[ScientiaOmnisEst]

I don't know what other options there are for me in life.

I seem to get agitated by every little thing and have for the past week or so. Things that normally don't affect me suddenly do, including relative privation arguments.

Some people on a subforum I visit periodically gathered around to mock some bunch of guys whinging about how hard their lives are basically because they were refusing to accept responsiblity in their relationships - and then compared those relationships to literal slavery. So someone comments "Yeah, I wonder if these guys would change their tune if they magically switched places with a 12 year old heroin addicted sex slave."

I guess that stopped me dead. I've thought, in my lowest, most numbed out times, that I could trade places with a usual privation symbol: someone from extreme poverty, or a warzone who lost everyone, if it meant I could also have some kind of motivation or hope for a better future. But human trafficking never crossed my mind. Maybe I'm even worse than I thought for feeling like I do?

I keep telling myself I have no pretensions to having it worse than others; I have a pretty perfect life materially speaking. There's nothing going on emotionally and I feel like I'm constantly stagnating more and more, mentally. I'm basically obligated to be perfect, I've never had any hardship and have no real problems. But I don't care either. I guess this just hammered it home all over again, because a sex slave is one privation character I wouldn't trade places with, who's hardship I don't think I'd be able to handle at all, in any way. Yes, I can say that would be worse than emptiness and nameless fear.

Yet here I am, empty, sad, no direction - vile, disgusting, wrong, and incapable of any feeling other than self-pity. I never know where to go from here to I usually just retreat into selfishness. I mean, okay, I recognize my feelings are invalid, but there's nothing I can do. The only thing any I get out of the "someone has it worse" perspective-shift is guilt. That's all. Now I feel guilty and ashamed on top of my first-world depression problems. Now what? Am I just supposed to be magically not-sad anymore, suddenly imbued with purpose and direction and feel like I have anything besides seeing tomorrow to live for, because I've never been raped or something? I mean, it's nice I've never experienced something so horrific, but there are plenty of less horrific hardships I've never experienced either. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

[88Butterfly88]

I'm starting to feel like some people don't care about me, particularly my therapist, and it's making me a bit depressed.

[Olanza-what?]

Okay day wasn't too bad, I got through work with only a few glitches, managed to be semi-productive though my mind was elsewhere, managed to dodge the boss and escape on time, didn't have to cook dinner, hubby went out for pizza and so now I don't have to cook tomorrow either cause there's plenty of left overs...yippee ki-yay. I even got to take off that awful heart monitor that was biting, binding, restrictive , annoying, itching and breaking out my skin. I am sick and tired of being SICK and TIRED.. I felt it served no purpose but I'm no doctor and may never know the results, still waiting on other test results, still waiting to see a pdoc. Folks I got to find a way of dealing with the waiting.

I tried laying all of this self pity crap down and focus on something or someone else, get out of my head and be of some use but I get slapped in the face, so much for being a nice guy. Maybe in a previous life, I was some mean awful person and because I didn't get it right the first time I was forced to come back to this hell hole and try it again... looks like I might be coming right back again.

[nikon]

hey guys
I'm trying to check in daily on the eating disorders thread to try to get on top of persisting obsessions etc, but for the last few days my depression has been getting really strong again. I've got a lot of free time, although i do have things I'm meant to be doing (studying - essays, weekly forum discussions etc). With the studies I feel apathetic. Last night i got really down, angry and felt like hurting myself or destroying something. I almost broke my phone just pushing on the screen out of frustration. sometimes feel like throwing it or breaking a window when I'm that mood but try to not do it by telling myself how difficult it would be to get a new phone after that. I think the action i'm putting in is not too bad but I just feel crushingly down and lonely at the moment.

[seeminglyreal]

took me a good two hours to decide to vent to a friend about how lonely I've been feeling, only to have her leave me hanging and answer "that sucks :/" lmao good to learn I should just shut the **** up and never open my mouth ever again. thank you for being one of the reasons I feel my existence doesn't ****ing matter.

[Ceara1010]

So I woke up today somewhat anxious and nauseous. I've been worse, so I'm not fretting about it which will make it worse. (I'm breathing deeply and listening to calming music.)

Of course it's because of the workmen who, once again, didn't show up to work on the hurricane damage, and I don't know what to expect from them today. Plus, I will be gone most of the day, which means if they do show up, I won't be home and I don't like the idea of strangers in my apartment at all, let alone strangers in my apartment when I'm not there.

