[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

And then there was nobody..

Nobody to talk to
Nobody to care
Nobody to help

Too bad "Nobody" can't just be a name of a person

Instead ... Its just me ... alone ...with nobody

Maybe I'm nobody too

[captaineo]

You are not alone crypts, I have to go for a walk when I feel like this, and then think of a happy moment in my life.

[captaineo]

And also listen to Music whatever it may be you like and eat what you like.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

It's 10:30 at night n even during the day there is nowhere to walk which is why I rarely get exercise now.

The last true happy time in my life was when I was very young n tho those memories bring happy thoughts they are bittersweet bc everything changed so drastically for the worse after mom died - n she is part of those memories.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by captaineo

And also listen to Music whatever it may be you like and eat what you like.

Those would be good suggestions - if not for me getting yelled at doing those things

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

I do thank you for trying.
I am not trying to be argumentative.
I'm just - hopeless - in more ways than one.

[pegasus]

Hugs Crypts. I dont know what to say other than I've felt like that. I've felt like I'm a nobody. You said somewhere on here that you are in an abusive relationship, did I read that right? Can you get away? Leave? You deserve happiness, you really do.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by pegasus

Hugs Crypts. I dont know what to say other than I've felt like that. I've felt like I'm a nobody. You said somewhere on here that you are in an abusive relationship, did I read that right? Can you get away? Leave? You deserve happiness, you really do.

Yea you read that right .. He says he realizes he is being emotionally abusive and trying to calm it down. It sucks yes - but its not as bad as it could be (trust me I know) so I am trying to give him a chance. Thank you for saying I don't deserve it.

[captaineo]

A lot of hugs to you and blessings Crypt. Keep strong.

[Fuzzybear]

I’m sending gentle hugs (((((( Crypts ))))))
You’re not “nobody” to me

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

Yea you read that right .. He says he realizes he is being emotionally abusive and trying to calm it down. It sucks yes - but its not as bad as it could be (trust me I know) so I am trying to give him a chance. Thank you for saying I don't deserve it.

PS this seems positive to me... as most abusers refuse to own their abuse

You don’t deserve abuse, neither does anyone

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

PS this seems positive to me... as most abusers refuse to own their abuse

You don’t deserve abuse, neither does anyone

It seems positive to me too which is why I am giving him the chance - but I am also concerned it could just be a way of "calming me" ... Part of the abuse cycle. Abuse - blame - abuse - apologize - soothe (put in very simplistic terms) is pretty well how it works by the abuser.

Explaining it better ..

Honeymoon stage: everything is great, this is what you have always dreamt of, nothing can come between the two of you

Escalation phase: Small things you do that never bothered the abuser, bother him or her now - you try to change but then there's always something else. You can never do anything right anymore without upsetting. Never say anything right. Everything is always your fault. The abuse isn't bad though, so you keep thinking "I can fix this - it can go back to how it used to be."

Explosive stage: The abuse is all the time now and its full throttle. By now your friends and family have been isolated from you and you have become financially dependant upon your abuser. You feel trapped. Your abuser has also threatened you - either by bodily harm to you or your loved ones or even themselves - or something you may fear worse. Your abuser places blame on you for making him or her act this way. You are scared to leave, feel guilt, shame, and trapped.

Reconciliation stage: Suddenly your abuser starts apologizing to you. Promising you things will go back like they used to be. Lavishing you with gifts and attention. You feel like royalty.

Rinse n repeat cycle.

So yea - there is a bit of confusion over if I should be concerned or proud of him.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

You seem like very much a somebody.

[CepheidVariable]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

Part of the abuse cycle. Abuse - blame - abuse - apologize - soothe

Rinse n repeat cycle.

So yea - there is a bit of confusion over if I should be concerned or proud of him.

I'm familiar with this (not personally, not on that level). It sounds like the worst part is that deciding which way it's going is pretty much a judgement call. And an overwhelming one at that.

I have no real relationship advice to offer. I have avoidant personality disorder (which is a completely different kind of train wreck). However, I did have some relatives that caused me terrible anguish in my youth. It took me a long time to make that call. I do sympathize with the struggle.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by CepheidVariable

I'm familiar with this (not personally, not on that level). It sounds like the worst part is that deciding which way it's going is pretty much a judgement call. And an overwhelming one at that.

I have no real relationship advice to offer. I have avoidant personality disorder (which is a completely different kind of train wreck). However, I did have some relatives that caused me terrible anguish in my youth. It took me a long time to make that call. I do sympathize with the struggle.

You are right - the "judgement call" is the worst part bc if I make the wrong one I will be really hard on myself n I know it.

[pegasus]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

. It sucks yes - but its not as bad as it could be (trust me I know) so I am trying to give him a chance.

