Trying to make a major life decision while in a funk

Hello friends, I haven't been on here in a while (you'll see why below) but I need to vent about this conundrum I'm in with someone who understands.

A little over a month ago I up and quit my job. I got very upset and frustrated one day and just decided I simply could not do it anymore. This was not a case of "I don't like my job so I'm going to take my ball and go home," this was a case of "I may literally have been headed for a heart attack even before that day."

For years I've been dreaming of getting out of here... I live in Wisconsin, born and raised, and I've never lived more than 100 miles from where I was born and raised. This is a big disappointment (in my mind) as when I was a kid I dreamed of getting out of this state. So now here I am, no wife, no kids, no real commitments tying me down. So what's the problem, you ask?

Well, there's two problems. The first is that even though I have a college degree, finding employment in my chosen field is much harder than I anticipated due to modern technology, and I don't really have much experience in anything marketable. The jobs I've had are pretty much all entry-level, low-paying positions. This makes it rather difficult to find employment in another state. Why should they even consider talking to someone in a different state when there's a ton of people right in that area applying? And moving somewhere without having a job lined up isn't a good idea.

The second problem is FEAR. As much as I want out of here, I also suffer considerable anxiety anytime I seriously think about going somewhere else. I loathe moving as it is, and going somewhere completely new is even more nerve-wracking.

At the same time I know that I've got to get on with my life. It is true that "life is what you make of it," but it's also true that I'm simply not happy here. I'm tired of the long, bitter winters and the lack of culture and excitement. I'm not getting any younger and I still have some dreams that haven't died.

Clouding all of this up is my overall state of mind. While my depression symptoms are kept relatively in check with meds, I get discouraged very easily. I have mood swings, where one moment I feel like "I can do this!" and within an hour I feel hopeless about everything.

What it boils down to is this: I have a job interview for something that I have a pretty good shot at getting, and which would pay way more than pretty much any job I've ever had. (Not a lot of money to most people, but big money to me.) I've been thinking, well, maybe I should take it and just stay here another year or so and save some money, get some debts paid off, and with the higher level of pay I could actually afford to take trips to the different places I was looking at moving to. Another part of me says if I stay here another year or so I'll go out of my mind. And/or I'll fall into the "comfort zone" trap I've been pretty much all my adult life.

I know this is a lot to process but I would appreciate any words of wisdom, sage advice, etc. that any of you can offer.

Do you have friends in other cities? That’s how a friend of mine found a job in another state. She was recommended for a job.

I would go ahead and interview. It will be a good experience regardless. Perhaps you’ll improve your prospects with this position if you get it.

The muse has 31 most common interview questions that really helped me prepare.

I’ve had similar thoughts about moving. I live in a nice place, but this area isn’t a hub for the type of work I do. I am lucky to have the job I do. It was incredible that this job even opened up right when I was laid off from my last company (it is going out of business). The pay is great. It is a high level job than I had before. But if something happens, I might have to move. I’ve seen others in my line of work move away.

I thought about just moving when I was laid off, but this job landed on me.

I’m much more marketable now. Two companies have already tried to poach me—one here locally, and one in San Francisco.

Good luck to you.

I'm in the same boat, Max. I'm really not happy with where my career is going and almost certainly would enjoy living someplace less crowded, but I don't know how to make that change given my social anxiety (which tends to make interviews hell) and given how easily I get discouraged.

I'd definitely take the interview, you've got nothing to lose by doing that. If you get the offer and decide to take it, you could set a deadline for yourself, like say December 1 2018, where you decide to move by then no matter what. Of course, the hard part is sticking to that, but avoiding another Wisconsin winter would be good motivation. If you save enough money you'd probably be OK moving even without a job lined up, as long as you have a plan to find one relatively quickly.

Two years ago, I also quit a job because depression and anxiety made me completely unable to function. After leaving that job I went right into an eight-week mental health outpatient program. A couple months later I started interviewing again. While I don't love my current field, it is in high demand, so it was relatively easy to get interviews. I took a job that is certainly more interesting than my previous job, but still in the same field and same location. It was probably a good decision since I was still a mess at the time and I've managed to save a lot of money in the last year and a half. That said, I'm starting to feel like I'm in that "comfort zone" trap that you describe.

The best adventures come from trying things that scare us. If you want to move, do it! Whether now or later really comes down to what you feel is financially responsible. However if you do take the job, don't give up on your dream.

I made the decision to move to another city and literally moved just days later. It was exactly what I needed and it changed my life. Sometimes you have to just dive in. Good luck.

Funny story - tonight I went on Google and typed in "prepping for a job interview" and the article you mentioned was the first one that came up. I had to pause for a second... "Why does this sound familiar?!" Then I remembered this thread.

Thanks to all of you for the responses. Here's where we stand - last night I met up with a friend who already works at this place I'm interviewing at. He gave me the inside info on the job, the company, the whole nine yards. Then he says, "I'm sure you'll have no problem with your phone interview, and then if they offer an in-person interview, you'll know you've pretty much got the job."