But I will continue to use coping skills so I don't make things worse for myself. I hung out a lot here at PsychCentral yesterday and it really helped me keep the stress to a minimum. The social forums have a lot of fun, positive threads that help you keep a perspective.

I'm hanging in there. All of you hang in there, too, okay.

[Rose76]

I have to push myself. It's requiring a strenuous effort, at the moment . . . like I'm made of lead mixed with chunks of pure iron, tied to an anchor that would hold an aircraft carrier stationary during a typhoon.

Heave, haul.

[Olanza-what?]

The day was pretty good. I managed to get to work, do my job to the best of my ability and even chatted with my boss. I have a long history with my boss and she has been very good to me and my family over the last 20 years but she has not dealt well with my current health issues and thinks that I am still the same person that I use to be prior to all of this. She doesn't get on my case for missed work, all the doctor appointments etc. but she drives me crazy with worry and things. In all honesty, I love her and care about her and her family very much and am sad that soon it will all end once her business is closed. you see, she's been my boss and a friend, in that order. I also only had a few near fainting/heart pounding events today, just a few and they were brief. I just finished feeding pets and am listening to Judge Judy in the background, she cracks me up, but boy oh boy don't make her mad, she can be pretty mean. I am feeling pretty good mentally. I haven't felt like this in sometime.

[952p65823]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I have to push myself. It's requiring a strenuous effort, at the moment . . . like I'm made of lead mixed with chunks of pure iron, tied to an anchor that would hold an aircraft carrier stationary during a typhoon.

Heave, haul.

You know Adam Smith's invisible hand of the marketplace? When I'm really down, I feel it pushing on me, in exactly the opposite direction of whatever I'm trying to do.

[952p65823]

Today was uneventful, in the no news is good news kind of way. The Jewish holidays continue, so I'm celebrating with some (surprisingly tasty) frozen Indian food.

[lotusblossom19]

Finished something I had been putting off doing for a while. A few things actually. I'd like to get approved for something I apply for at some point, though. Tired of facing rejection and starting over...over and over again. It ain't nothing new. Story of my life. Seems like I've always had to walk on fire for things other people get without breaking a sweat.

This morning I was feeling alright at work for the first time in a while. And then that shipping issue that I had mentioned earlier came up again. It happened at mid-morning and ruined that time for me. I was being asked a hard question. But I think that it may be resolved.

Worked out today and it went well, but it was very hot outside. My friend called tonight. I had planned to get together with him for lunch and then to a shoe store. He said that he has someone coming to his place in the morning. He thinks that person will go away before lunch. It's too bad that he makes plans on Saturdays.

Originally Posted by Olanza-what?

Okay day wasn't too bad, I got through work with only a few glitches, managed to be semi-productive though my mind was elsewhere, managed to dodge the boss and escape on time, didn't have to cook dinner, hubby went out for pizza and so now I don't have to cook tomorrow either cause there's plenty of left overs...yippee ki-yay. I even got to take off that awful heart monitor that was biting, binding, restrictive , annoying, itching and breaking out my skin. I am sick and tired of being SICK and TIRED.. I felt it served no purpose but I'm no doctor and may never know the results, still waiting on other test results, still waiting to see a pdoc. Folks I got to find a way of dealing with the waiting.

I tried laying all of this self pity crap down and focus on something or someone else, get out of my head and be of some use but I get slapped in the face, so much for being a nice guy. Maybe in a previous life, I was some mean awful person and because I didn't get it right the first time I was forced to come back to this hell hole and try it again... looks like I might be coming right back again.

[Rose76]

Still awake at 5 a.m.

Originally Posted by Rose76

I have gotten awfully depressed. And I've been acting miserable. I feel terrible about myself . . . sorry I was ever born. I'm sure others have felt likewise about me.

These episodes don't last forever. Like the flu, they are self-limiting. This will get better. I must remember that.

Thanks Rose. I have to remember this too.

[PsychNitrous]

I don't know if this is the depression or if I'm getting sick. I'm just so exhausted lately. Yesterday I napped on the couch almost all afternoon, and today I want to go back to sleep already. I've only been up for up for an hour. I don't know what's going on.

