Alone.

I am very much alone. I can be around anyone, everyone, and I still feel isolated.

Doesn't matter if I'm sober or not, either. I always feel the exact same.

Maybe I should go IP? I have to either choose that (meaning choosing to believe that this world is real, and I'm more sure right now that it is), or I have to choose to "wake up".

I know I don't want to live, so getting help seems pointless (considering I don't think any amount of meds or therapy can make me want to live).

.....

That really sucks, I’m sorry

I suppose IP might be the “right thing” to do, what does T think?

FWIW you make people (including me) feel less alone by being here

My T wanted me IP last week right after our session. I told him I'd consider it.

I'm just so damn scared that they'll force me to be stuck like this. They'll manipulate me into acting like a good little patient and force me to take pills. Pills that will control me. They'll control me. And leave me trapped in this "reality".

Being controlled by them is a very scary thought, I can kind of relate

Your T sounds like a good T, I’m glad he listens and hasn’t forced you to go IP or anything (like some over here might anyway grrr)

Yeah, he's actually the only T I've ever trusted this much. He's never forced me IP and I don't believe he ever will. I respect him for that. I don't know, maybe I should call him and tell him the real reason I won't go in. Maybe he could tell me if my fears are real or not. A part of me knows that they couldn't possibly care that much about me to control my mind. The rest of me doesn't care about that other part and always has an argument against it.

I don't know, I'm just really confused anymore.

Calling him sounds like a good idea I think. I’m glad he’s earned your respect (and I wish there were more T’s around who are more like him)

I wish there were, too. After all, I'm sure he'd love having a bear as a client. He'd probably get along better with you than most humans.

((((((( So leigheas )))))))

You could try putting a 'no meds' condition on it. As long as you go voluntarily you do have a lot of control. Unplugging from everything for a few days might just be what you need. In my experience, but I am an oddball, separating myself from my life temporarily is better than any meds or therapy.

I understand what you mean about not being sure about people's motives. I have made peace with the idea of trusting until they earn distrust. It is easier, but maybe more painful than doing the opposite. It doesn't come naturally though.

If you T hasn't threatened or even lightly hinted at forced inpatient, he probably doesn't feel that is a productive path. You are lucky, he sounds great and that is so rare. Don't feel afraid to really lean on him, I think you have a gem!

Feeling alone really hurts. I had forgotten how much until recently and it just sucks! As you can probably guess, I am in and out a lot lately, but if you want you can PM me and we could talk in whatever way makes you comfortable.

Thank you for this qwerty. I used to have the method of trust until they do something that causes distrust. After things with my older sister happened, I just couldn't anymore. I suppose I should try and change that.

IP sounds good to me. I am trapped where I am.
I hope it goes well for you.

I went through a hellish depression and saw no reason for help, no reason to buy clothes, no reason to do anything, no reason to live. It went on for a year or more. It was terrible. Pure hell.

For some reason it is lifting some and I am starting to enjoy people again, I am taking care of myself again, I am taking life on a day-by-day basis.

I have several disabling medical conditions, as well, and often feel sooooo overwhelmed, wondering why I should invest in anything?
Yet, it gets better and I am doing better than I was doing.

Your depression will likely get better, too.

Mine got better trying med combinations. That might also help you?

I have hope that things can change for you. Please keep reaching out and trying things. Something will help, even if its time that helps.

Please don't shut down or close yourself off, even if you feel alone. Others are also full of life and it's life/love you need to help you in your healing. I do not know what I would do without those around me loving me and my pdoc caring so much, too. This and meds have helped me.

I am hopeful for your healing.


WC