[justpassingby]

I know we are not allowed to post any suicide thoughts, but what do I do if I want to hurt myself real bad? I only have 2 days of inpatient hospitalization and don't know if I'd have to pay out of pocket for additional days. I am trying to be strong and hold on. My visit with my therapist went real bad and I left very angry and then went drinking for lunch. I'm home alone now and feel scared. I just need someone who cares to talk with me.

[nowheretorun]

well, my internet is running super slow but i'm betting you get more than one reply...

isn't hurting yourself counter active to healing yourself?

[justpassingby]

Hi nowwhere,

thanks for responding so fast. I called my insurance care manager and she is calling me back in 30 minutes to see if I called my T and got his opinion on what I should do. I saw him earlier this morning and it didn't go too well. I called him now and he was eating lunch but talked to me about my situation at home with my husband and how it makes me feel. I have an old half bottle of klonopin in my purse and it is too easy a way out. I am not sure what I need right now, but I do know I feel numb and very hurt and depressed. I had a recent suicide attempt in August, which was pretty bad so I am trying my best not to go there again. My T didn't mention me to go to the hospital but perhaps he doesn't realize how bad i actually feel right now.

[nowheretorun]

ok... i'm catching on... i always freak when i hear the word suicide i guess... unquestionably true that fingers on a keyboard cant reach thru cyber and prevent anyone from doing something harmful to themselves or anyone... so it sounds like you're calm enough to distract yourself a little...

heck yeah... i'm listening... the insurance manager is gonna tell you what benefits are available when she calls? ok... take it step by step... sorry you feel low...

[justpassingby]

My son just got home from school so I feel so much better and safer. My husband also came home early don't weird things happen? Perhaps God intervened so I won't do anything stupid. Even though our relationship is like hell with a mixture of cement to further cause me to feel this way. I don't know what I'm saying but you are right I am trying to distract myself to the point I can't think about anything but someone else. You are so kind and thoughtful to be here for me while I was alone and scared. I appreciate it so much. The pain I feel is numb right now if you know what I mean? It's inside and turning my heart inside and out. I don't know what tonight will bring or if that matter what I will do tomorrow when I am alone again. The simple matter is that when depression hits you and are just coming out of that hypomanic state, you're not ready for it. The energy that generates from the black hoe just whacks you back into the depression pit. No hope, no happiness, just unrelenting gripping and paralyzing torture.

[EJ711]

Just (passing by),

I'm sorry for the turbulence of your feelings right now. Yes, I do believe God intervened. Even when we have issues in our close relationships, we can still love the other person. Their behavior may have caused us pain, but we still love them.

You probably already know that depression is doubly dangerous b/c it tells us lies. Don't believe the lies. As long as you are alive, there is hope that things will get better, and you will feel the sunshine on your face again!

Feel free to PM me.

Hugs,

EJ

[nowheretorun]

there is a true darkness to depression... recently i saw my dad for the first time in 15 years... i told him how i'd battled depression for the past 29 years... he said "some people never come out of that depression."

it made me think how depression is the last stop before suicide for many... depression can kill someone... it's that serious...

God indeed works in mysterious ways... and we are all Blessed by God, whether we are aware of it or not...

i know faith doesn't work for everyone, so, sometimes its good just to keep a sense of ourself within easy reach... we become so bogged down in everythiing, everyone, no time, no energy, lose sleep, get tired, forget to eat...

single now, i don't have the distractions many do... but looking around, my plate is full no less... what i've been noticing these past few weeks is how many here are caretakers, providers for others... moms, nurses... healers...

its a drain to keep giving energy away if there is not some form of replenishment... how do you re-energize? for me, i pray... i write... i have my own dream fantasy world that is my comfort... music can be a refuge for me....

