years later my husband knows not to kiss me or touch me when I'm asleep because I wake up screaming and fighting. He learned the hard way when I elbowed him in the nose. I don't even remember doing it.

Mother knows all about it, it's not something we talk about ever for obvious reasons. Though, I feel there was some repression. She definitely didn't mean any harm at all, which is why I felt so guilty and horrible. We've since talked and she understand perfectly so it's all good it's just a shame.

I'm so terribly sorry to hear about what happened to you, trauma is literally a poison. I'll definitely talk to my T. Thank you so much for your kind support

That means so much to me, Fuzzy -- thank you so much

Hi, Fuzzy! I'm so happy you finally have the support of a therapist I hope they treat you well! From what I've seen, you're certainly not selfish nor horrible. You're a kind, gentle, sensitive individual 'The past is the past' as they say. SO difficult to truly grasp this concept, I know -- but realistically, it's probably best for most of us to let go of the past. I know this, you know this, I'm sure we ALL know this What a tiresome mission!! We have to stay strong.

Hoping for the absolute best for you, Fuzzy - you're such a loving, caring person deserving of peace and tranquility

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