[icreateidestroy]

Hi,

About Me:
-----------
I am 36-year-old male, married for 12 years with a 5 year old boy. I have a Masters degree in Computer Science and now in a technical leadership job that requires a lot of analytical and logical reasoning and thinking.

My problem:
-------------
My problem is I have something that triggers my depression which leads to me being depressed and I go long periods trying to cope with binge eating and drinking alcohol, prolonged periods of watching tv, films or youtube videos to take my mind off my depression.

I gain massive amounts of weight (20 to 25 kilos) and isolate myself from people and social gatherings always finding reasons to skip them.

At some point, I pull myself together, say enough is enough and go to the gym, exercise, get into a strict diet regiment, lose the 20 to 25 kilos, start dressing up better, socialising better and this transformational phase is great. My mood is always high, I am enjoying life,people enjoy my company.

Then something happens, a trigger, and slowly I fall out of my workout and strict eating routine and then I gain the 20 to 25 kilos back on again.

So I would go from 6 months to a year of being depressed, fat and then another 6 to 8 months transforming back and then trigger and being depressed again for another 1 to 1.5 years.

People who know me well from my younger years, say I am bubbly, happy and the ceter of attention in a group.

People who I have met more recently, depending on which phase I was in, would say I am very quite person or that I am a nice person who engages in conversation.

A bit of background:
-----------------------

Initially I thought my problem was two fold:
1. Weight issues
2. My job.

My weight:
I was a chubby kid growing and had some name calling and fat shaming growing up. But it never bothered me very much until in Uni I took things seriously and lost a lot of weight. I even took up running and did 5K and 10K runs.

My Job:
From my first job onwards I felt I couldn't cope and that I was not competent and that I was in the wrong job, or wrong function within my area of work. I thought this was the trigger for my depression and push me into self-neglect and eating and weight gain. And after I have gained my 20 to 25 kilos, the problem is now two - fold: My weight and work.

Current scenario:
-------------------

I am now in a job which I am aware I have the competence to perform, also pays very well, but I am just not as interested and feel I am not happy doing this job. I feel my interest lies elsewhere perhas in arts, film-making or being associated with film-making.

However, there is something, some trigger which has gotten me onto this downward spiral, where I am in self-neglect, over-eating, watching films and binge youtub'ing.

A typical day in my depressed state, I wake up late, drag myself to work, get through the day, get home and binge eat and drink and watch tv or youtube (shunning all other chores around the home)

Weekends I tend to sleep through the day with no interest in anything, just watching youtube or films.

This runs in loop and I am fed up of this.

This is also not fair on my wife who is having to do everything on her own. I do acknowledge this, and try to help, but I find it incredibly hard doing these chores.

My wife is extremely supportive and is working in a job herself and tells me that I can quit my job and try other things if that will make me happy or even take time off for a year and travel and explore. She is amazing and is doing everything she can, but I can see my depression and lack of engagement is taking it's toll on her and also may have an imapact on the formative growing up years of my little 5 year old.

Medical help:
--------------
I never thought I needed medical help, as I thought I was in control and I was able to shake it off with exercise, diet and more recently I discovered meditation.

However since this vicious cycle has been going on over the last 10 to 12 years, I am now convinced towards there is something that is underlying which triggers the depression and that I should seek medical help.

I am also a little worried, if I seek medical help and they confirm depression and prescribe medication etc, I might get branded and it might work against my career etc.

Questions:
-----------
Should I seek medical help?
Am I really depressed or do I just have bad attitude towards life and am lazy ?
Are there others like me? how did you break out of it?

Thank you for taking the time to read through and any help, thoughts, suggestions and feedback would be much appreciated.

Thanks,
OR

[Winterbritt]

Hi there!

I think you are probably not lazy. Amazing how many people who are really really struggling and really trying and care enough to seek out help that I see ask that question when they first join here.

It's my personal opinion that depression can result from a flawed set of beliefs or unhealthy thought patterns. It's how I healed my own depression and it's what I know and so that's the direction I go when other people ask for advice.

You said that you have a "trigger" that happens that sets you about into depression.

Do you have any theories about what that trigger might be or has been in the past?

[icreateidestroy]

Originally Posted by Winterbritt

Hi there!

I think you are probably not lazy. Amazing how many people who are really really struggling and really trying and care enough to seek out help that I see ask that question when they first join here.

