It doesn't matter. Nothing matters.

Anyone that i've ever built a relationship with in my life no longer cares. Maybe i've scared them off, or maybe they've just realised that they have more important things in their lives.

It took every ounce of courage for me to tell the people that i did about my SI, and now, i don't even hear from them. It's almost as if that minor detail about how much i'm struggling doesn't really even process. There is so much turmoil going on inside me and i feel so alone and scared, and now my thoughts are just being validated about how much i don't matter.

My brother got in a serious car accident (he's doing ok tho) and my parents neglected to even mention it until a week later. As if the thought just slipped their mind of letting me in on what happened.

I honestly feel as though i don't matter. To anyone. And that thought scares the hell out of me because thats all i want. To feel loved. And to not feel like that .. well its just devastating.

I think i might just crawl into a hole and see how long it takes anyone to notice. But i'm not going to hold my breath.

(((((((jacq))))))

My nephew had a very serious emergency (but was eventually fine) and my sister told me about it 8 months later. Her excuse was, "you had enough on your plate at the time and I didn't want to worry you." Nice thought, I guess, but I would rather have known at the time, you know?

I think people think like that sometimes when we tell them difficult things. They don't really know what to say, but it doesn't necessarily mean they don't care, they just are not sure how to help and afraid of screwing up if they try. I have become very assertive about telling people exactly how I like to be communicated with, but it took me a long, long time to get there.

I'm sorry you're feeling alone. It DOES matter and so do you. Let me know if you want to talk.

Love, Candy

Thank you (((((((((((((Candy)))))))))))
Your reply means more than you know ...

Oh jacq,

That just plain sucks. I'm sorry they did that to you. People sometimes think they're doing the right thing but it backfires.

As far as your friends are concerned, that reaction is more about them and their issues. Just because they "can't deal" with it does NOT mean you are not worth dealing with. I hope that made sense.

((((((((((((((((((((((((jacq))))))))))))))))))))))))) I am so sorry about how your friends are reacting. SI seems to be a very hard thing for many people to understand. Many then don't know what to say or do once they are told. I can only imagine how much this hurts you. Please keep reaching out as you do matter and I for one care.

BB

Just to let you know that you do matter to us and we can show you love and warmth you need to get by. I have to return the favor as I too feel unloved by my spouse and crave him to love me again. However I can't make anyone love me or want me, but it's going to have to do just me loving myself. I made it through a very tough day yesterday and I am so thankful for the love I felt here on these posts. Hope you feel better and know you are never alone in your feelings and there will be someone there for you in your time of need. I had an attitude change this morning and decided I want to live no matter who loves me or not. It will be hard to keep this up, but I think with all of you it can work. Keep your spirit up and feel all the warmth and love around you.

Jacq, I'd say its more about other people not being able to be intimate than it is about you being someone that no one cares about? I know as a child I grew up wanting to be part of my mother and brothers intellectual club. I always felt the reason they didn't "see" me was because i had nothing worthy to say. I now know that it was about their insecurities.

I'm so sorry these people didn't care Or maybe like candybear said, they do care but are unsure how to communicate ... either way it hurts I know that online is different but I care and many others do as you can see from this thread. PM me if you ever need to talk (I know too well the feeling and the reality of being the "last to know" in the family ) ((((((((((((((( jacq )))))))))))))))

love,
Fuzzy

closed ears unwilling to hear
hurtful... that is clear
eyes blinded by a dirty window
standing alone as the wind begins to blow
lean your head on the shoulder of PC
listening and viewing - through your sadness... we will be

(((((((( jacq ))))))))))))

Oh wow ... I can't believe i got so many supportive responses. Honestly, thank each and every one of you for answering me. Thank you thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I think the reason everything is hitting so hard is, well first of all, the people i told about my SI weren't my "friends" ... they were older individuals that i had made a "strong" connection with - or so i thought. I don't think it would hurt me as much if it were my friends who were reacting this way. It's just me letting myself be vulnurable i guess.
And as for the thing with my brother ... well, I'm the only one in my family who moved away, and i feel a disconnect from that anyway, but i always just thought it was me being paranoid and longing for a closer-knit family. But this just kind of showed me that they really must forget about me. Not forget as in forget they have a daughter, or sister ... but forget as in, the emotional involvement i guess. Rationally thinking, this isn't a huge deal ... its just the fact that i wasn't important enough for them to share this with. It wasn't because they wanted to spare me any pain - they don't know about any of my pain.
Anyways, i'm side-tracking now.
(((((((((((((((((((((( Petunia, BB, Just, Mouse, Fuzzy, & Nina))))))))))))))))))))


thank you all so so much ...

hang in there (((((jacq)))))) you matter to us here

you know with all the stuff on my plate you were so sweet...

people move on.. come/go ... its terrible to feel unwanted... but you've got to remember one person who really, really, really needs you... that person is you...

i see so much value in you.. you can see it too...

when you walk out in the air, going to work or shopping or what it is you do... walk with an air of beauty.... because thats what resides in your soul...

not my entire family knows whats happened to my cousin... even my 1/2 bro and full sis... i asked mom why?

did't want to upset them....

i said maybe they could help... to this moment they still don't know... i think i should tell them...

The one person who really needs me is me huh ....
I never really thought of it like that. I like that ..

(((((((((((nowheretorun))))))))))))
Thank you for being so supportive of me.
Please let me know if there's anything i can do for you ... I know you have a lot going on right now, and i'd hate for you too to feel like you're alone.

please make sure to save some room for me and all of us here in that hole. then we can all be sad together and find comfort in our mutual pain.

hope you are feeling better

(((((((((tracy))))))))
Of course there's room.
Hope things with you are okay...