Depressed over parenthood indecision

Hey, everyone---I have suffered from recurrent bouts of depression and anxiety since I was a teenager, and I also have social anxiety disorder. I also have PMDD(premenstrual dysphoric disorder), so once a month, my depression and anxiety become extreme. Anyway, I'm engaged, recently turned 36, and my biological clock may have just started ticking. I always thought I wanted to have one child, but now I'm scared. All of my life, my mother told me that when I have a child, my life will be over and I won't matter anymore(my mom has a history of being verbally abusive with me, so it's no surprise to me that motherhood didn't make her happy). Since I've heard that from the time I was a child, I've always felt this need to achieve all of my dreams and do everything that makes me happy before my "life ends." From what I've heard and read on the Internet, I'll never do any of the following again if I have a child: shower on a regular basis, go to the bathroom by myself, have a social life, have a good marriage, have a successful career, have time to myself(I'm an introvert so this is scary), read, have any hobbies, etc. The scariest of all is the sleep deprivation. As I have PMDD, I'm already at a higher risk of postpartum depression, and I'm terrified of how sleep deprivation may affect my mental health. I want to cry when I hear parents talk about going four nights or more without sleeping as if it's an annoyance and no big deal. For me, those four nights could be the difference between me being healthy or going into a psychiatric ward. I'm also scared of the constant judgment mothers seem to face to no matter what choices they make. Despite all this, there is still a part of me that wants to have a child. Can anyone relate to my feelings? If you have children, how did you manage the sleep deprivation on top of having a mental illness? How did you manage postpartum depression? Those are my biggest fears of all. I'm afraid that no matter what I choose, I'm going to end up unhappy.

My entire life, I've been terrified to have a child and it wasn't until recently I sort of wanted to a little later, I'm only 24 but I have this feeling that I've had since I was young that I couldn't have a child. So I told myself I never wanted one, I guess to make myself feel better about it? It's unlikely for me and it's rough but although I can see it changing your life, it doesn't always have to be negatively. You may lose sleep for a while, you may have to work around some of the things but from what I've seen and heard from friends and my brother who has kids, you can still lead a normal life. If you're engaged, you have a team member and they will help with some of the pressures and things you have to do. I'm sorry to hear your mother was emotionally abusive. I've also heard that a child will change your life, but in the most incredible way.

Only you know if you want to make that call and only you know if you're willing to take that chance and bring a part of yourself into this world. I hope things look up for you. <3

My feelings about parenthood are all screwed up. I really, really want a child, but I struggle to not feel doomed that it will never happen. Even though I tell myself there is nothing in Christianity or logical chance that makes it rational for me to know that, I can't convince myself. I then start thinking, sometimes trying to make myself feel "better", that I'm so messed up in the head that it's probably best if I don't have a child. Then I worry about the end of the world and just how bad everything is the world now that I go back and forth between thinking it's a mercy I don't have a child and being resentful that I was born into this time and can't live a "normal life." I told the lady who screened me at PORT a briefer version of this, and she just stared at me. I don't know what that meant.

That's my issue. As for yours, if anyone can value my opinion at this point, it's pretty much guaranteed that having a child is going to change your life and be an unimaginable new responsibility. Some of that is wonderful and some is harrowing. Having a growing, living being you love around brings its own rewards with it, as well as its trials. It can give us purpose and make us feel alive like nothing else, as well as at other times drain us and try us and make us worry and feel like our lives are only about them.

There is no guarantee that having a child will ruin your relationship; there is a lot of advice as well as happy stories out there involving having a strong, happy marriage and children. The ridiculous schedule is only a short-lived thing when the children are very little, getting better as they get older. With a helpful partner and maybe even help from others, you might manage that schedule and your mental health for that short time. There is also advice and happy stories about meeting your own needs, having a social life and career and mental health space, as well as being a parent.

It sounds like maybe you are suffering from not being able to shake this overwhelming "truth" your mother taught you and having, like me, a doomed or overly-worrying mind. I wish I knew what to do about that.

The truth is, some people don't like being a parent, and it is more chore than joy, but many people also feel it is the best thing that ever happened to them despite its challenges. Examining your feelings and what you want from having a child might help you guess which way you'll feel, as well as remembering that so much of the things you are afraid of people have advice for avoiding.

I don't have any kids, so I don't have any experience with parenthood. But I did notice something in your post that I wanted to mention in case it helps at all.

It sounds to me like you're trying to pick the lesser of two bad options, which is hard to do and never feels good no matter how long you think about it and which option you pick.

Sad questions don't have happy answers.

It's kind of the idea of thinking about how to "not lose" versus thinking about how to "win."

So maybe ask a different question instead. Maybe ask, "What if I can have whatever I want out of life? If I could author the coolest most fulfilling happiest winning story of a life for myself, what would I write?"

Find all the beauty and excitement and joy in a life where you have a child.

And then find all the beauty and excitement and joy in a life where you and your husband (congrats on that engagement =) opt out of parenthood.

Really really think about it. Flesh it out in your mind.

These scenarios are just as a valid as the scary ones where everything goes wrong no matter what you choose. So err on the side of good instead of bad.

When you do, you'll be picking between two beautiful joyful exciting options. And it might still be a difficult decision, but it's going to feel a lot different. It will be difficult for a better reason.

Take losing off the table. You don't have to accept losing as an option. And forget about everyone else, and forget about the world. The great majority of our experience of life is based on what we are thinking in our own mind. If you want a kid, and a happy marriage, and to be rested and happy and healthy, then create it and take it. Settle for absolutely nothing less.