It's my personal opinion that depression can result from a flawed set of beliefs or unhealthy thought patterns. It's how I healed my own depression and it's what I know and so that's the direction I go when other people ask for advice.

You said that you have a "trigger" that happens that sets you about into depression.

Do you have any theories about what that trigger might be or has been in the past?

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond "Winterbritt". I don't know what the trigger is to be honest.

When it first started around 2003/2004 in my first job, I thought it was work and I was sad and I was in the wrong job. One day out of frustration, I walked out and upto my managers room to tell him and quit within 3 months of starting my 1st job and maybe study an MBA or explore other options.

My best mate who was also a colleague at the time convinced me that having invested and spent 6 years completing a bachealors and a masters degree I should give it more time. So I stuck on but remained unhappy.

A year later the department shut down, so everyone found other jobs and so did I and moved to a different city, which was nice for the first few weeks / months, but turned out to be a bigger disaster for me work-wise, but I saw people around going about life as normal and thought I should learn to adjust, but I became withdrawn and remained depressed and this was when I started the cycle of gaining a lot of weight.

By this time I was also married to my girlfriend and we started our lives in a new city and going by the societal pressure and pressure from family, I bought an apartment like everyone else, bought a car, had a mortgage to pay off etc, had a job title that was sought after by many.

So I was leading this seemingly normal, but extremely unhappy life where I felt I was stuck.

I tried to tell myself it was only work that made me unhappy, I will just do it as a job and continue to do things that made me happy, but this wasn't the case, I was sad all the time.

So I took up theatre and even auditioned and performed in a play and enjoyed it and the company of people, but when it was over I came back to my old ways of living, there was no motivation to go initiate things by myself.

I also bought a motor-cycle and joined a riding club and went on rides, long-distance riding exploring the country a little bit, which I enjoyed when I ride, but eventually come back to my depression once back home.

At some point I felt I was doing all this to distract me and take me out of my depression, which I think it all helped, but didn't solve the problem.

Eventually I and my wife moved abroad and I found a job which had a slightly less-desired job title, but was a job that was easier to do than what I was originally tasked to in my previous job. However it came with it's own tight deadlines and stress so I wasn't happy and the cycle just continued.

I find it all extremely strange even writing all this.

I can joke and have funny conversations with colleagues at work or with friends on a phone call or at a work dinner I can laugh and narrate stories and seemingly come across as a perfectly normal person. But when I finish and leave or get home, I feel drained and I feel like a fake person, because my sadness comes back.

Sometimes, I feel I am just used to it and that I am ok and have been living my life like this.

When in this phase, I am procrastinating all the time. There is a lot of important stuff I ignore and put away until, there is a hard-deadline like the law will be involved if I don't do it, is when I actually do it.

For example my tax and insurance for the car, I did it on the very last day. And even though I knew the insurance was an unfair deal and more expensive I made no attempt to call and negotiate with the company as it was too much for me.

Likewise, I have done some work related travel abroad and have still not expensed my travel expenses for travel done even early in March of this year. And it is a significant amount of money spent from my own pocket which is due to come back.

It's not like there is a lot of money and I don't care or I am a lavish spender. It is just that I find it too much of a struggle to keep an eye on money matters or financial matters. I am aware we aren't doing things right or saving enough for the future for eventualities.

At work, I only do the tasks that are dire important and have a hard deadline like it involves a lot of key stake-holders and a big meeting to check if everone have completed their tasks and are we ready to ship the product. I would have made a commitment, so then I get it done, but I procrastinate and while away my time during the work day and spend hours and late-nights at home getting it done (which is a struggle).

My wife thinks, why when I can do some of the things, I am not able to do other things. For example, if I had to take my little one to the doctor I will, I will be engaged and do the necessary things like give him his meds etc.

But when she expects me to engage and help out with house chores over a weekend, I am lying down in bed watching random stuff on youtube.

The reason I do this is so I can take my mind off to a different place, where I won't be bothered with all the unhappiness. I am not even watching stuff that I like to watch, it's all completely random.

Sometimes, I am watching a new film, sometimes it's stuff about depression and other peoples experiences or just completely random stuff or about meditation and spirituality or even porn sometimes. Sometimes I even find it hard watching one video to completion, I am just switching between videos and sleep myself through it, wake up and repeat.

None of it makes me happy.

But all of these things have only made it worse for me and adds to my guilt.