And I responded, "But we're not doing a phone interview, only an in-person interview."

He was quite surprised by that, since as far as he could tell everyone has to do a phone interview first. He's related to the guy that owns the company and even he still had to do it. So he thinks I may be pretty much in already as long as I don't completely blow it on Friday.

So I'm trying not to get overconfident... hey, maybe they changed how they do things since he was hired a year ago. But I'd be lying if I said I haven't been on Cloud 9 since I talked to this guy last night.

So right now my thoughts are to work this job for at least a year, maybe two, and use the $$ like I mentioned in my original post. Now I just have to make sure I can keep my anxiety in check the next couple days.

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

That is great—Good luck!

Hello everyone. To those of you who are waiting with baited breath to hear how my interview went, you're going to have to wait a little longer. Last night I went to the company's website to double-check the time of the interview. Turns out I had the right time but the wrong date - the interview is NEXT Friday.

Well, better early than late, right? :roll eyes:

Well, I've often been my own worst critic, so in my mind the interview didn't go well. An impartial observer not full of self-doubt, however, would probably say it went well. It certainly didn't go badly, but I could have done better.

Thing is pretty much as soon as I left the building my anxiety level went up, because I had envisioned myself just blowing them out of the water and sealing the deal. All I could think of after that was if I don't get this job I am going to be in trouble because I am running out of money and I'd rather sell my internal organs on the black market than have to ask my old man for financial help.

So the rest of Friday was fairly rough for me. I was texting friends who were telling me they were sure I did fine, etc. But when I tried to find someone I could hang out with nobody was available as usual. Yesterday I thought I could take my mind off things by going to the new Star Wars, but even then my thoughts kept drifting back to "What am I going to do if I don't get the job? What am I going to do?!"

On a side note, I was texting a friend afterwards and I told him it didn't help that the film was so dark and grim. He responded that he didn't find it either dark or grim, and that my anxiety over my situation was probably coloring my view of the movie.

One thing I've been trying to keep in mind is that they aren't just looking for a single person for this job, they're hiring a group of people, and my friend who works there said they are going to need a lot of people for all the openings they expect to have. Even then, though, I keep obsessing over the interview and thinking, "Why didn't I do this? Why didn't I say that?"

They told me I will know this week... if I get an email from them, I'm pretty much in; if no email, then... well, you know. This is going to be an agonizing week. And right before the holidays on top of it.

As a back-up plan I should really apply for some other jobs I was looking at but I just don't have the energy.

Ah, the anxiety after the interview is so hard to cope with. I’ve been there. What I have difficulty with is understanding that the job isn’t the only one there is!

It sounds like you have a good chance at this one.

Have you written a thank you email? It’s a chance to look interested, give them a little pitch as to why they should hire you, and add anything critical you think you should have said.

Also, most people don’t write thank you emails. You up your chances of being hired if you do it.

Good luck to you

Good luck! Let us know how it goes.

First of all, I need to send a THANK YOU shout-out to key tones for reminding me to send a follow-up email! In all the anxiety I had completely forgotten about that. Only thing now is I'm not totally sure how to get it to the people I actually talked to; my friend who works there is looking into that as we speak.

I should also mention that part of the reason I was so upset over the weekend (and still kinda am now) is that at this point it now feels like things are going to be hopeless even if I do get it. That's because I was looking forward to getting out of this state, but as I stated in the OP, I really can't even afford to move right now. Talk about a rock and a hard place. I guess we'll just have to see what this week brings.

There's also a certain amount of "buyer's remorse," if you will. I'm so resistant to change that even when I get what I want it feels like a bad thing; like I hate having any kind of commitment. I always assumed I would "grow out of it" but here I am, pulling 40 and still suffering from it.

For now I'm going to apply for a few more things in this area just in case.

Max,

You are welcome! I hope you get the info. you need. Usually, the interviewers will give you cards if you ask.

Hang in there.

Well, guess what. I didn't get the job. Of course I didn't. I was personally recommended by a blood relative of the company founder and I still couldn't close the deal. I give up. I surrender. Life, you win. You won before the cards were even dealt.

Now before you start telling me to stop feeling sorry for myself, remember it's been ME who has been on the receiving end of Life's blows for 41 years. Every time I even get anywhere CLOSE to a good place, Life takes it away. It dangles something good above me like you dangle a toy mouse on a string over a cat, then jerks it away. Sometimes it jerks it away as soon as I see it, other times it waits until I get close, close enough that I can almost, almost feel it, and then pulls back. My whole pathetic excuse for a life is Charlie Brown and the football. Oh no, not this time, there's no way Lucy/Life will pull the football away this time.

"So go somewhere new and start over." Sure, I'd LOVE to. But before you do that you only need to have $8,000 to throw around because you need to pay a security deposit, the first and last months' rent, oh and the second and third months' rent, plus you have to pay for a parking space, and pay the fee to be allowed to bring food into the apartment, and pay for your pathetic life for 85 months while you waste all your time applying for jobs that you won't get anyway because you don't have 80 years of experience, or you aren't married to the guy's daughter, or you didn't buy the guy a drink in Akron, Ohio in 1982.

