Well, actually, I do know how I got the depression. It is learned behavior from a very young age about suppressing my better emotions and indulging the bad ones. I often think of my childhood as training me to be frozen... don't speak, don't move, don't make faces, be good, be careful. All because of a male parent who was so frail everything was thought to be a sign of disrespect.

I just have no idea what a normal life is. How is it that I could be so blessed yet in reality, I have not gone anywhere? I am still trapped in my mind, as if there is chaos outside. I prefer the isolation of my mind now, but I used to be very anxious that I couldn't relate to anyone. I have always been different from everyone I've met. Other children seemed like aliens. Adults seemed like monsters.

I was going to go outside today... but I was terrified. There is nothing to be afraid of, really. I can't fathom how people without depression live. Every moment has been miserable, grey, awful, sickening.

But why on earth am I so resistant to changing? And how did it get this bad? (The self injury, for gods sake, why was that necessary? Well, now it is because I'm addicted, but how did it get to that point?) I have been given all the tools I need to be successful, but I am the worst, most mentally undisciplined person I have ever met. My only motivator for being mentally well (if that's even possible) is to be able to use my mind to its greatest extent. The depression clouds my mind. I am good at conceptual thinking, but get lazy around numbers. I simply don't care enough. I am sloppy, lazy, stupid.

But using my mind isn't enough motivation for me to cure myself. I just don't care about my life. I don't care how it turns out. How do I start to care? I am not trying to get better because I don't care. I don't care whether I'm happy or not. I can't imagine what it would be like to not be depressed. How can I accurately build towards something I can't imagine?

I don't know how to take care of myself and need some help please. I don't learn well though. I don't really care about my wellbeing. When will I learn my lesson? Someone said that you only learn the lesson until it hurts, but I resist pain, I don't learn well from it, I have never appreciated the lesson. When I was a child, it was because my father was a fearsome, horrible person who wasn't very nice to my mother, and I had to sit still otherwise he would be upset, but now, as an adult, I don't like to learn simply because I'm arrogant and don't respect anyone enough to listen to them.

I hate myself so much. I'm truly useless. I'm applying for jobs and stuff at the moment. I usually am extremely surprised that anyone would hire me. This has led to some bad results. I can't tell if I have low self esteem or if I'm at the other extreme.

Anyway, thank you for reading all this. It would be helpful if anyone could tell me what it's like not being depressed, if they have ever had that experience. It would also be helpful if you could tell me what your motivating factors for getting better are.

I need a therapist I can pretend cares about me. Above all, I think I need someone to care about me and notice me. It's sad that I don't trust anyone except for someone I pay.

[Uncharted]

Everything you said touched me so much, I actually cried through the whole thing. I don't think I'm the right person to answer your questions but I was so moved by your post that I wanted to reply.

I'm very depressed too but I remember there was a brief period in my life where I wasn't, about 10 years ago. That time for me was just having dreams for my future, having a strong will to create opportunities for myself and working through problems. I wanted for everything to work out so I kept trying and it felt good even though I failed at everything in the end. What I also remember about that period is that I wanted to feel depressed. I wanted to be lonely and miserable again. It's like I missed my depression I had before that time and I couldn't stand being happy or feel good about myself. I think happiness is a big lesson and we have to learn it in order to live it and embrace it. Especially those of us who are depressed from a young age.

About motivation, well, let's be honest. When we're depressed, pretty much nothing motivates us, right? So for me, the best way to deal with it is actually embrace your depression as much as you can. Love that f*cker so you can work with it (sorry if I'm getting too much lol). No problem got solved just by ignoring it is my point. It's like a tunnel that you have to go through, not around it.

Anyway, I don't know if that helps but I related to your post so much I had to say something. Wish you all the best hun

I notice you and I care. You always have friends here. I came out of a 2 year depression just a few months ago. It was such a long road and I nearly didn't survive it. However when you can pull yourself out, it is so worth the fight. I feel like I'm back from the dead. I laugh until I cry and take in every moment of happiness. The fight is worth it. I promise.

Originally Posted by Uncharted

That time for me was just having dreams for my future, having a strong will to create opportunities for myself and working through problems. I wanted for everything to work out so I kept trying and it felt good even though I failed at everything in the end. What I also remember about that period is that I wanted to feel depressed. I wanted to be lonely and miserable again. It's like I missed my depression I had before that time and I couldn't stand being happy or feel good about myself. I think happiness is a big lesson and we have to learn it in order to live it and embrace it. Especially those of us who are depressed from a young age.

Thank you so much for your perspective, I found it very helpful!

