I push people away :(

I've found after talking with my therapist that when I'm in a depressive episode, I hide from everyone and don't talk to anyone. My boyfriend and best friend text me but I can't find it in me to bother replying. I just go MIA for as long as my episode lasts. I push everyone away even when they're trying to help and understand. My boyfriend does an amazing job of staying patient with me when this happens, but it makes me feel like a horrible person for staying silent. It's like I don't want to be around people when I'm in an episode, because I feel guilty for feeling bad. I don't want to bring them down too. Does anyone else ever feel this way?

Yes, I struggle with this, too. It's very difficult for people to understand why I was MIA; often, people take this very personally and are hurt. If I do this, I get in touch and explain as soon as I am well enough to do so.

I think depression causes us to naturally desire to withdraw. I know I also feel somewhat lost and feel some shame for being depressed.

Maybe we can overcome this if we keep trying? Maybe we can find better ways to handle this so we don't hurt others; yet, still do what we need to do?
I could do a better job educating those around me; somehow shame gets in the way.

Hugs to you!

WC

I understand how you feel. I guess you can just do your best to reply to your BF/friends. I'm sure they understand.

I do this too. I do let one person in who I describe as fighting in the trenches with me. Other then that, I go MIA. Sometimes I can’t even post here. I feel bad when I do this yet I don’t know what the answer is. My depression is really bad when it hits and I’m doing the best that I can in am emergency situation at that point. Maybe that’s it? Treating ourselves with compassion and loving kindness, knowing we are doing the best job we can?

I hope you feel better soon.

I have this bad habit of going nuclear on the people I care about most when I sense the depression hitting. I lash out at them.

Perhaps I should try to be MIA instead.

Obviously the ideal is to be able to navigate relationships with kindness even when you're depressed, but as we all know, when you are depressed, this can be very hard to do. It's like asking someone who has horrible abdominal pain to sing a solo. Or someone who has round ligament pain to run a marathon.

I do that too...mostly to my husband, and I hate it. But yet I can't seem to stop it if he is anywhere around. It feels safer to be alone so that I don't hurt anyone else.

Hi Aemulus2058, know that you're not alone in that.
Whenever an episode occurs to me, I'll find myself doing much the same - not answering texts or calls unless it's people I simply cannot avoid, e.g. my parents or closest relatives. I'll tell myself it's for their good, and a part of me truly believes it to be a form of damage control - it spares my friends the trouble of seeing me like that.
Be gentle on yourself. One day you'll find some better way to cope - right now, you're doing the best you can. Try not to feel too guilty about leaving your loved ones without a reply - they know what you're going through, they'll understand. When you eventually break your way out of the dark room our mind can become, don't let shame for "what you didn't do" get in your way... Reach out to the ones you love. They'll be waiting for you with open arms, eager to hug you again

I do this too....

Primarily with potential relationships. People get close, then really close....at that very moment I push them away. They get upset and I try and rekindle things...and it doesn’t work. I get upset at them, then I realize it’s my fault and proceed to beat myself up emotionally further.

I still do this....trying to rekindle something at the moment, but I’ll probably get shot down again.

My depression is really really bad.