[Rose76]

I have gotten awfully depressed. And I've been acting miserable. I feel terrible about myself . . . sorry I was ever born. I'm sure others have felt likewise about me.

These episodes don't last forever. Like the flu, they are self-limiting. This will get better. I must remember that.

Originally Posted by East17

How many times can one do the "same **** different day" thing...?
Wish the brain had an off switch.

I think the same thing for myself. I just go like clockwork each day, weekends included.

This seems to be a cluster of good days I've found myself in. I could ruin it all by letting myself entertain a few "what-ifs", but I will try not to. One day at a time, Bjørnen.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I have gotten awfully depressed. And I've been acting miserable. I feel terrible about myself . . . sorry I was ever born. I'm sure others have felt likewise about me.

These episodes don't last forever. Like the flu, they are self-limiting. This will get better. I must remember that.

I'm sorry you are having a tough time. I'm thinking of you and hoping you feel better soon.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by will19

I think the same thing for myself. I just go like clockwork each day, weekends included.

I'm sorry you feel this way. I've enjoyed reading about your days and the routine you seem to stick to. I want to start a routine and find myself too inconsistent to do so. I admire your ability.

[regretful]

Currently sticking to the physical exercise plan, my natural anti-depressant, to get me through what I hope will turn out to be a rough patch and not that slide into oblivion...I wish all of you well with your personal struggle.

[Ceara1010]

So I'm frustrated a bit and a little depressed still. I've had workman in my house (fixing hurricane Harvey damage) for days, along with construction in the street right out front. It feels like it's a mess everywhere and this is somewhat stressful. Plus, I never know when the workmen are going to show up, or how long they are going to be here, so I can't plan my day.

But I'm staying calm. It'll be over soon.

Hang in there everyone.

[Rose76]

Thanks for the hugs and support above. I'm still low, but improved a bit.

[Sunflower123]

My doctor's office called this morning. It turns out I have a hiatal hernia right above my lap band that has been causing rather severe problems. His office is now working with my insurance to move forward with removing the band. I'm so happy that I have an answer and it can be fixed. There were many days I would throw up even water violently.

He asked me if I wanted a conversion while he was in there to another type of weight loss. I said thanks but no thanks (in my mind I was saying h*** no). My appetite has drastically decreased since I became sick and I've made a habit of grazing small meals so I'm losing weight naturally. Good news.

Sending hugs to all that are struggling.

[PsychNitrous]

I shouldn't be working, I'm not anywhere near effective at my job right now. I don't know what alternative there is though. I can't not work, but I just can't keep this up. I don't know what to do anymore.

[952p65823]

Guess what's making me depressed and anxious today?! FRUIT FLIES. Another Jewish holiday is about to start. Maybe a miracle will happen and they will all leave my house.

Other than that, well, I can't complain. Still got a lot of stress at work, but I have a meeting with a supervisor tomorrow to talk over some of my concerns. Here's hoping I don't cry(!!!).

[952p65823]

Originally Posted by PsychNitrous

I shouldn't be working, I'm not anywhere near effective at my job right now. I don't know what alternative there is though. I can't not work, but I just can't keep this up. I don't know what to do anymore.

Right there with you! Be strong!

Today was a kind of day that a lot of little things were going wrong; one after another. Pretty slow day at work but I kept myself busy with training videos. It gets depressing after a while. By far I'd rather be real busy with my job instead of just watching company videos.

I got a phone call just as I was about to finish lunch. It was from an account rep. from one of the major carriers (I don't want to name it). She sounded very frantic to me and was telling me that my company is refusing to pay for shipping for a box I had shipped out. I was really caught off guard on that.

In the late afternoon I had planned to workout after work and then my lower back started to hurt. All I did was get out of my chair at work and, bang, it happened. So I went bike riding instead of working out.

Went to the pool area and there was one guy there. He didn't say much to me. He was just using his phone and then talk to someone. And then he abruptly left. Didn't even say "good bye" to me. Why do people have to be such jerks? Lately there have been people coming into the pool area. And so far they have all been undesirable. Typical of my place.

