I feel super depressed again... :(

Hello. Newbie here. Nice to meet you.
I'm a 17-year-old girl who has lived the majority of her life halfway across the world from her parents and being bounced around between several different relatives - a couple of which were emotionally abusive and one of which was sexually abusive. I have been depressed pretty much since as long as I can remember, I have had suicidal ideations since I was eight years old, and I have been self-harming since I was fifteen years old. Yeah, I'm pretty messed up.
I supposedly have an exceptionally high IQ, but over the past few years, all I have been feeling is a big fog in my head that inhibits my mental capabilities. This, combined with the fact that I always seem to be ridiculously tired, lazy, and unmotivated all the time, has resulted in continually declining grades at school, causing me to hate myself even more. As is common among many high school and college kids, I directly associate my worth with how I perform at school and my GPA has just been plummetting down rapidly, which gives me so much stress and anger towards myself. Furthermore, I am an absolute blockhead when it comes to emotional intelligence and thus unintentionally screw up social interactions all the time. Yay, more reasons to hate myself.
Above everything else, I just really, really, really miss my dog, who is my favorite person/thing in the entire galaxy and without whom I can't possibly live, whom I haven't seen in four months now because he resides with my previous family, from which I was forced by my parents to leave because the abuse had gotten out of hand. I literally cry every single night because I miss him so much. However, whenever I cry, within seconds, I automatically shut off my emotions, as I have trained myself to do over the years, so I no longer feel anything and immediately stop crying.
Anyway, today (well, technically yesterday because it's, like, past 2AM here right now) marked one year since the day I had gotten so extremely close to killing myself (although I ended up not actually attempting it due to a text I received that exact moment that snapped me out of it), was brought to the ER (I've actually always wanted to try riding in an ambulance so that was pretty cool), evaluated, and sent to an inpatient facility for a week. Yeah, that sucked. I'm such an idiot for letting that happen and go on my record when I really want to join the FBI and the military and stuff in the future if I end up living that long.
Well, the last few months have been relatively good, but this morning, I woke up to the sound of my aunt screaming at me for no apparent reason, which freaked me out so much and gave me flashbacks of certain incidents with a different aunt with whom I used to live and has bipolar disorder, which was really weird and annoying. This entire day, I've been feeling this awkward, horrible, empty feeling inside me, which got a whole lot worse when I accidentally scratched someone's car with my own for the first time and had to deal with that.
Well, I don't know if it's the date, my aunt, the car, or what, but I have been feeling extremely depressed today, far more than usual, and find it especially difficult to stop thinking about suicide (don't worry, I won't do it anytime soon, though).
I hate my life; I hate myself. I don't even know what sorts of replies I expect from this, but please, do you have any tips/advice for me?
Thank you for your time and I'm sorry I took up so much of it.

I'm sorry to hear about all the things you're dealing with at the moment. Do you have a therapist? Although you seem remarkably strong and resilient, a good therapist can help you navigate some of life's obstacles and remind you to use your coping skills instead of trying to harm yourself. I encourage you to find one trained to work with abuse survivors.

Also, because you're a young person I feel the need to tell you something about grades and overachieving. I worked my butt off in high school and college, graduated first in my high school class and magna cum laude in college with a bachelor's degree in biochemistry and molecular biology. I found a decent job that started almost immediately after graduation and a few months later applied for an even better job at a medical school doing research on cancer cells. About 6 months later, I had a nervous breakdown and had to take a medical leave of absence from this great job because I couldn't focus on my work. I was hearing voices and having terrible mood swings and was ultimately diagnosed with bipolar 1 with psychotic features and I've been on disability since 2003 after being hospitalized for a manic/psychotic episode. I was 24.

I didn't tell you that story to scare the crap out of you, but just to tell you that self esteem tied to academic performance is just asking for trouble. Of course you want to do your best in school, but try not to feel awful about yourself for having problems. It wasn't your fault that you were abused and you're now dealing with traumatic memories, but it's your responsibility now to get help for your issues. I wish you the best.

