[Lakeesha]

Originally Posted by Bjørnen

Struggling a bit in the way I used to, before I found the right medication. It's definitely not as bad as it could be, but I feel let down a little. Even two weeks ago, when I went through a phase of grumpy depression, I still got things done, still stayed out of my bed for the day, still managed life with some degree of efficiency. Today I overslept, nearly missed my Skype meeting, and can tell it's going to take a whole lot to motivate me.

I also have my weekly dinner that I make for friends tonight. I think I can do it, and maybe even forget my troubles for a few hours, but I don't feel like doing anything.

I'm sorry for you feeling like this. Same boat here. Hope that the dinner with your friends will be good for you and that you'll enjoy it.

[Lakeesha]

I'm kinda okay. Not like hooray! Yippieh, but I also stopped crying all the time, so it's progress. "okay" fits kinda.

[Deilla]

I'm feeling okay today. A little more upbeat than usual. I've been busy. It's noon and I'm ready to relax. I may meditate with a heating pad on my lower back. Do like a healing meditation with light. It's microwave food and art therapy for the rest of the day.

It was busy at work today but it didn't seem like a nice day emotionally. The maintenance man at work came in to talk to me early this morning. Suddenly he comes on as a real take charge kind of guy and is bossy. I really don't care for that. Plus he had been telling me that I'm doing things wrong. I wonder what's up with him? Also today I got bombarded with a lot of weird questions.

I went to the pot luck today. It was alright. I had been to better ones in the past. The food was not as good as I had expected to be. But at least I saved on lunch today.

Feeling tired as I got home. I hope that tomorrow will be a better day than today.

Got through my shift, that was the biggest goal of my day. Now I feel very tired, but I have to get up earlier tomorrow for a registration session for an anxiety group I'm joining. Not looking forward to it, but I hope the group helps. Hugs to everyone struggling today.

[mulan]

Boring day, did close to nothing. Went on my home search, there's little to be found. If it was needed to call a number I would ask my sister to do that, it makes me anxious.
Running from responsabilities and from life in general. I will go on some vacations abroad (with my sister in two weeks), and I am supposely in charge on planning them. Don't put me in charge, searching is ok, but organizing and having to choose among diferent activities is hard. Where to eat, what to visit, is it worth it? How does it come cheaper?
And while my sister was out on a social gathering I was half awake at home pretending the world didn't exist (I could win a prize for that, I am really good at pretending that life isn't real, so good that I believe it unconsciently most of the time).

In the evening a show I wanted to see was not on because of a football game. So that seemed to have topped off a lousy day for me. I think it's so stupid to have a Thursday Night football game, especially when it cancels out a show that I want to see. Even the football players say that the NFL should do away with Thursday Night games. I agree.

Well, at least the pool area was nice. I went down there tonight an hour earlier than usual because of the game.

Originally Posted by mulan

One thing I hate, and I hate it a lot (I know I use superlatives too much, don't know why, mainly writing) is that other people have things going on in their lives and I don't.
It makes me feel ashamed rather than inferior. Ashamed they discover there's nothing that I like, that there is nothing I know about, that I have no hobbies... I don't want others to see how uninteresting I am, how devoid of a personality I am.
It is something everybody is supose to have, right? Something that makes them unique. Just don't notice I am weird and a no goal person.
I don't know music or movies or much about history or politics... I try, sometimes... There's much in theory I would like to know, in fact too much. I acknowledge I can't know the world so fast... but not even slowly. I don't know, I look at my father and he knows so much about many things. He doesn't have superior studies but he was so curious when he was young, he read so much...and I have spent toons of my time studying and don't even know that very well.
He was the young man I wish I was: curious, in search, sociable, adventurous, cult... I am so uninformed...

You have expresed your thoughts so well

[Albatross2008]

Starting to feel less virusy now, but I'm wrung out.

[Deilla]

I'm a little frustrated this morning. Seems like I'm always doing the same things over and over and they're just a waste of time. If I were healthier and could cope better, it would be different. I need a change.

[nikon]

sending strength to everyone

i've had a quiet day. feel really drained and hopeless. i slept this morning for an hour or so and this afternoon for a couple of hours, because it is better than sitting around thinking destructively. it feels really **** when i reach out to people (in my offline life) and they don't reply to messages etc, or i know that other people who i would want to reach out to have specific "policies" about staying away from people who are struggling in order to keep themselves mentally well. when this happens i feel like withdrawing completely, and often i want to get on my motorbike and leave town and just carry on driving until i can't drive any more, and get lost, and then disappear. i've got college work for monday but i can't see that i'll get it done. like i just want to sleep or something else.

[Kote]

With the exception of Monday, I've had a particularly good week. A friend recommended a center in my area that provides low cost therapy & I think her just pointing me in the right direction helped a ton. Knowing that I'll be getting off work early today helps too. But today I feel really tired. I haven't slept well at all in the past couple of months, and today was the first time that I actually slept until my alarm went off. It was jarring, and I'm exhausted, but I'll take it. Strength to all who needed it today.

[regretful]

Hanging on as well as I can; but I'm feeling trapped and hopeless. I know that it's just depression - it just hurts.