I did meet my local GP once before (perhaps a year ago) and she gave me a form to fill, like a depression test, which I felt was quite extreme.

Reading my answers, she said some people overplay it and some people underplay it and that she was getting the feeling I was underplaying it.

What she asked questions about what I thought was the reason behind it, and I said work-related stress, so she was asking if I could talk to my manager about it and that I am doing all the right things already like exercise and exploring mindfulness and meditation etc. and she said give it 2 to 3 weeks and come back if it didnt' get better.

I did not tell her about the fact that this has been going on for the last 12 years and also did not go back as I didn't feel it would help and thought I could cope and get out of it myself like I have done so many times before and then I just have to maintain it.

In conclusion, no I don't think I know what the trigger is. I think it is work most of the time and it is my weight issues, but I also, to be honest, don't know what direction to take with my work.

If it is work that is causing me stress, should I just quit? What should I do after I quit? My next job if a similar one will definitely keep me unhappy.

Again, I have put in close to 14 years in my current career and I am 37, so making a career change at this point, I am vary about.

One thing is for certain, something has to change, it cannot go on like this.
I have probably been saying this to myself during the course of all these years.

And about my condition, I have NOT come out clean to everyone, only my mom and my best friend know all the details apart from my wife.

It's complex to friends who live near-by because we are in a need to meet them on a regualr basis, and I am fine and engaged during my happy phases and then I am withdrawn and always busy or sick in my sad phases. It confuses them if it is them or what else is wrong, as I am always giving reasons. At the same time, I am not comfortable coming-out clean to them also.

Sorry about the long post. But if I have to be honest, it just helped writing it all down here.

ps: And oh one more thing, it doesn't help that I have parents who fight a lot, a lot of verbal, emotional and more recently a few incidents of physical abuse on my mom by my dad just doesn't help add to the situation. They live in a different country and I am having to call my mom and dad every week and listen to their story which is all way too negative and too draining on me even for me to listen to.

[Winterbritt]

I can relate to a lot of the things that you describe. Looking back over my life, I can tell that I spent a whole lot of time doing things to try to make me feel better. But no matter where I went or what I did, I was still dragging the same sad mind around.

Here's what I think. You've been dealing with this for a really really long time, and you've been trying very hard to resolve it by examining your life and changing things in your environment. But those changes don't provide lasting results because depression isn't a result of your life or your environment. Depression is a result of the belief system that you experience your life according to.

Think of it like this. You have this lens that you hold up in front of you all the time. Everyone does, whether they are depressed or not.

And you look at the world through that lens. The lens is distorted by your thoughts about the world. When you look at your job and you have the thought that your job is unfulfilling, and you make the unconscious decision to accept that as true, it's like you write "unfulfilling" with a marker on that lens.

You're always looking out of that same lens your entire life, so when you turn your head to see another area of your life or look at another job when another job comes along, you still have "unfulfilling" written on your lens. You have to look through the concept of "unfulfilling" at everything else in your world. The world is distorted by the concept of being unfulfilled, because you have to look at the world through your beliefs, and you believe in unfulfillment.

And now that you believe in unfulfillment, you can recognize opportunities for it more easily in your life. So when a potentially unfulfilling situation comes along, you grab your marker and write it again. You give up the chance to see that situation in a different way.

When you're suffering from depression, your mind spits out all kinds of negative nasty thoughts and not so many bright happy ones. If you unconsciously just believe all of those thoughts, you will always write them on your lens. And your life will seem terrible because it's reflecting the state of your negative thoughts. And you will feel terrible, because you'll believe you are living in a terrible life.

The really brilliant really simple answer to the whole problem, is to stop unconsciously just believing all of the things your mind spits out. Stop writing new hurtful ugly things on your lens.

And then start purposely writing new bright kind happy fulfilling things on your lens. So far you have just been letting your mind push you around and tell you what kind of life you get. But you don't have to. Start purposely writing new things that you want out of life on your lens.

And then you can start erasing the nasty stuff from your lens. And you can get a clearer view of what the world really is like. You can start seeing a clearer picture of what's actually happening again, rather than seeing what's happening through the lens of depression.

There can be medical issues that cause your mind to spit out an inordinate number of nasty thoughts, that's definitely possible I think. And medicine helps some people slow that down so they can cope better. But nothing can ever ever force you to believe any of the thoughts your mind spits out.