Right now I am in my early twenties, just graduated from college.... I think I am having dreams for the future, but I'm scared that I won't be able to fulfill them. I tried (and did not entirely succeed in) expanding/doing some new things this year. The thing is, it took so much energy to even get to those new places. I just hope I can use my failures as a first step towards something better. But it's just sometimes I don't understand at all where I am trying to go. I agree/relate so much with you, and am just hoping that happiness comes my way more than once. I have probably not been able to recognize it. I guess I also feel guilty for being well and taking steps towards happiness. So interesting, the relation between depression and success, for me.

About motivation, well, let's be honest. When we're depressed, pretty much nothing motivates us, right? So for me, the best way to deal with it is actually embrace your depression as much as you can. Love that f*cker so you can work with it (sorry if I'm getting too much lol). No problem got solved just by ignoring it is my point. It's like a tunnel that you have to go through, not around it.

Anyway, I don't know if that helps but I related to your post so much I had to say something. Wish you all the best hun

Thanks, I will try not to ignore it. Loving it... I never heard that one before! I will try.

For me the problem I've come across a lot is that I really doubt that there is anything wrong with me. But still, I had a bunch of stress issues manifesting physically in childhood that probably point to unhappiness I haven't yet processed. I remember some things suddenly and then forget again. Just details about how bad things were. (Maybe it is abnormal to even forget in the first place. I can't remember a lot of my childhood. I think I can only remember high school well.) I think I need to make a list, otherwise I will keep on forgetting. I feel like part of the reason I am breaking down now is that I can't forget anymore, I can't bury all the bad things. They are all coming to the surface. I wish I could just breeze on. But maybe I was never good at that all along....

Thank you so much for your response!

[Uncharted]

Originally Posted by emptynightmare

Thank you so much for your perspective, I found it very helpful!

Right now I am in my early twenties, just graduated from college.... I think I am having dreams for the future, but I'm scared that I won't be able to fulfill them. I tried (and did not entirely succeed in) expanding/doing some new things this year. The thing is, it took so much energy to even get to those new places. I just hope I can use my failures as a first step towards something better. But it's just sometimes I don't understand at all where I am trying to go. I agree/relate so much with you, and am just hoping that happiness comes my way more than once. I have probably not been able to recognize it. I guess I also feel guilty for being well and taking steps towards happiness. So interesting, the relation between depression and success, for me.

I'm happy you found it helpful! Failure means you're trying. I've failed at almost everything in my life and I have let it get to me so much that I barely do anything with my days anymore. I feel it starting to change though lately and I'm hoping I'll start trying out some ideas I've had for a while again. I'm 29 and still don't know where the hell I'm going. How much failure affects us depends on a variety of things but I think mostly it comes down to our idea of self-worth. It's very hard to learn to be generous and kind to ourselves especially when our parents didn't teach that to us. But not impossible! I've been taught to always be good, quiet, respectful and not really look after myself, similar to you I believe. But I always had a rebel in me, thinking differently from what's considered ''normal'' or ''right'' and I've allowed it to come through slowly the past few years.

Thanks, I will try not to ignore it. Loving it... I never heard that one before! I will try.

For me the problem I've come across a lot is that I really doubt that there is anything wrong with me. But still, I had a bunch of stress issues manifesting physically in childhood that probably point to unhappiness I haven't yet processed. I remember some things suddenly and then forget again. Just details about how bad things were. (Maybe it is abnormal to even forget in the first place. I can't remember a lot of my childhood. I think I can only remember high school well.) I think I need to make a list, otherwise I will keep on forgetting. I feel like part of the reason I am breaking down now is that I can't forget anymore, I can't bury all the bad things. They are all coming to the surface. I wish I could just breeze on. But maybe I was never good at that all along....

Thank you so much for your response!

Haha I know loving it sounds weird but I believe there's always something good in every seemingly bad situation we go through. Depression is not a monster that we need to run from exactly. If you see it as something like that, then it gets harder to overcome it. I personally see it as a sign from the universe, that it's come again to learn me new things. We need to see the good things it brings our way, cause I really believe it does. For example, when we're depressed it's a good time to reflect on things, think things through etc. When you're having a good time having a drink with friends for example, you're not really gonna start theorizing about life philosophies, at least not most of the time. And I think the things you say you suddenly remember and then forget, maybe that means those are the issues that need to be resolved. I believe life, the universe, God or whatever you believe in has a way of showing us what we need to do, it's just that we can't always see it and recognize it. If it was that easy, we would all be happy 24/7 but we wouldn't learn anything. It's very hard to face our issues but once we do, that's when we free ourselves from them for good. Ok, I'll stop myself now lol and give you a link to a video that might help. It has helped me a lot.

And you're right, there's nothing wrong with you! You're a great, adorable human like the rest of us

P.S. - It might help you to make a list of the good things that depression has given you or showed you. If you really think, I believe you will find at least a few good things that it brings you, instead of the bad feelings/thoughts.