[nikon]

I'm never sure where most forum members are from, so never sure what time of day it is for most people - like where I am it's almost 18:00. I've felt pretty down and lonely today, lethargic and nothing feels good. I got part of a college assignment done fortunately. about ten days ago my psychiatrist decreased one of my meds because I was getting very bad possible side effects, and I'm getting concerned that decreasing it has caused the depression to flare up. on the other hand, i was taking 50mg x2 daily, and now 25mg in the morning and 50mg at night so it's not a big difference at all. i'm in that mood where nothing feels good. watching a series doesn't feel good, listening to music doesn't.... like the only good thing would be to switch myself off until i stop feeling like this, then switch back on.

[Ceara1010]

I spent most of yesterday with my sister as is usual on Fridays, but I was nauseous from stress for most of the day. It's just my usual stress these days: I can't get back to a routine since the hurricane because of unreliable workmen who never show up when they say they will, and then show up out of the blue.

I feel a bit less anxious today because someone DID show up today, though it was unexpected. At least there's some work getting done.

I've got nothing planned for today except rest and maybe run to the store this evening to get a few groceries. After such a stressful week, I very much need to chill. Maybe I'll play some video games, watch movies, read....

I'm hanging in there. All of you hang in there.

It's 10:30 AM where I am now. I'm not sure if my friend and I will get together today. He said that he would have someone come to his place around 9:30 this morning. He always makes plans on Saturdays and that's why we don't get together that much. And he seems to cry that we don't get together. Well, duh!

I didn't sleep well last night because the couple downstairs from me were out until 1:30 AM. Their dog was howling and barking while they were out. I got fed up and called the police. I didn't know what was going on. They rarely ever go out anywhere. The dispatcher told me that the police don't come for barking dogs. I don't understand that. The police would come when there's a noisy party with humans, but they don't come for barking dogs. I hope it does not happen again.

Kind of torturing myself with memories of better days, and thoughts of "what could have been". Other than that, things are okay. Just a little bitter. Maybe I'll feel better if I get to the gym and then have some lunch.

Hoping you all are managing alright today.

I got together with my friend at his place today after all. He seemed kind of down and grumpy. He picked out things about me that are critical - just little things. He doesn't realize how hurtful they can be. I suppose it's just part of being very old, I guess. He seems to act at least a little bit better at my place than when I go to his. I have never been crazy about going to his place. He's not crazy about going to mine. But we seem to enjoy our company; but not always.

I went to his place today because there is a nice store close by that sells shoes. So it was a good excuse for me to go there. It was very hot outside and it's still hot outside right now. Hot weather depresses me more than cooler weather does.

I felt pretty good this morning and energetic despite of not getting a good night's sleep last night because of the dog downstairs from me. In the afternoon my mood sunk. As stupid as this may sound, I had some time in my mind worrying about my job. I am a real worrier. I can be a warrior and a worrier.

[nikon]

today I finished an assignment that I have due tomorrow, and I went on a short bike ride. I've still got some college work for tomorrow but am struggling to do it. Have felt pretty down today still. Last night was quite difficult. Sometimes when I am down I also get very angry and feel like destroying things, and I felt like that last night. Also got a wave of feeling completely disgusted by my body, which I haven't had for a while. I am in recovery from an ED, and seeing myself in a video that I recorded for my assignment was really triggering.

[Ceara1010]

After hanging out in the PTSD forum yesterday, I realized that my workmen situation is stressing me out so much because it's triggering my PTSD symptoms. I won't go into details about how this is happening because it's a little complicated, but it's good for me to see this even though it won't really change much what I've been doing to cope with it all.

I'll be spending the day at my folk's place today which I usually do on Sunday's. That should be fun.

Hope everyone is doing okay.

[Olanza-what?]

Originally Posted by Ceara1010

After hanging out in the PTSD forum yesterday, I realized that my workmen situation is stressing me out so much because it's triggering my PTSD symptoms. I won't go into details about how this is happening because it's a little complicated, but it's good for me to see this even though it won't really change much what I've been doing to cope with it all.

I'll be spending the day at my folk's place today which I usually do on Sunday's. That should be fun.

Hope everyone is doing okay.

I hope you have a wonderful time visiting with your folk's. Here's to new fond memories!

[boomerango]

I still feel grief atop my 'dysphoria' depression. More anxiety. My response is to prepare better for my own death, and for more loss. I am impatient and difficult. And so, so tired all the time. My constant companion, Fatigue, has woven chains around my body. I make it to work, muster a positive face, then recover underground for days and hours after, as soon as work is over. I say it, I go to counseling, and take my medications, but it's more than I can ever express, and farther away than help. We are all unique in this, and so very alone, aren't we?