[justpassingby]

Dear EZ711 and Nowwheretorun,

Your messages are coming in loud and clear, that I am not alone at least for right now. I feel the love and caring that you both are sending my way. I live in Florida where the sun shines most of the time and I want to be that cheery person inside. I have unfortunately come to almost the end of my marriage life as I don't believe he will ever change or be the person I need him to be. My illness has had a big part in destroying our life and what that didn't do I created by my bipolar states. He is sick and tired of worrying about me and just thinks I can go back and be the wife he married. He doesn't even know if he loves me anymore and treats me coldly and cruel at times. I just don't know how much more I can bear. I feel trapped inside our home, but I have nowhwere to run literally. No money for my own to take care of myself and a son I don't want to leave. So that is my predicament. I don't think anything will help us return to a normal way of living as man and wife. It hurts me so bad, which leaves me feeling helpless and totally hopeless inside.

I thank you again for all your comfort and words of wisdom. I don't want to die, I just don't want to live like this anymore. I'm caught between life and death. Which really sucks and tears me apart.

[Perna]

I like to "take" comments to my posts and posts I've been part of earlier and people I've gotten to know online, etc. "with" me when I'm out in the world :-) I still remember, everytime I go to the grocery store a couple of conversations I had on a board 10+ years ago and "grapes" and "soy milk" are special friends of mine now, LOL. One friend with borderline personality disorder who often overdosed on Tylenol, I suggested she use grapes instead :-) and she and I both thought of that each time we went to the grocery store and saw the grapes and just the "connection" of having had the conversation helped us both! Another online friend got me to try soy milk. I didn't think I'd like it (it was all she would drink) but I'd never tried it so how could I say I didn't like what I hadn't ever tried? That was another fun conversation and, though I drank soy milk for a time, now I've gotten out of the habit of it and don't remember which "brand" I drank! So, I'm afraid to try it again, LOL. I haven't talked to that online friend for at least 7-8 years but still think of her and "soy milk".

It's a great idea, I think, to come here to PC when one doesn't feel "right" and immerse one's self in posting and reading, etc.

[justpassingby]

Thanks Perma for making me laugh about the grapes. From now on I'll think of you and the analogy and probably smile when I buy grapes.

I'm trying very hard to find something to hold on to and it really doesn't matter what it is as long as I don't give up. If it weren't for my online friends that I am making, I don't know if I could have made it till now. I truly think I would have lost it and would have to have gone to the hospital. But I know from experience that a few days there isn't the cure for what ails me. How do you get the courage to do what you know you probably will have to do eventually. The outcome scares me to death. I am trying to learn how depression plays it's course. It teases you into believing life would be better off without you and sometimes it is very alluring and cunning. I don't want to fall into this trap that I know well. For now I feel safer and I think I will make it through the night. I might even go to sleep earlier than usual. Maybe tomorrow will be different and I am hoping for anything better to happen, maybe a MIRACLE, do you think it's possible or foolish to hope for that?

Thanks again for keeping me in the here and now with my family, even though it may be temporary it's all I have.

[Perna]

We got into depth discussing grapes to OD on and you have to know you'll get the runs :-) and won't feel real good even if it's just grapes you're ODing on. I've done that and I don't SI or otherwise get suicidal.

Thinking/attempting suicide doesn't "work" is how I talk myself out of such. It can tease all it wants but unlike liquor, it doesn't deliver any good feelings! I hunger for good feelings so I'm going in search of those when I feel bad.

What does make you feel better? Clean sheets? Nice warm shower? Ice cream cone? (I had that happen once when I was alone and lonely, I insisted I tell myself what I wanted right that moment and the "answer" came, "an ice cream cone". Of course, there was nowhere to get one where I was so I had to go to the grocery store and buy cones and ice cream, etc. and then take it home and make my own. By the time I got an ice cream cone, the original problem of feeling sad, alone, and lonely had gone away :-) I usually go for books. I know at least 25 books that make me feel better and I'm always looking for new ones :-)

Find something interesting/you'd like, something small. I use to take $10 to the local antique "mall" near me at the time http://www.savagemill.com/ and see what attracted me at that price and buy it. I have green "stones" I carried around for awhile, a marble "egg", a 19th century, brass house key, etc. Invest yourself in a fantasy today! :-)

Sad songs help me. Hit youtube and listen to your favorites?