Once you realize it's optional and you get in the habit of deciding whether or not you're going to choose to believe an ugly thought, it just becomes automatic. It doesn't even take any effort anymore, and it's kind of empowering and fun. And once your mind realizes you aren't going to let it win anymore, it starts cooperating. (Scientists call it neuroplasticity.) You become the boss instead of being bossed by your mind, which is fabulous because your mind is an incredible powerful fun tool for getting what you want, and an awesome toy for having fun with once you harness it.

[icreateidestroy]

Originally Posted by Winterbritt

The really brilliant really simple answer to the whole problem, is to stop unconsciously just believing all of the things your mind spits out. Stop writing new hurtful ugly things on your lens.

And then start purposely writing new bright kind happy fulfilling things on your lens. So far you have just been letting your mind push you around and tell you what kind of life you get. But you don't have to. Start purposely writing new things that you want out of life on your lens.

@Winterbritt - Thank you for this! This actually makes a lot of sense in retrospect.

About a year ago, when I was going through my up-phase and losing weight etc, I signed up for a 'power of positive thinking' and a 'Spiritual meditation' course which helped a great deal.

As a beginner and with the daily practice of sitting in meditation every morning before starting my day, I was able to break the negative pattern and genuinely became more aware of myself, my emotions and the emotions of my peers, friends, and family.

I was able to consciously choose how I wish to react even in stressful difficult situations. With my mother's situation, I was able to detach myself and listen to her without letting her negativity and emotions affect me.

In this phase, it got so good that I enjoyed my work and there was a period a good 6 months where I started waking up at 4:30 to 5:00 AM even without an alarm clock as I would look forward to my meditation session going to sleep the previous night, start my day with meditation, and start picking up on work email from home from 6 AM onwards until 7:45, then drop my wife at work and little one at nursery, and get to work and would blitz through the day, make decisions, get work done without feeling drained, I would go to the gym for a workout in the evening and get back home and log on an continue to pick up on work email up until 11 pm. Then I would lie down, fall asleep immediately, not have any dreams / nightmares and wake up in the morning all energized looking forward to the new day.

And the same pattern would repeat, I would make good use of my weekends, work-out, take my family out, take time off and plan holidays and it was all good.

Also at work, I was working very well with my team (I have a team of 6 people reporting to me), I was genuinely engaging with them, took an interest in their career development and organized team outing to build more bonding and everything was going great.

After a point, I started engaging more in the spiritual meditation and learning more about their philosophy, belief system and teachings (they are a popular spiritual organization). As I learned more, I realized, there were many things which didn't sit well with me. Their fundamental philosophy, prophesy and then later as I got more involved I learned a certain way of life must be practiced, which was encouraged, which involved being vegan and being celibate.

These were recommended to achieve a higher connection and much more enhanced meditative state. I was willing to try these things out as I was totally enjoying the positive impact the meditation had already made to my life, so I became vegan, gave up alcohol completely for nearly over a year and the celibacy I was mixed up with, I knew I couldn't do it as it wouldn't be fair to my wife.

I kept on questioning, how much I should subscribe to, I was never forced and the choice was always left to me as to how much I wish to subscribe to.

So slowly I decided to come back and doing everything in moderation, as it was becoming difficult sitting down together for a family meal, as my family are non-vegetarian and it was confusing my little one as I was eating different to him and mummy and going out to social gatherings and work dinners and meeting my close friends (all of whom enjoy a drink) was becoming challenging.

And slowly I started that, and also fell off my daily meditation practice and then everything returned to its old ways. It is during this period where I am unable to place a finger on what the trigger was?

How could it all just switch over just like that after about nearly 8 months of such a good time?

Although, when I ask my wife, she felt I was living a life of a workaholic and being self-obsessed with my meditation, my work-outs, cooking my own food, and my work late into the night and I still wasn't prioritizing and doing all the things that were important to us as a family. (like financial investing or planning to buy a home and settling down in the country that we now live in, or planning on having a second baby as time is running out and my wife's body clock is ticking).

She felt waking up at 4.30 and starting work at 5:00 am and continuing that into late hours of the day was not normal and people at work were also noticing and asking what's happening? Some indirectly told me, that I really need a life outside work mate.

However, at work, I got recognized for all the hard work I was putting in, got an extra-mile award for getting results. I have also been promoted twice at work during my 4.5-year tenure and have had 2 awards and recognition, just from the work I put in despite all the stress and unhappiness I go through.

