[nikon]

hope everyone is ok
i'm glad the weekend is over. i find weekends to be more difficult when i'm struggling because i know there isn't much help available over that time - ie: my dr or therapist won't be there to answer an email or return a phone call. and i'm extremely unlikely to call them on an emergency number, even if it is a total emergency.

in general and now i have been feeling horrible about friendships, because i have almost no friends and probably no close friends. i feel self-blame for this but also feel angry at people for not replying to messages i send. at times i walk past my housemate and say hello but she doesn't look round or reply. i do take things personally, no matter whether that is rational or not, and by now i virtually want to stop talking to people completely. people have always told me i need to go out and make friends and it is an active thing, but i have tried to do that and ****-all happens. i feel no connection with people and the friends i make pretty much ignore me a lot of the time.

i'm glad that tomorrow i see my therapist but also nervous that i'll just end up arguing with him, because i just feel like **** everything, and obviously a therapist is not going to be ok with that.

I didn't have a good sleep last night and kept waking up during the night, I kept panicking because I was worrying about what my supervisor was going to think about me taking a day off. I told him in the end and everything went okay. I do worry whether something bad will happen and I wouldn't be able to go through with it. I'm so relieved that I'm not panicking now. I can get on with my day in peace.

[Albatross2008]

Kind of having a dip right now. Physically I'm getting better from the flu bug I've been battling, but depression is kicking in big time.

[Angelique67]

Everytime I look into my life from being outside of it I'm horrified to remember where I am and how hopeless it all is. I'd rather be dead.

[regretful]

I don't check in on the weekends...try to stay away from the "screen". If I did check in, it would have been not so good - though Friday was a great visit with old friends, Saturday was filled with business problems...so much so that it affected sleep on Saturday and Sunday night. I feel trapped in something that I cannot get out of, and that just adds to the depression. Despite it, I'm trying to steer clear of discouragement and complaining - but it's tough...

[mulan]

Depression took it easy on me these past days. I took a break from social life last week it helped. But the schizoid me is kicking in. In the morning I went to work just to learn some patient had just died, almost didn't get upset, plain feelings (I barely knew him and it was expected). My partner had to leave work later in the past week how I was expecting, had to fake being sorry. I feel guilty, but at the same time little concerned. I have a week off in two weeks and I feel hated and already hate myself, but it isn't out of concern for others, it's because it makes me feel like a guilty, mean person.
I am tired and I want to sleep, but I have stuff to do.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Angelique67

Everytime I look into my life from being outside of it I'm horrified to remember where I am and how hopeless it all is. I'd rather be dead.

Angelique - I am so sorry you’re having a tough time. It is hard looking from the outside in. You mentioned chocolate in a post in The Coffeehouse, and I said if we lived closer I’d bring you chocolate and I would although I’d probably try to bust you out of there. Do you want to talk about it?

[Sunflower123]

We could be Thelma and Louise.

[Angelique67]

They had good teeth though, hahaha!

[Angelique67]

And thank you for all your kindness, Jennifer, yesterday and today. I'd love to be busted out of this place.

[Sunflower123]

My surgery has been rescheduled for next Monday. Ok - Yay!!!! It made me much happier then I thought it would.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Angelique67

They had good teeth though, hahaha!

I have a beautiful smile and I’m sure you do as well.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I have a beautiful smile and I’m sure you do as well.

You can smile for the both of us! Lol

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Why. Why do I have to stumble on something new to worry about every damn day? Yesterday it was free will, today it's impending societal collapse:

Many of us have or are currently coping with depression. There's evidence that depression may lift the veil on some key cultural myths, via depressive realism, and many of us have come to grasp collapse concepts while in a depressed state. ... The concept of collapse is terrifying and deeply troubling. Arguably, there is still for hope for survival and adaptation. Civilizations and climates have collapsed before. While this one is likely to be extreme, it is helpful to remember that we are all the descendants of previous survivors. We evolved from lifeforms that survived previous mass extinctions. We are all descendants of humans that survived the numerous known civilization collapses. These are slow moving phenomena that often take generations to play out. Hopefully we can live well in the shadow of collapse and make the most of foresight.

Others talk about abandoning hope of slowing or stopping it; the world is ending, go and enjoy yourself as much as you can. I don't know. My own death actually bothers me less than the end of humanity, even if it can be conceptualized as the same kind of thing on a larger scale. I want to cry, I want to break. I feel so helpless all the time and this is just one more enormous weight. Yes, it's weak, but this just adds one more feeling of "it's not worth it" - like if I could do things and it lasts even a couple years after I'm gone, I'd be okay. But to live and achieve and die as part of a last generation, and have the species die soon after...it hurts too much to think about.

I know what I should do is worry about myself and my life. Do things for me so I can die knowing I lived well, no matter what. But I'm too paralyzed and empty right now.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

My surgery has been rescheduled for next Monday. Ok - Yay!!!! It made me much happier then I thought it would.

Great news!

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Love to everyone on the thread. Hope your Monday was/is not too bad.

[Rose76]

Yesterday was a reasonably decent day. Then I couldn't sleep last night. Awake till 5:30 a.m. So felt tired and crummy today. But I'm resolved to go through some paperwork and make some stew in crock pot.

Right now I feel nauseated.

Got through my shift today, which was my main goal. I find my depression and anxiety and negative thinking often make an 8 hour shift seem like a mountain, when really it's not that bad. When I take it in increments of 2 hours at a time, it does help. I'm glad to be home though, lots of walking and lifting done today!

[Deilla]

I had a doctor's appointment today. It wore me out but it's done. I'm good for 2 months. And now I'm free for the holidays. I'm going to relax and be kind to myself. I'm spending the holidays alone. Well, I have my cat. He's getting a special treat!

[Rose76]

Finally, over the last twenty minutes, now at 5:49 p.m., I feel okay. This is happening every day. I feel crappy all day, both physically and mentally, but it gets better in the late afternoon, or early evening.

So, now, maybe I'll have a few good hours. But tomorriw I'll go through this all over again. I am desperate to get out of this miserable daily cycle. I'm just in tears now, thinking hiw can I stop having to go through this day after day after day.

I believe constant anxiety over my boyfriend is part of what is bringing me down. In August, he almost died from an infection. In September, he was bleeding internally. Now, he has bronchitis or pneumonia. We go from one medical crisis to the next. Today I debated taking him over to the emergency room, but we were just there on Thursday.

But he's in good spirits and pleasant, saying he doesn't feel sick. I seem to be the one he feels sick. I dread anything happening to him. I dread losing him. But one health problem on the heels of another keeps me mindful that I only have him here on borrowed time. Of we could just have some spell where things stay normal for awhile.

I am kept perpetually in a state of waiting to see if we'll get through a bad problem okay. I know life is challenge after challenge, for everyone. But we are in constant crisis mode. At least, I am. I don't get a break from worrying.

[Sunflower123]

Whew!!!! Thought I crashed the site. Somebody said something to me today that literally stopped me in my tracks and I really appreciated it. It was about self care...something I definitely need to work on so I’m going to step back for a while.

Best wishes and much love for happy and blessed holidays.

[sky457]

Depressed and don’t feel worthwhile anymore

[katydid777]

I hope everyone on this site has a very good day, and is able to do, be, and feel as good as they can.

[nikon]

Originally Posted by sky457

Depressed and don’t feel worthwhile anymore

I'm sorry
you are a worthwhile person, even if you can't believe it right now

[regretful]

Much like yesterday; feeling trapped, loaded with despair (enough for several people)...Seeing that there are a lot of folks on here wishing others to have a great day is uplifting, and I hope to carry that through more than a few minutes today.