[Albatross2008]

I can't believe I'm still running a fever and feeling like crap. It's not as bad as it was, but it's not good yet.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Love to everyone, especially those having a tough day. Hope each hour gets a little easier.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Originally Posted by nikon

sending strength to everyone

i've had a quiet day. feel really drained and hopeless. i slept this morning for an hour or so and this afternoon for a couple of hours, because it is better than sitting around thinking destructively. it feels really **** when i reach out to people (in my offline life) and they don't reply to messages etc, or i know that other people who i would want to reach out to have specific "policies" about staying away from people who are struggling in order to keep themselves mentally well. when this happens i feel like withdrawing completely, and often i want to get on my motorbike and leave town and just carry on driving until i can't drive any more, and get lost, and then disappear. i've got college work for monday but i can't see that i'll get it done. like i just want to sleep or something else.

I'd find that hurtful, too

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Originally Posted by regretful

Hanging on as well as I can; but I'm feeling trapped and hopeless. I know that it's just depression - it just hurts.

Are you OK, R? 'Hopeless'?

[Angelique67]

I didn't get my morning meds until about 1:30pm. I had to ask for them. So, since taking them, I don't feel any different at all. Not even very sleepy. But I feel very depressed.

A nurse woke me up to take blood early this morning and it took her forever to find a vein. Oh how I hate needles and tubes and vials of blood. So horrifying. It blows me away that we exist. It's bizarre and miraculous. Why should any of us have to suffer? Does anyone here use pot at all? In high school we were everyday stoners and I never had an anxiety attack (except for stuff that happened when I was a baby), and it made me love life. I wish it still had that effect.

Really anxious. There should be no fear.

I'm filled with disgust at myself... I'm afraid of committing, and of being trusted. When the only way I should be is overcommitted. I shouldn't be afraid of working. What other reason do I have to live? I've been turned away from society, I am completely alone... I should cash into that.

I don't know how far is too far, or if I haven't done anything at all.

I'm also disgusted at those who are ultra conservative and don't understand that people are art and should express themselves... (not about anyone on PC)

It seems like the grumpy maintenance man is at it again. He acts like a boss and he's not any kind of supervisor. I don't know what's gotten into him. It got to the point that I practically snarled back at him. I regretted that I didn't snarl back enough. I hope he will get over it. Maybe he'll retire or get a heart attack (I don't think that I could be that lucky!).

Another thing that happened at work that was a disappointment was that there was a phone and visual teaching on how to a Work Order. For some strange reason on my computer I got the visual part but got music instead of hearing the instructor's voice. Also I had a question, but was not able to do it. Weird.

The end of the day got better. I never thought I'd see the day when I feel like I don't want to be at my job. I had always loved it until now.

The moon is at the New Moon phase. It's like a full moon, except that it's more intense. Perhaps that's the problem.

I'm having an eureka moment. I'm slowly getting there. I know that I shouldn't be treated this way. I wish I couldn't care and not worry about losing this person. I already have so why should I care anymore? What was typed in that article, nearly gave me a light bulb moment. I will get there soon. Life is saying "enjoy your life, don't worry who's texting you, stop thinking of this person, he's not that special".

[nikon]

hope everyone is having a good day - or at least a tolerable day

the best i can do at the moment is not act out in any destructive way, which i haven't. i'm having moments where i realise how bad things are. i think i'm having quite paranoid thoughts, but at least i can see that they are paranoid, even if they still feel true. i walk dogs and every time cars come past i feel like it's the owners keeping check that i'm treating the dogs right. yesterday i slept a lot and ended up sleeping on the floor to feel safer because i kept thinking my housemate/landlord was coming to catch me out and ask why i'm sleeping during the day. when i'm driving i feel like people are deliberately trying to stress me out or endanger me or take revenge on me for the way i drive, and end up constantly enraged while i'm driving. i can see that this isn't all logical and there are other possible reasons for the way people drive etc. i used to like driving and drove in order to calm down and free my mind for a bit. there's this thing in my head: i am responsible for my recovery from depression and all associated things, which is true. but it brings with it the feeling like relapsing into it is a personal failing because i'm not doing the right things. i start hating everyone because i think of them telling me this.

i usually go to a mini support group with just me a couple of friends on a sunday but i don't want to go tomorrow because i suspect i'll just get told off or told a whole lot of advice about what i should be doing. the best i can do right now is exist without self-destruction

[Deilla]

I'm a bit stressed that I got pulled into some family drama. I'm trying to protect myself and get out of it. I have to take care of me. I only have strength and energy for me and my cat. Besides, when I needed something, no one was there for me. But that's not a good attitude I know.

[Albatross2008]

May I remember that my value is in who I am, not in what I do.

[katydid777]

Today is the day. My Son, and his Girlfriend will be here in the next hour. I am anxious, stresses. apprehensive, ect. We were able to get everything done that we needed to get done. Yesterday my Primary Dr. called and told me that I would have to go to a infusion place to get the medication for my bones, and I will have to do this twice a year. It almost seems like I will be getting chemo, but only a different medication. My apt. isn't until after my Son leaves, so I won't say anything about it. To you all, I am very nervous, and apprehensive about it. I hope that it will work for me, because I already have two broken bones that won't heal. On my left foot, the toe next to my big toe is broken, and my big toe on my right foot is also broken. Neither hurt any more, but they are still broken, so I hope this medication works before I end up breaking a major bone. I hope you all have a good day, and everything goes the way you want it to.