Lately I feel like I'm not liking my job. It was not so long ago and for a good long time that I loved my job. Now I find it depressing. It's not busy, people are not that social, the staff just comes and goes, and some are very testy. In watching the new company videos, it would seem ironic that I had been hired on and got a raise, and in those videos they talk a lot about being effective in cost-cutting.

it's too much

it hurts

I can't complain

I've gone back to looking at triggering stuff on the internet



family portrait:

mother (, , ) pater (, )

me (, )

fundamentally, alone

[Rose76]

I've been awake since 4 a.m. Part of this is due to me being up through the night rendering care to my boyfriend. I'm trying to explain to him that I cannot be rendering care around the clock. Real necessities, yes. But I can't be up all night just because he's restless. I've gone days now without a decent night's sleep. It's like being a mother with a newborn baby. I'm getting irritable with him. I tell him that I'm just one person and I have to have "time off."

I'm not so down in a funk as I was, but I'm still a good ways away from feeling okay.

I've been there with my dad, Rose. I was very angry at myself for getting irritable at a man who had only months left. I loved him dearly, but I also secretly dreamed of the day I would have my solitude back. I've always felt guilty about that, but I know it's a natural thing for family caretakers to feel.

Hoping you find more pockets of time to yourself soon.

[Turtle_Rider]

This week totally awful to me.

[Ceara1010]

So yesterday was stressful because the workman who came to work on the ceiling of my apartment didn't put a drop cloth or plastic down, and he left a huge mess when he left. It's stressful enough having to deal with unreliable strangers in my apartment all day, but this made it worse.

I did all kinds of stuff to deal with the stress--journaled, posted here, read lots of gratitude postings here, reviewed my progress list. Still, I was pretty stressed yesterday, and really tired by the end of the day. Luckily, when I listened to New Age music to help me relax last night, it really lifted my mood. So I'm listening to it now and it's helping me keep the stress at bay while I wait around for the workmen to not show up, yet again.

Still, I think the rest of the week is going to be like this.

I'm hanging in there. All of you hang in there.

[Rose76]

Three hours of sleep last night. Going back to bed now. I'm so tired. Hope I can sleep. Depression is much less.

[JustTvTroping]

I don't know why I even bother trying to move on when it just keeps coming back.

I can't deal with this. The psychological toll this is taking on me is ridiculous. I want out.

[sheldonkennedy]

Originally Posted by emptynightmare

I can't deal with this. The psychological toll this is taking on me is ridiculous. I want out.

That's exactly how I feel. Like I've gone through this just one time too many and there's no more strength left. After giving up, somehow a reason comes to me, at the lowest possible point, through tears, complete anguish, inner screaming, shaking and total, total despair. The reason is always that the pain my leaving would cause my family. And that's just enough to get me to tomorrow, when some energy returns, I somehow drag myself out of bed. Somehow. Maybe I'll have a better day, maybe I won't. But I'll know tomorrow.

well, I wasn't actually talking about suicide, but if I did commit suicide I'm sure I would not cause pain. I would further their eternal disdain. i am pretty much dead to them already anyway.

Really, it hurts when people say their "reason" to live is because of family.

I'd like to kill myself because of them.

it is because I cannot live in this world

I have nowhere to go

I am an outcast

everywhere there is another trap for me to be exploited

you think you have opportunity but that comes at a cost.

I am alone. I am isolated. I truly can't do it anymore. there is no future.

I am soulless. it is very difficult.

[952p65823]

Well, my meeting with a higher-up to discuss a work problem did not go well. But it didn't go terribly and at LEAST I didn't cry. By my standards, that's a good meeting!

I hope everyone is hanging in there.

[952p65823]

Originally Posted by Ceara1010

So yesterday was stressful because the workman who came to work on the ceiling of my apartment didn't put a drop cloth or plastic down, and he left a huge mess when he left. It's stressful enough having to deal with unreliable strangers in my apartment all day, but this made it worse.

I've never been hit by a hurricane, but I HATE having strangers in my house, so I feel your pain in that respect. I hope they get done soon!