Just trying to figure out what’s wrong with me

Hi, I’m new around here, and I came to hopefully get some answers. Whenever I’m alone, I constantly think about suicide to the point where it’s hard to do anything else but lay in bed and try to sleep it off. It keeps me up at night, and the only time I’m happy is when I’m around other people. I’ve never seen myself living even into my thirties, but I’ve been really happy at work and in my new relationship, so I’m trying to get some help to get through this. Seeing a real therapist is out of the question, so please don’t suggest it. What is wrong with me?

I can't tell you what is wrong with you. I do understand what you're describing. It sucks and it's hard. I've had the same problem for well over three years now. Nothing I've tried has rid me of it. I have learned to live with it, though. I've come up with different strategies and they work for a while, then I have to come up with some more. Over time, I've lost the ability to even be happy with others around me. Having people around has helped, though.

My advice, find a strategy to stay alive whilst you're alone. Don't wake up in the morning and say, "I'm going to stay alive today." Wake up and admit you don't know what will happen. Live day by day, hour by hour and so on. Get down to the seconds if it works for you. You don't have to take my advice. What works for me may not work for you. I didn't want to listen when I was told the same thing, I had to learn it through experience.

PC is a good place to resort to when you're alone. It has helped me. I hope it can for you, too.

Your comment on not living into your 30s has made me tear up. That has crossed my mind too. I have no idea how I’m still alive. Glad you’re here with us.

Hold on to the things you enjoy doing and the people who make your day better. Continue to post here for support.

Try to spend as much time with others as possible, find yourself some hobbies. Do you think some books might help? Also, remember that you have us when you need it.

It sounds like you are suffering from depression.

It's unfortunate a therapist is ruled out.
Do you see a psychiatrist? it might be very helpful to seek a diagnosis and treatment from a professional.

I deal with chronic suicidality and have done so since I was a child. For me, it's not only depression, but also CPTSD, etc.

I work at living in the Present Moment and find ways to distract myself from the suicidal thoughts/feelings.

Learning coping skills might be very helpful to you.
Have you done any CBT, DBT or Mindfulness training?

Please stay safe.


WC

I’ve tried hobbies, I really enjoy online gaming, but even that just makes me upset after awhile since I don’t have any friends. I enjoy reading, but haven’t found a good book lately, and I suppose I could try to find another tv show to lose myself in. Thanks for the advice.

I haven’t seen a professional since high school, and I’ll be 22 this year. I’m supposed to be shipping out for the military any day now, and mental illness is a no go for that career, the only career left for me at this point. And how would you recommend getting started with mindfulness training and all that? To be fair I’m not even sure what any of that is.

Hi, I'm sorry you are struggling.

I know you didn't reply this for me, but I have looked up mindfulness training online, and there is this site that has an eight week mindfulness program for free. Here is the link:
https://palousemindfulness.com/MBSR/week1.html

An app that I had for mindfulness that I used when I was trying to see if mindfulness worked for me was called HeadSpace. It's free to download. The first 10 days are free, and you can repeat them. If you want more specific things, you have to pay, but the first 10 days were really good and helpful. The voice is very calming.

I hope this helps.

Thanks so much, I’ll definitely try that. If you need any help sign anything, just know that I’m here for you too.

Thanks so much for replying! I have been limited in my participation here lately due to depression, etc. Great resources!

WC

I see "Nike" has responded with great resources!

I have 3 nephews in the military right now.
Thank you for your service.

We hear from people in the military here, on various forums. Many of them end up getting help (therapy and/or meds) through the military.

Please take good care of yourself!
We are here to support you.

WC

It’s okay. I understand. My depression has been worse the last few days too. I was at work and there wasn’t may people so I had time to reply around. Hope you are doing a bit better today.

Since I’m not in yet, I’m in a very tough position. I could lose my contract if it comes out that I have mental illness. I started cutting again today and I’m not proud of it. I just need someone to help me

Something what I do to keep from is having a rubber band around my wrist. Every time I want to do it, I snap the rubber band against my skin. I also keep certain stim toys with me and distract myself with them.

Sometimes it still can't be helped but it's better than having nothing.