Maybe I'll just cash out my 401K and live in Mexico. I hear you can buy a house down there for a quarter and the Coke is made with real sugar. I won't be able to find a woman who loves me for me, but up here I can't find a woman who will give me more than a passing glance so I might as well learn to take what I can get.

The last 41 years can be summed up in one question: "What do you want?" I have asked this question of Life many times and never gotten an answer. My life is a midterm exam where I'm not told what subject I need to be prepared for, but by God you better ace this thing because you get ONE shot and if you don't hit a bullseye you get set back five years and have to start all over again. Life refuses to tell me what I need to do to succeed but expects me to have all the answers and know exactly how to do rocket science from Day One. If Life would TELL ME what it wanted me to do, I would DO IT. But apparently knowing what I'm supposed to be doing is asking too much.

Screw this. I'm going to go live on Gilligan's Island and tell the Skipper to get his own damn coconuts.

I'm really sorry you didn't get it. I was rooting for you.

I spent eight or so hours in my chair today without getting up once. A friend texted me to invite me to lunch and I didn't answer. Half the time I text him something he doesn't answer so why should I.

Max I know how you feel. I'm 47 and I can't get a full-time job doing something interesting that fulfills me. And I've been trying for years with no luck. Everytime I find a job listed online that I believe fits my background, I will apply. But I never get contacted for an interview. It's confounding. I feel hopeless and fearful at the same time. My life is in limbo while I waste it working jobs to make ends meet that don't give me any joy, or enough to set aside in a savings account. So I know how you feel. Believe me. It stinks to high heaven to be stuck in a job rut. And the fact that you still didn't get the job after a blood relative of the company owner vouched for you is terrible. I'm sorry that happened to you.

I have friends in other states who tell me to move. They may be well intentioned, but none of them actually offer to help me find a job in their state. One friend even suggested that i move to another country where she has relatives I could live with. Um, who is going to buy my plane ticket, and give me a year's worth of money to survive on?

If you really have a lot of money saved in a 401K, then why not move to Mexico or somewhere else, where you know people? Or, use your 401K to live off of right where you are, while you take a break from job-searching and do creative things to help you reset.

Ever read that book, "What Color is your parachute?" Books like that are designed to help us narrow our focus to the kind of job or career field we should pursue.

To all of you who have been responding, thank you for your concern. I apologize for my rather morose statements last week, but (as you can tell) I was not in a good place.

Here's where we stand: while last week I was in kind of a 50/50 mindset as to whether or not to end my own life, I ultimately decided not to. This was because I realized that if I did, my old man would almost certainly have my remains transported back home and hold a funeral for me in his church, a church which I was raised in and utterly despise. It may sound a bit mean-spirited (for lack of a better term) to choose to keep myself alive out of spite, but I think we can agree that at least we achieved the desired outcome.

The problem is figuring out where to go from here. I have a few options - find a job here to tide me over until I figure out something else (which I've been doing for the better part of the last 20 years or liquidate some or all of the money I have in my 401K accounts and use it to travel around a bit and figure out where I want to get my "fresh start."

I will update you further in the future. At the moment I need to get something to eat.

Hello friends. I am pleased to report that I am in a much better place than I was for most of this month. For the last few weeks I've been having trouble getting to sleep because I've been so worried about what I was going to do with my future. Well, last week I finally worked up the nerve to investigate my retirement savings, and low and behold I basically have about $40K to fall back on if I need it. (I say the number not to brag, but just to show that I'm really not in as dire straits as I thought I was.) I know, you're not supposed to mess with that money, but I've been thinking lately and came to a decision. I would rather use some of that money now to help ensure a brighter future than hold onto it and possibly never get to use it anyway.

You see, while I do plan to keep looking for a job, I am very afraid that if I just take another menial job in this area I'm going to fall right back into the same trap. If using this money now allows me to get out of my comfort zone for a while, see some other places, and help me decide where I can go to start my life over, that's what I want to do. I'm too old to just keep taking whatever comes along.

Now I just have to figure out some sort of plan. One idea is to back to school and get some sort of certification that qualifies me for a job, period, so that I can get work and if I have to leave a job for whatever reason, I know I can find work somewhere else without going through all this rigamarole. For example, I was thinking of becoming a court reporter, which pays well and is in high demand. (I have a bachelor's degree already but it seems pretty useless.)

On the other hand, pretty much every program I've looked at (at least so far) requires at least two years of full-time schooling and I don't want to live like a student again. I could do like so many do and go to school while I also work full-time, but because of my high sensitivity I get worn down pretty fast. (Especially with the last job I had.) Now if I could find a job that would pay me $35-40K a year, I could live with that. Problem there is so far I haven't had much luck finding such a job.

The real problem, though, is having the self-discipline to stay focused on figuring my life out instead of just playing Batman: Arkham Asylum all the time.