Even today, I think it's my past hard-work that is keeping me going and my boss recognizes that I am stressed and is probably noticing the slow down in things getting done, but doesn't ask me any questions.

Thinking about it now, it doesn't feel normal, but to me, I was totally enjoying every bit of it, and it was great, but was it normal or was it the right balance, probably no.

Prior to this instance, there was one phase in 2005 when I had just returned after a 2-month stint abroad, when I was hyper happy for a prolonged period, cracking jokes all the time, super confident in my daily interaction with people and everything I did and my wife (then girlfriend) describes to me as appearing over-confident and over-ambitious which wasn't realistic. After that, the work routine returned, probably boredom set-in and it was a super down trip.

But for these two really high-energy episodes where it all appears a bit hyper, the remaining years have been pretty much docile, small up / transforming periods and small period enjoying the achievement and then followed by a long downward journey.

So in conclusion, I do believe, there is a power to re-constructing my thought pattern with positve thoughts either through meditation or other means.

Do you have any recommendations or techniques to achieve this ?

However, I should also learn to draw a balance and not become a workaholic? where I am not respecting the needs and feelings of the immediate family (wife, child, mom) ?

So now in retrospect and having read some amount of online resources, I was wondering if I was bipolar? or if there was something underlying which is beyond just my thought control? Is there something dormant that triggers something from time to time?

I have no clue. Which is why I want to meet the doctor who can hopefully run some blood tests or scan my brain to find some patterns?

At the same time, I am NOT someone who take meds easily for a headache etc. I must say it's not very often I have a fever or a cold or the flu, I am a healthy person, it's mostly just fatigued with lack of sleep and too much screen time and tiredness, emotional tiredness I feel.

So, I am not convinced I would look forward to taking medicines to help me solve the problem, but I want to hear an opinion from a qualified professional.

Sorry again for a long post, but I do finally feel I am being listened to and talking to someone who understands.

Thank you.

ps: I must admit I have smoked Marijuana a few times and have tried ecstasy (on two occasions) and cocaine ( on countable three occasions) over this 12 year period when partying with the boys. I have even wondered if these have resulted in a lasting impact on my mental health. I don't know, my reading of online resources have both sides of the arguments, some say yes it is possible and others say no, it's not.

I don't know.

[Sunflower123]

Please go with your instincts on this and be evaluated by a professional. I don’t think you have a bad attitude or are being lazy. You seem to be cycling. A professional evaluation could be really beneficial to you going forward.

[Winterbritt]

Ok, so for techniques to try. I tried meditation and I didn't have a lot of luck with it but if it's works for you then by all means, why not! I never really sat in meditation but I did practice a lot of mindfulness in general and I think that will really help you figure out what your thought patterns are.

So to add good things to the lens:
For me, I started purposely noticing what I wanted to see in the world. I chose the topics of gratitude, beauty, humor, self-esteem and excitement. And I kept a journal every night where I forced myself to write a few things I was grateful for, a few things that i felt were beautiful that day, and a few things that were funny. I also wrote down one thing I liked about myself, and one thing I was excited about. It did not feel good at first. It felt stupid and ridiculous. But I kept doing it and within a few weeks it transformed what my mind was looking for. I'd walk in to a place and say "what is beautiful here?" and I'd look at my boyfriend and Id ask myself, "how is he a blessing in my life?" It was so simple but it really worked. Because before that my brain was in the habit of asking questions like "what is scary here?" and "what if he doesn't really love me enough?"

And to erase the negative stuff off your lens:
There is a process of questioning your thoughts called "Inquiry". My favorite teacher is a lady by the name of Byron Katie. She has a worksheet where you take your troublesome thought and question it. And then you turn it around to the other, the self, and to the mind. You ask yourself if you know your thought is true, if you could possibly for sure know that the thought is true. And then you turn it around to see the holes in your logic. You say the opposite of the statement in several different ways.

Also there's a lot of power is just deciding that you don't know. Like, I don't know if I am a success or a failure. I don't know if my job is fulfilling. I don't know if my mother is too emotional. I don't know if the car in front of me is going too slow. There's just not a whole lot that I'm qualified to judge from my very limited perspective of the world. It's super freeing.

As far as your meditation group having those strict spiritual guidelines, I always remember this one quote but I can't remember who said it. The quote is "the hand that points to the moon is not the moon." In my experience, you don't have to do anything to find God. You just have to undo the things that keep you from seeing that you've always been standing in the presence of God.