Making excuses for him. Giving him another chance. And you've explained the abuse cycle very well. It's killing your mental health to the point that you don't care how you die, you just want death.

You are a strong lady, I can see that. Time for you to get help and support to leave this environment which is seriously detrimental to your health. Next time there is a problem, call the police, get help. Please!

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

I know from past experience the laws on it. Unless there is proof that harm is being done, no charges can be filed and the police cannot do anything. Neither audio nor video recordings are acceptable as evidence because they can easily be thrown out in court. A therapists word is only partially acceptable because they are limited on what they are legally allowed to say. Anything friends or neighbors "hear" can easily be disputed as either hearsay or simply unsubstantiated. So it is very difficult to get charges on minimal emotional abuse - even removal (via shelter) for minimal abuse is hard which is why abusers often get away with it as long as they keep it minimal.

I truly do think he is trying though and I am not making excuses for him. What he is doing is wrong. He knows it and so do I. He has been doing very well for 3yrs though which is what makes me think perhaps it really could be the stress causing him to have flashbacks into everything again ... his childhood, his old ways if coping, my old behaviors, etc. Both of us need counseling and neither have it. He has been opening communication with me the past two days so maybe it really will get better. We'll see.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

By the way - when I said "trust me I know" - its cuz I left him once before for abusing me much worse. I returned bc the DV shelter I was at forced me out. Neither he nor I were happy with the situation but we made the best of a bad situation - for 3yrs, wound up getting remarried this past June 12.. been having issues since around the time my Aussie Shep died.

[pegasus]

If I lived anywhere near you I'd be round yours, packing your bags for you! You deserve the best. Nevertheless, it's your decision. Be safe. Keep sharing with us too. Depression for many of us is a lifelong thing.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Depression has been a part of me since I was 12. I have learned how to have joy though. Joy is different than happiness. Right now though, my joy is gone too. That will remain true til I figure out what is true in my relationship.

[CepheidVariable]

I didn't know you had previously been in a shelter because of the same person.

pegasus is rightly concerned if this is what has driven you to your current thoughts. I have to ask. What would you ask and advise of someone else on these forums who had presented what you have? Truly. Objectively. (That's not a loaded question. And I don't expect you to answer me.)

I don't want to push too hard, but we are very concerned about your plight and we do care. You know I have a lot of respect for you and your insight. But even the most wonderful person in the world might be horribly wrong for you.

I'm sorry. I'm out of my depth here. But no one deserves to live like this, and I hope you find some way. It is your life and your decision.

We are here for you regardless.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

To answer your question - check my recent responses to Rose. I consider her situation similar to my own.

I understand that the person in the situation knows both themselves and the situation best. To tell an abused person to go against their own morals is to further abuse them. The only thing they have left is their sense of morals - and some of those have already been damaged, so if you trample on more you further the belief of "no, you do not control your life - others know what is better for you - you are only to follow what others say"

Now - I say that knowing you also must balance what they say on a scale of sorts to determine if it is their own moral values - or the effects of the abuse keeping them where they are.

Sometimes that can be tricky to determine - but it can generally be discerned in how they speak of their own beliefs vs their abusers beliefs. Are there differences? What are they? Is the victim willing to admit he or she is being abused? Is the victim identifying anything he or she is actively doing or is it she just being idle and scared? This is how you can tell the difference.

I have outlined differences between he and I.
I have freely admitted both of us know he is abusing me (I even pointed it out to him).
I have been having open conversations with him attempting to resolve this.

Me returning to him originally was not by choice ... it was something that was forced upon us both. We made a bad situation work then (just 2mo after I moved out from a very bad abusive situation with him), I believe we can do it now.

[WishIWereAStone]

I'm sorry I wasn't around Friday night when you posted this originally, I feel bad that you felt so alone, you were in my thoughts and prayers a lot over the weekend, so you are not a nobody by any means.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by WishIWereAStone

I'm sorry I wasn't around Friday night when you posted this originally, I feel bad that you felt so alone, you were in my thoughts and prayers a lot over the weekend, so you are not a nobody by any means.

Don't feel bad - you can't be here all the time ❤
Thank you for thinking of n praying for me ❤

[CepheidVariable]

Thanks for your response. I kept thinking about this over the last day. Looking over the conversation again now, I want to clarify that when I said "That's not a loaded question.", I meant I wasn't presuming there to be a correct answer. And that you only should only feel like answering here if it helps you sort through things.

As usual, you gave a considered response -- which I did appreciate and understand. I may still worry a little. Sorry about that, it's not very productive I know. I don't mean to push advice on you. And the last thing I want to do is make you feel misunderstood and isolated.

I'm sure you know all this, because I've said it (and similar) before. But I don't think it hurts to say it again, along with the fact that you do mean something to a lot of people here, including me.

Take care.