I think school is overrated... but I guess everyone has to live with it until we invent something better.

You are 17 and mention joining the military? Why not talk to a recruiter now and enlist after H.S.? Depending on you motivations, maybe look at the Air Force first? There are part time options, like National Guard, but that won’t get you away from home.

Keep your record clean in the meantime.

If home life is that bad, put it in your rear view in a few months.

Oh, wow, I'm so sorry that happened to you. And thank you. There are a few reasons why I can't get a therapist at the moment but I will try and look into it once I graduate and go to college. Thank you for the encouragement.

School is a major issue for many teenagers. I think it is made to be stressful because it is a pressing issue. Our memory is most malleable when we are that age, and whatever we're trying to remember will stick with us for a long time, therefore all the emphasis on starting education young. It is especially hard for people that has a unpleasant home life. However, education is the only way for us to ease the pain of whatever that's perturbing us, because as we learn, we become more empowered. What motivated me when I was younger was that if I do this now, short term pain, but long term benefits. I will be able to get out of the situation I'm in now and be able to get a job and be independent and leave all the crap behind eventually. So I would say hang in there, and check out some study skill articles online. Everybody can benefit practicing certain study skills. Does your school have a special education teacher? You can actually sign up for an IEP or a 504 plan. Under the law, schools are required to provide accommodation for students with study issues or other health issues. I would highly advise you to look into it! Best.

I remember those school years. I was doing good up until a certain point. Then I got involved in activities very different from studying books. Didn’t give a damn.
Doesn’t really matter now why. Threw my life away. Never got the education I needed to get , never got the career I dreamed about when I was young. Sometimes you think you have so much control over your life when you really don’t.
Life happens the way it’s going to happen whether you like it or not.
First of all stop putting so much pressure on yourself ! There are plenty of very smart and successful people that are much more unhappy than you are right now. You won’t get anywhere until you straighten out your head first and foremost. Use every resource available to help you with your mental health.
You have issues that need to be dealt with. Now ! Get another pet knowing that you still love the other one very much. Don’t try and work your emotions like a faucet. Feel what you need to feel. Let it out. But not in a destructive way !
It saddens me when I see such young people going thru what your going through right now. You got some very good suggestions. Think about them.
Life is a journey needed to be navigated to the best of your ability using whatever tools are available. Most importantly, don’t ever give up. Never.
No matter what.

Thank you, @Continuously Blue. I appreciate what you're saying; however, I personally don't see a point in living if life isn't happening in a way I want it to. I know I'm selfish but that's just how I see it.

I understand how you feel. Sometimes life can feel hopeless. Work on your relationship skills when you are still young. It is harder to learn those skills as you get older. Do you have anything that can make you forget your troubles even if only temporarily?

I’m sorry. I do understand how you feel. I just recently graduated high school. It ended with me being in a depressive episode, which did drop my marks, which then made my depression worse, which made my marks worse, etc.. So I was in this big loophole. For me, this was triggered by being off medication, or at least, I believe.

Anyways, I have read that now, getting good grades are really pressed on kids these days, which I can believe. It is said that if you don’t do good, then you won’t get a good job, which stresses people out. It’s sad how our society places a high emphasis on education. I know it’s important, but your health is much more important, which includes mental health.

I know you said your IQ is high, but depression can get in the way of that, along with other conditions like learning disabilities, AD/HD, anxiety, etc.. I know that having a high IQ and learning disability are quite common comorbids.

Is there any way for you to get access to school support like accommodations, or talking to a counsellor there? At my school, I saw a social worker twice a month, and also a child and youth worker once a week, along with having accommodations like having extra time on test and writing in a separate room. I found these very helpful. Or is there a teacher you could talk to? I talked to many teachers at my high school for support.

I relate to your situation very much.