* Home has limited my growth, so I get sicker the more I'm at home.
* I sometimes get suicidal thoughts when I think about university ex(trying) crush and some "douche" in university who's good at studying and teaching others, yet is snide and puts me down. My ex crush adores him for his genius, but regardless she has a date outside university.
* I hardly have any friends left
* My ex therapist said "there's allot to work on", further putting me down. He said "it's because it's hard for me to deal with the 'truth'".

From all this I see one thing - I lost the competition of life. And for that, I

Possible trigger:

consider suicide

.

(((Hugs)))

I don't believe life is a competition. If it were then how many of us would be deemed as winners? I believe it is a journey, and sometimes we have difficulties, but we can grow through experiences.

You may not feel it now, but you are at an early part of your journey, there is a lot that can and will change as you travel through life.

Stay safe.

[All Is Revealed]

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

(((Hugs)))

I don't believe life is a competition. If it were then how many of us would be deemed as winners?

Stay safe.

I will never see life as a competition, neither. I wasn't born so I could be a guinea pig and be tested. I would rather be a loser than a winner.

I've met so many winners and they're so miserable. Many of them feel the stress at trying to be the best. When they're not the best they feel like trash. Losers don't have to live at a high standard like winners do.

What's the difference between a winner and a loser? A winner has to satisfy everyone, whereas a loser like me only has to satisfy ME. I'm happy where I'm at.

Thanks for the support.
The thing is I have a competitive part inside me. But it's a rather competitive part unfulfilled, which leaves me depressed.
It's about autonomy, and the ability to be determined, focused and sharp.
Things like my recent ex-crush seem to drag and drain me down.

[All Is Revealed]

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

Thanks for the support.
The thing is I have a competitive part inside me. But it's a rather competitive part unfulfilled, which leaves me depressed.
It's about autonomy, and the ability to be determined, focused and sharp.
Things like my recent ex-crush seem to drag and drain me down.

The competitiveness part is understandable. It takes time, patience, and risk to find an activity you will excel at. Once you do, you will be proud of yourself, and say, "Damn I'm that good."

I could only imagine how terrible you feel about your ex-crush. The entire love/dating/crush dimension is a competition, too. You may not have "won" your ex-crush. But it doesn't mean you've lost your ability to "win" at many things to come.

Oh, she's not dating that guy (thankfully). She's dating someone outside university. Although I have to say, I have a problem with that kind of competition. There was this one guy who competed on getting her attention from me and it devastated me. Though after some time, it turns out he already has a girlfriend, so nothing to feel bad about, I guess.

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

Oh, she's not dating that guy (thankfully). She's dating someone outside university. Although I have to say, I have a problem with that kind of competition. There was this one guy who competed on getting her attention from me and it devastated me. Though after some time, it turns out he already has a girlfriend, so nothing to feel bad about, I guess.

No nothing to feel bad about.

Women (or people in general) do not always fall for the man who grabs attention, attraction is way more complex than that. That said sometimes crushes are just that, and not meant to be anything more.

It's nothing to feel bad about and no judgement on you.

What do you mean by no judgement?

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

What do you mean by no judgement?

I meant if your crush did not feel the same way about you it does not mean you are lacking in anyway, as attraction is a complex thing.

[MuseumGhost]

VO......

I remember all too well the kind of situation you're in. Uni (what we called College) does feel like one big long competition, I remember it well.

I am certain it was in College that I hammered out a new sort of platform for myself. I had to stop caring what "everyone else" thought, and forge on ahead with my own priorities, because I was working and putting myself through school---and what passed for "normal" then was for most students to behave in ways I never would have dreamed of, even in my most hedonistic fantasies.

You may very well be operating on a different plane than your peers. Try and focus on the opportunities that are right there in front of you. It only comes along once in life (no matter what people say about going back to college when you're older...), and because of our physiology, one never really has the kind of energy or brain power you now enjoy at your age, ever again. Seize this time back for yourself.

Love, attraction---they follow such arbitrary lines. It will come! Believe me, it will come.
Please don't dwell on people who are not worthy of you, who do not see your character and smarts.

A good thing to do might be to make a list of what you'd like to achieve before your secondary education is finished. Please include a short list of your strengths, and how they will help you get there! (And then make a list of where you want to be, say, 3, 5, 10 years from now.) This will help ground you, and help keep you focused on what your priorities should be.

Your therapist has perhaps used some unfortunate words. But you must be smart enough to work around them. I'm certain they never meant to wound you or harm you. They were perhaps badly-timed, but their job really is to help you.

Many hugs, and a confidence-building smile for you.

[Turtle_Rider]

I understand. We have almost same problems, except therapist and ex parts.

I have competition spirit too, and I'm still struggling with it. Somebody told me to just go with the flow. I did not understand at first, but now I do:

Just go with the flow, forget about competition. Life is something unpredictable. I remember I lost so many opportunities just to get the better ones later. Losing does not mean lose. Maybe, you're directed to something better, something that you could not achieve if you get the lost ones. But, don't just sit down. It won't come to you. You're the one who must walk to get there.

Anyway thanks, because honestly I almost forget this lesson.

Originally Posted by MuseumGhost

VO......

I remember all too well the kind of situation you're in. Uni (what we called College) does feel like one big long competition, I remember it well.

I am certain it was in College that I hammered out a new sort of platform for myself. I had to stop caring what "everyone else" thought, and forge on ahead with my own priorities, because I was working and putting myself through school---and what passed for "normal" then was for most students to behave in ways I never would have dreamed of, even in my most hedonistic fantasies.

You may very well be operating on a different plane than your peers. Try and focus on the opportunities that are right there in front of you. It only comes along once in life (no matter what people say about going back to college when you're older...), and because of our physiology, one never really has the kind of energy or brain power you now enjoy at your age, ever again. Seize this time back for yourself.

Love, attraction---they follow such arbitrary lines. It will come! Believe me, it will come.
Please don't dwell on people who are not worthy of you, who do not see your character and smarts.

A good thing to do might be to make a list of what you'd like to achieve before your secondary education is finished. Please include a short list of your strengths, and how they will help you get there! (And then make a list of where you want to be, say, 3, 5, 10 years from now.) This will help ground you, and help keep you focused on what your priorities should be.

Your therapist has perhaps used some unfortunate words. But you must be smart enough to work around them. I'm certain they never meant to wound you or harm you. They were perhaps badly-timed, but their job really is to help you.

Many hugs, and a confidence-building smile for you.

This part made me feel dizzily. I see no hope in seeing parts of life as once in a lifetime. I see life as beyond where you are. I really do see it as what there is, such as that crush I had.
I'm depressed because that place is not right for me. I have other reasons to be depressed, such as existential issues, suicidal thoughts. Saying that makes me regret I have those kind of feelings and experiences inside me.