Yesterday...

was the biggest emotional roller-coaster I think i've ever experienced. I went back to my High School for the first time in over a year, where I saw all the people that are so near and dear to my heart.

It was so amazing to see them all and to experience what it felt like to be loved again, and i just wish i could hold onto those feelings forever. But I can't. And now thinking back ... well i try not to. I can't stop crying. My heart feels like it's been broken into tiny little pieces, all spread out so far from one another, and its so incredibly lonely.

I saw my old T, and that was wonderful. We went out for coffee/park with her children, and back to her house. Then i went to the school and saw my "mother/father" figures.... and that was equally special.

But then .... then my Mother Figure saw the SI on my legs. That thought alone causes me so much anxiety I don't even want to think about it - but its all i can think about. We were sitting at her table, and I had my legs crossed, and she saw it on my ankle.

I feel like I let her down, and that she now thinks of me completely differently. Why did my visit back there have to turn into "my issues" all over again? Why couldn't i just go and be happy, and leave these people with the impression that i'm not just some messed up kid anymore?

These people mean so much to me. They kept me grounded, and sane, and showed me more love than i've ever experienced. Now i'm so completely lost without them, and i'm scared that i've lost them forever now.

I can't bare the thought of it. I'm such a mess. I spent the whole train ride home last night crying, and spend all today at work doing my best to hold myself together. It's so exhausting, and I feel more alone and pathetic then ever. All i want to do is cry, or SI, or ... i don't even know.

I just don't know anymore.

All i do know is that i want to curl up into a ball and sleep for a long time.

What perfect timing considering i have 3 midterms this week.

sorry your trip turned out like that i doubt they are thinking of you like that,
((((((((((((((((((((jacq10))))))))))))))))))))))

aw jacq... i think you are beating on yourself too much... if they really are your mom/dad figures they will love you no matter, they will see your pain and inside wonder how they could help, worry that maybe their prior help was inadequate, love you unconditionally, see that your pain is not over and love you deeper... thats what a mom and dad would do... they wouldn't think the things you are fearing, that is not love, that's judging and isolating.. they don't sound like that type of people to me...

Oh I hope that you guys are right. I hope that so much.

I'm just worried because I don't see them often anymore ... and now that i have seen them, and this has happened... well, it just seems so selfish of me.

((((((((((((( jacq )))))))))))))

sometimes we need to be selfish... it's ok jacq... feel better and then you can give like you want to... til then, maybe you should be selfish.. caring for yourself or being in touch with your feelings isnt selfish... its a must for everyone...

I can't do this. I can't stop crying. I don't know what to do anymore.
Everything is too fresh... I feel like i'm experiencing leaving all over again - only with an extra dose of being ashamed and hurt.
:sobbin:

I'm sorry everyone...

it's ok to cry... it's cleansing... just please jacq... don't hurt yourself anymore... turn the corner... you can do it... sending love

(((((((nowheretorun)))))))))) Thank you so much for your support and feedback. I'm trying to take care of myself... i really am. its just so draining.

Thank you too (((((((((((((fuzzy)))))))))

yeah jacq... i hear you... taking care of ourselves is such work... and its so easy sometimes to just let go and let yourself slip back, just a little.. we believe we can pick up where we were tomorrow and continue back on our way, changing little by little and maybe that is what we need to do sometimes...

you've made progress.. when you went to the school you knew you had changed... and you have... because they saw a memory, or because you have, doesn't bring all the past back to stay... you know you've changed... you know you are better... you know you will still get better...

sending hugs... vent if it helps...