In all, I would say that anything that makes you suffer is a big giant red flag that your thinking in that area needs questioned.

I hope that helps somehow. And no harm in getting checked out by a doctor.

[icreateidestroy]

@Jennifer - Thanks, I am due an appointment next week to get evaluated.

@Winterbritt - Thanks, I did write a personal blog from 2006 onwards and it amazing how much sadness and hopelessness I have blogged there over the years.

I have written other updates about bike rides and general stuff, but there were loads of good things also that happened which I should be grateful for.

I will make a conscious effort to do that from now. Will keep a daily journal where I will make an attempt to have gratitude for the things I have and the experiences I have and to write positive things that happened on that day.

Thank you again for sharing your own experience and all the suggestions. You have a very nice website, and I will explore it more, I get the concept reading about retraining your brain and the winterbritt project.

Thanks again.

[Winterbritt]

Thank you and good luck and please keep me updated. There is a solution and you will find it so do not do not give up.

[Teddy Bear]

You seem to be on a cycle of depression. If not meds could a therapist figure out why?

[icreateidestroy]

@Winterbritt - Thanks, I will do. I will update this space.

@Teddy - Thanks, I haven't had any meds yet or been prescribed any yet. I am meeting a doctor following Wednesday.

[icreateidestroy]

Update: Met the GP today and had an half hour session with him. Listening to everything he said what I may have Uni-polar depression and / or a condition called cyclothymia.

He has now made a referral to psychiatry and I don't know how long a wait is that. He also recommended blood tests, so have given my bloods.

And will be meeting him again in 2 weeks.

[Winterbritt]

Originally Posted by icreateidestroy

Update: Met the GP today and had an half hour session with him. Listening to everything he said what I may have Uni-polar depression and / or a condition called cyclothymia.

He has now made a referral to psychiatry and I don't know how long a wait is that. He also recommended blood tests, so have given my bloods.

And will be meeting him again in 2 weeks.

Thanks for the update. How you feel about all that?

[icreateidestroy]

@Winterbritt - Thanks for checking. It'll all a bit much to digest, to be honest.
I have just been reading up and watching content about cyclothymia and unipolar/bipolar depression etc and educating myself.

The doctor said, well done on deciding to go see him and talk this through and that was the most difficult step.

It has been, tbh.

I always thought, I was in control and it was in my hands, I still believe I can pull myself out of this having done it so many times in the past, but I am fed up of this cycle.

One thing I am determined is it can't go on like this and I want to see this thing through to completion and get over it or learn to handle it better.

[Winterbritt]

That's really great. Stay brave I am rooting for you!

[icreateidestroy]

Originally Posted by Winterbritt

I can relate to a lot of the things that you describe. Looking back over my life, I can tell that I spent a whole lot of time doing things to try to make me feel better. But no matter where I went or what I did, I was still dragging the same sad mind around.

Here's what I think. You've been dealing with this for a really really long time, and you've been trying very hard to resolve it by examining your life and changing things in your environment. But those changes don't provide lasting results because depression isn't a result of your life or your environment. Depression is a result of the belief system that you experience your life according to.

Think of it like this. You have this lens that you hold up in front of you all the time. Everyone does, whether they are depressed or not.

And you look at the world through that lens. The lens is distorted by your thoughts about the world. When you look at your job and you have the thought that your job is unfulfilling, and you make the unconscious decision to accept that as true, it's like you write "unfulfilling" with a marker on that lens.

You're always looking out of that same lens your entire life, so when you turn your head to see another area of your life or look at another job when another job comes along, you still have "unfulfilling" written on your lens. You have to look through the concept of "unfulfilling" at everything else in your world. The world is distorted by the concept of being unfulfilled, because you have to look at the world through your beliefs, and you believe in unfulfillment.

And now that you believe in unfulfillment, you can recognize opportunities for it more easily in your life. So when a potentially unfulfilling situation comes along, you grab your marker and write it again. You give up the chance to see that situation in a different way.

When you're suffering from depression, your mind spits out all kinds of negative nasty thoughts and not so many bright happy ones. If you unconsciously just believe all of those thoughts, you will always write them on your lens. And your life will seem terrible because it's reflecting the state of your negative thoughts. And you will feel terrible, because you'll believe you are living in a terrible life.

