[mulan]

Crap! There are so many things wrong with me. Does someone here ever tasted what is like to feel normal (meaning not being mentally ill)?
I try to uncodify others so I can get a more clear picture of what is living like for a normal person. I never had a decent social life and I can feel how people don't feel comfortable around me... I push people away. It's such a hard balance. But if they knew....
I want to absorb their happiness and their love for life, I try, but I am a happiness sucker, talking to me is the recipe for having a boring conversation. It amazes me how others can do it, having casual conversations like breathing. I don't know how to do it, I am too serious or too silly and childish.
I feel left aside, and yes I am the one who does that to myself.
I care so little about life. But it amazes me what is a human suppose to be like. It's a bulshit, and noting this abyss makes it worse. I wish I knew how to behave like you, but I never learnt.
They must feel life inside.

I feel like benzos do wonders for me even so. I imagine if one day I could control my social anxiety and my self doubt and constant imagined disapproval and abandonment the indifference about life would change, but I can't forge real connections and get over my fears if I have nothing to connect to.

[Fuzzybear]

I’m not sure that I’m understanding this fully.. you feel indifferent to life? Do you also feel others are “indifferent” to you?
(Sorry I’m sending this quickly but wanted to write something )

[mulan]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I’m not sure that I’m understanding this fully.. you feel indifferent to life? Do you also feel others are “indifferent” to you?
(Sorry I’m sending this quickly but wanted to write something )

Thanks fuzzy

Answering your questions...something like that, I may say I am indifferent to life. It is hard to explain has it is hard, even for me, to understand. I have tried, I have come up with explanation, but somedays this emptiness of thoughts and feelings doesn't make sense. And it is so strange how things change so quickly. Just thinking about this right now is making me nervous.
And yes, people may try to be close to me, but they eventually have to quit and feel indifferent. And I may be indifferent about it...but also not.

Schizoids don't get this tired and light headed and dizzy with few stimulus and I am not psychotic for sure. And some days, and some hours I am less indifferent and more alive.
Everything is such a big mess.

[Chez3]

I understand. I used to be normal, but I don't remember what it feels like. I understand the pain of feeling as though you suck the joy out of any conversation. I understand the desire to feel good again. I'm sorry. I have no good advice. I'm still stuck in the pit of despair. Either way, at least we're not alone.

Originally Posted by Chez3

I understand. I used to be normal, but I don't remember what it feels like. I understand the pain of feeling as though you suck the joy out of any conversation. I understand the desire to feel good again. I'm sorry. I have no good advice. I'm still stuck in the pit of despair. Either way, at least we're not alone.

Same here. I want to feel happy again, normal like everybody else. It gives me hope to realize that I am not alone in this.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by mulan

I wish I knew how to behave like you, but I never learnt.

It took me years to come to this conclusion, but now I say, "Me too."

Originally Posted by mulan

I feel like benzos do wonders for me

Interesting. I believe benzodiazepines have helped me more than antidepressants.

[Fuzzybear]

This has happened to me too, with some people who, maybe, tried to get close to me.. they eventually quit and one said they were “indifferent” to me. This was a clinical psychologist. I learnt a lot from him.. not really helpful stuff though . I’m sure I was very “frustrating” though (for one thing I didn’t trust him )

I feel like a mess too, you aren’t alone in that

And if I’m honest, I never really learnt how to “behave” like “them” ... who are they though

Originally Posted by mulan

Thanks fuzzy

Answering your questions...something like that, I may say I am indifferent to life. It is hard to explain has it is hard, even for me, to understand. I have tried, I have come up with explanation, but somedays this emptiness of thoughts and feelings doesn't make sense. And it is so strange how things change so quickly. Just thinking about this right now is making me nervous.
And yes, people may try to be close to me, but they eventually have to quit and feel indifferent. And I may be indifferent about it...but also not.

Schizoids don't get this tired and light headed and dizzy with few stimulus and I am not psychotic for sure. And some days, and some hours I am less indifferent and more alive.
Everything is such a big mess.

[mulan]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

And if I’m honest, I never really learnt how to “behave” like “them” ... who are they though

Everything that has to do with searching actively for social interactions and making sure that they happen, and having the tools to make them happen. And having some pleasure in life and working willfully to meet some goal...not just do it because they really have to.
I guess I would already be happy with that.

I push people away, it is just what I do. And it's so hard to explain to my family (and it was to my ex-pdoc ) why I am such a loner.

This world is not made for solitary people.

[Fuzzybear]

I wonder what little turtle has to say about this...



PS maybe try “observing” people.. be that “judge” you feel they are being of you.

Some quite solitary people are happy. I know that isn’t very helpful but I know several..

I’ve found that some doctors though are far too judgemental and have a God complex.. but I think you know that already. I question if they are actually “happy” if they feel that “need” ....

[mulan]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Some quite solitary people are happy. I know that isn’t very helpful but I know several..

It depends on one's life goals and opportunities.... Having a job and providing for myself isn't not an option. Life has its ways and rules I must follow. I am not saying it was better if these rules didn't exist...

I appreciate the "luck" and the opportunities I had in life that brought me where I am. Specially when the job market is so tight and competitive and I don't have what it takes for a hard fight. But there are many test ahead still.