Feeling so depressed and afraid

Just feeling like it isn't worth it anymore, no more fighting, no more trying....just want to not feel anymore....this is such a bad day.......and nobody to talk to, nobody wants to listen!

((((((((confused4ever))))))))))

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Please don't think no one will listen, you have us here at pc who care very much. It's awful when you feel so down, but it will pass and I know this from experience. Look after you, keep posting here and never give up hope. There is always a happy ending and light at the end of the tunnel, sometimes it's hard work but you will get there my friend. Don't be afraid, Holding your hand sweetie.

Love, Jinny xoxoxoxoxo

(((((((((((((((( confused ))))))))))))))))

If I could feel one thing,
it would be to be free,
free of the pain, and
the memories.

I sat today, and I wondered
how it would be to die,
would it hurt, or would I finally
be free.

I have spent so many
days feeling as if I don't matter,
that it would be easier for
everyone else if I weren't
here, to see the pain in
my eyes!

I sat today and felt
like I was the only one
who knew the pain I
am feeling. In a room full
of people and yet still alone.

Church today talked about
good christians, and not
believing in abortions, so
what will happen to my soul
the day I feel no more pain!
I must be a bad christian, because
of that baby that never saw a day!

This battle is hard, I am tired
of trying, I look at my kids, and
know that is the only thing,
that keeps me here, what will
happen when that no longer helps!

If I could change one thing,
it would be for me to be stronger,
I want to feel the words not just
hear the words, that
it won't last forever!

I feel so small, and so alone,
life is hard, and it doesn't
seem to get easier, I fell into
a pit, that seems to trick me,
I find the way up, and then
seem to slip!

Cutting helps, it lets me see,
I feel the pain, and can fix that
which I see. The pain inside, is
there but won't heal. It is a
open wound, that never closes!

I sat today, staring at a tree,
wondering how it would feel
to feel no more pain!

I keep saying one more day,
tomorrow will be better. Then I
have days like today, that break
me down again.

Depression sucks, it isn't any
fun, just a black veil hanging
over my head,
childhood sucks, when your
used and not loved! My body
was theirs, and they took more
then that from me!

My dad was a monster, he knew
what to say, but still he was my
father, and not doing was wrong.
If he knew how much it hurt,
would he of stopped and asked,
for forgivness from me, or would
he of just stayed, and continued
to use his daughter that way!

My brother was wrong, he played
his games. I was the one who
he choose to use. He said, things
wouldn't be bad, that what we
did was ok! I knew that it
wasn't, but thought that my
life was mean't just for this,
nobody cares about this little
girl inside, nobody ever cared
if she was scared or afraid,
or hurt or raped!

I still let him hurt me,
I still let him use me,
I still feel like I don't matter,
to anyone ever!

Some day I may heal,
some day I will feel that,
my life is worth living,
and that it isn't for using.
But today I just sat, and
wondered how it would be
to feel no more pain!!

I don't want to feel this anymore........church triggered me so bad today........now I can't or don't care about anything.....I tried my T, tried the on call T who tried to call my T and nobody can find him.......feeling like nobody cares, why should I......

You express yourself so beautifully, so poetically. Always choose life. You must choose life.

confused(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

I know how that little girl inside you feels, I know how you feel. Please believe me when I say I have stayed only for my children, when even that got too much I tried to take my own life. Only then did I see how I would be missed, how my children would suffer, my family.

Our abusers are the ones who SHOULD be suffering, not us. we were not to blame. Life is so short, I really want to heal and not let them ruin the rest of my life.

You will get better, You will be at the point where you will no longer feel that pain, trust me, I am not better by far, but boy I'm trying and I'm much more positive. there are down days, but they are getting fewer and more far between - and so will yours, and you will be here where I am and telling others the same,

gentle hugs, Jinny xoxoxoxoxoxo

Sometimes I don't feel that the days will ever get better. I am tired of not being me, I don't even know who I am anymore, I hid so much for so long, that was a lie the life I lived then, now it is out, and I still have no clue who I really am!! I yell at my kids, and I hate seeing the looks in their faces.......I hate me! I don't want to hurt them, I just want to stop feeling like my insides are being ripped apart, and there isn't a bandaid big enough to fix them!!!! Everyday is a struggle, I keep hearing that it will ease, some days it does ease up, and then days like today when it just hits, and I say I can't do this again.........

I understand how difficult it is for you. I keep telling my pdoc and T that I just want to be the me I use to be.

The never ending pain goes on and on. My son would say "is it worse or worser". Well that is how I feel now. There aren't any good days only worse and worser.

Living is such and effort. No smiles, only tears. What are we suppose to do? When will all the pain and emptiness end?

My heart goes out to you. I have no answers but I'm willing to listen.