The really brilliant really simple answer to the whole problem, is to stop unconsciously just believing all of the things your mind spits out. Stop writing new hurtful ugly things on your lens.

And then start purposely writing new bright kind happy fulfilling things on your lens. So far you have just been letting your mind push you around and tell you what kind of life you get. But you don't have to. Start purposely writing new things that you want out of life on your lens.

And then you can start erasing the nasty stuff from your lens. And you can get a clearer view of what the world really is like. You can start seeing a clearer picture of what's actually happening again, rather than seeing what's happening through the lens of depression.

There can be medical issues that cause your mind to spit out an inordinate number of nasty thoughts, that's definitely possible I think. And medicine helps some people slow that down so they can cope better. But nothing can ever ever force you to believe any of the thoughts your mind spits out.

Once you realize it's optional and you get in the habit of deciding whether or not you're going to choose to believe an ugly thought, it just becomes automatic. It doesn't even take any effort anymore, and it's kind of empowering and fun. And once your mind realizes you aren't going to let it win anymore, it starts cooperating. (Scientists call it neuroplasticity.) You become the boss instead of being bossed by your mind, which is fabulous because your mind is an incredible powerful fun tool for getting what you want, and an awesome toy for having fun with once you harness it.

@Winterbritt - I am re-reading this and realising how true this is. I am now again in a phase where I am striving hard, replacing negative with positive thoughts and doing small things which give results and add to my confidence.

I think I can cope, without having to go back to the doctor.

It's about how I see every situation and every challenge. I basically need a change to how I see my life fundamentally and stop comparing myself with others.

Do you have any books or recommended reading in this direction ?

Thank you again for taking the time and writing this.

With this I can help myself rather than expect someone / something external to help me.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

I too find it cyclic. I also wonder if you somehow harbor some sort of resentment toward your family for your meditation coming to an end - since it is generally when you come home or are at home that the "down mood" begins.

Mindfulness is a wonderful suggestion. I use it a lot myself, but I would definitely get checked by a doc n this time continue treatment.

Best of wishes to you.
❤

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

With the "polar" disorders you will go through phases that cause you to believe you can do everything yourself n need no help. Please don't let this keep you from getting the help you richly deserve to put order into your life for you, your wife, and your child. ❤

[Albatross2008]

In my experience, if you have everything going for you, and all the reason in the world to be happy, and yet you don't feel like you're capable of feeling that happiness--then that *is* true depression.

[icreateidestroy]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

With the "polar" disorders you will go through phases that cause you to believe you can do everything yourself n need no help. Please don't let this keep you from getting the help you richly deserve to put order into your life for you, your wife, and your child. ❤

Thank you Crypts_Of_The_Mind. Sigh, there is that bit, not sure if this is the real me or the polar me, and it does feel like the nth time, I have been in this place pulling myself together and that I can do it all over again.

I shall seek and find help.

Cheers

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by icreateidestroy

Thank you Crypts_Of_The_Mind. Sigh, there is that bit, not sure if this is the real me or the polar me, and it does feel like the nth time, I have been in this place pulling myself together and that I can do it all over again.

I shall seek and find help.

Cheers

I am glad you are going to follow through and wish you well in your journey to stability. ❤
Remember though - this place is here for you too ❤

[icreateidestroy]

Originally Posted by Arbie

In my experience, if you have everything going for you, and all the reason in the world to be happy, and yet you don't feel like you're capable of feeling that happiness--then that *is* true depression.

Well, I don't have everything going for me. I am not happy in many ways, but I for sure can find many reasons to be happy and to feel grateful for.

I think it depends on how my mind wishes to view it.

[Nammu]

Why does it have to be either or? Could it be a combination. Have you tried talking therapy with someone who does DBT? You've been caught in this cycle for a while now and maybe need a new way to think about it?

[icreateidestroy]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Why does it have to be either or? Could it be a combination

Not sure I quite get this. What do you mean when you say either or?

I am totally on the fact that I have been in this cycle for too long, which is why I sought professional help in the first place after all this time.

However, where I live in the UK, it appears I don't meet the criteria (or my symptoms aren't bad enough) for my GP to make a referral to psychiatry.

I am now going to take up a private appointment, just haven't done it still.

[icreateidestroy]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

I am glad you are going to follow through and wish you well in your journey to stability. ❤
Remember though - this place is here for you too ❤

Thank you for the support Crypts_Of_The_Mind. It means a lot.