I'm listening to a favorite of mine now, "Runaway Train"

Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a blowtorch burning
I was a key that could use a little turning

So tired that I couldn't even sleep
So many secrets I couldn't keep
I promised myself I wouldn't weep
One more promise I couldn't keep

It seems no one can help me now,
I'm in too deep; there's no way out
This time I have really led myself astray

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Can you help me remember how to smile?
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded?
Life's mystery seems so faded

I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just a-drownin' in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train

And everything seems cut and dried,
Day and night, earth and sky,
Somehow I just don't believe it

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughing at the rain
A little out of touch, a little insane
It's just easier than dealing with the pain

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Runaway train, never coming back
Runaway train, tearing up the track
Runaway train, burning in my veins
I run away but it always seems the same

[justpassingby]

Oh Perma, you crack me up and make me laugh and smile at the same time. Thank you! I am going to make sure to eat more grapes and just stuff them in my mouth till it bursts. You have helped me to see how much I have control over this depression and it doesn't have to consume me anymore at least for tonight. There's things I will have to work out by myself and determine what will be in my best interest to do and just do it.

Perma, what makes me feel good is covering up in my bed with my Pink thick furry blanket with satin on the edges. It is so soft and cuddly and warm. I just love to wrap myself up in it. I enjoy scrapbooking my family pictures, but for two years now its torture to try and do it. So much pleasure has gone and I want it back again. So I'll return to my Pink Blanky, which gives me the warmth and comfort I so much need right now.

Just to let you know I feel better just knowing I have PC to come back home to and be with people who understand and care. I'd like to say depression is a choice but there are times that I have no control over it. Tonight I did have some control over it allowing me to think death was the answer, when in fact living is a grace and privilege we are given from God. I do believe in a better place than earth and I allow myself to think that sometimes I'd be better off there such as in heaven. However, I know that giving in to the depression will only hurt those I love and I always thought of myself of someone who doesn't give up and keeps trying. So I will defeat this depression and go on today and forward to fight the demons that want to hurt me. I will recruit anyone willing to fight the demons in my head and in the process I hope to help them with their demons as well.

2 or more can resolve just about any dilemma we have at least we can try. Tomorrow I am going to buy those red seedless grapes, and each time when I am alone all day tomorrow, I will have them to remind me that I'm posting with a bunch of grapes who care enough about me to make me laugh and find the lighter side of life no matter what.

[justpassingby]

Just want to say good morning and thanks to those who cheered me up yesterday and gave me time to distract myself from my pain and anguish. You all are so great people that give to others even when you are dealing with your own issues.

God bless all of you

[tracy24]

i know that this is two days later, and hopefully that sad outlook has brightened at least slightly. I dont know you, but i care about you. i care because i have 2 legs and 2 arms, two eyes, etc.. what i mean by that is that i am human as well and that gives me the divine need to care. i havnt been hospitalized, but i probably should have been at times. any how, i hope you are better. as delayed as the good days can be, they do usually come after a bad spell eventually. i try to remember that.

bye

[justpassingby]

Hi Tracy,

Nice to meet you here. Thanks for caring enough to post on this issue. Today I feel somewhat better, enough where I don't think hospitalization is a problem. I saw my pdoc this morning and after I told him about these symptoms, he prescribed Lexapro. I've taken it before, but I don't remember why he took me off. He says it's one of the safer antidepressants you can take with Bipolar disorder. I had to get off Lamictal it caused me to have a rash.

Each day I wake up is a miracle and gives me a second chance to change my mood if possible to one that is more hopeful. I have a lot of circumstances in my life that bring me way way down, and no med will cure it. It just might put a bandaid on it for now.

[Fuzzybear]

[justpassingby]

((((((((((fuzzybear)))))))))))

[jacq10]

((((((((((((((justpassingby))))))))))))))