[MtnTime2896]

I thought I hurt before, that I had been struggling. Now... now I'm in misery.

My fiance wanted a break, I said I could do that. The next day, though, I just couldn't. I needed a definite answer, but it had to be my decision on whether to push for us to work on it or break it off officially. When he'd brought up us taking a break, it caught me entirely off-guard. I couldn't hardly process it. The next day I was thinking a little more clearly. I had to do the responsible thing and break it off. Before I did though, I asked him if he was still in love with me. He said he didn't know. On top of the spear that was metaphorically sent through my chest, I felt a tiny needle pierce my heart. It wouldn't be fair for me to tie him to someone he wasn't sure if he loved. It wouldn't be fair to me to string me along, considering I'm still madly in love with this guy. So, I broke it off. And I cried for a minute, then I compartmentalized my feelings towards the situation.

Since, I have felt empty. Though the emptiness didn't begin until I took off my ring; the emptiness is better than the pain of looking at it. The reason I'm writing this here and not another forum is because I feel myself declining even faster than before. My head is just... messed up. It's not right. I know it's not right. The shadow people aren't shadows anymore, they glow gold. They speak to me telepathically and tell me to join them. There's only one possible way I can do that. What's holding me to this world without him?

I keep telling myself this **** isn't real, it's becoming a difficult debate. I also keep telling myself that I can't do it because I'll devastate my... ex, I guess. I don't want him blaming himself because it wouldn't be his fault. I'm not sure if that reason will hold me to this life. My hallucinations are constant now, it's getting to be a little bit of a pain to tell if something's real or not. My despair is unrelenting. My thoughts are only of what I've lost. I'm still so deeply in love with him. And yet, he doesn't love me the same back.

I can't help but feel like this is my fault. After my mental breakdown two years ago, I haven't been the same person... and never will be again. I'm not the one he fell in love with. Now I'm just his friend, best friend, I guess. He told me that things have been hard on him, that I'm good for a minute and zone out the next, giving him the "cold shoulder". I never meant to make him feel that way, but I did. He wasn't happy. I need him happy. I don't care what pain I have to go through. I just love him. I love him so much I can't be the cause of his pain.

None of this changes how much I hurt right now. It wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't been planning our wedding in secret to surprise him later. It wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't been working on my MH so we could adopt a kid. He'd be a great dad and I'd only want children with him. ****, I still love him so much. But I had to do it. I had to do it because he didn't have the heart to.

I wish I was dead, but I'm not. I just don't know what to do now.

(((((Só leigheas)))))

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

I'm so, so sorry dear friend.

I'm sorry to hear this, too. In reading your post, I felt like I could resonate with it. I had something like this happen to me many years ago. But I feel like I am in your boyfriend's place on this. I was with a woman who said that she loved me. I didn't feel the same way. When it came to seriously discussing about love and the future it was hard for me to be forward with it. But I did tell her how I felt and it was not easy. In all fairness it was good for the both of us to move on.

I don't know what to suggest for you in this. I wish the best for you.

[MobiusPsyche]

You did an unbelievably strong thing by breaking it off, something that he wasn't strong enough to do.

I'm sorry you're thing through this. I know you've been struggling for a while. I hope things start looking up for you soon.

[Bill3]

((((((Só leigheas))))))

[mote.of.soul]

No, you can't blame yourself for the mental breakdown please Só leigheas. It's just the cards you've been dealt in this difficult life, nothing more. And also, that deep love you still feel for your ex fiance, it will diminish in time I guarantee you, then you can look back and say 'whew, I got through that, wow.' Endure.

These hallucinations you're having, it's a medical thing obviously and I'd like you to address that with a doctor please. Don't listen to the voices, they're just part of you but the mind is distorting it somewhat I believe.

Postpone death and just wait for mother nature to choose the right time, don't worry. That's what I'm doing.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((( So leigheas )))))))))

[Sunflower123]

((((( So leigheas ))))). I’m so very, very sorry you are going through this. Please keep posting if it helps. My heart goes out to you.

[Bill3]

🥀

[Candy1955]

My heart hurts for you.

[Humpty Dumpty]

I am able to relate to so much of this and yet my heart breaks for you and all the crap you are having to deal with. You are so strong to have made it this far. It was the right thing to do. I am always here to talk. I may not always have the answers but I will listen.

[besmith818]

I am new here, and just beginning to post and respond...but I definitely feel for you and your situation. I have been in a similar place and it just...hurts so bad, even when the right thing was done.

You are very strong to have been able to do what you did. It doesn't change how bad it feels, but I am here to listen if need be.

[MtnTime2896]

I don't see the point in creating another thread about this, so I'll just keep writing here.

There's no point in waking up, anymore. Only time I'm okay with it is when I pack a bowl or take a shot first thing. All of my dreams are horrific with ones that cut through my heart in between. Every moment I'm awake is another moment lost. Every breath I take is a waste. I'm a waste.

Possible trigger:

For the first time in a long time I have access to a firearm. It would be easy.

When I'm not thinking about that, I'm ruminating on everything and everyone I've lost over the years. My friend's birthday is coming up soon, she's been dead for nearly two years. I don't want to be alive for another death-anniversary. Just breathing is a task, a task I wish I could reprogram my brain to stop. I'm tired of hurting like this, and I know I deserve it, but I think I'm done paying my dues here.

[Bill3]

((((((Só leigheas))))))

Things are terribly dark right now.

I’m so sorry for the darkness.

I’m so sorry for your pain.

((((((Só leigheas))))))

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((( So leigheas )))))))))
My heart hurts for you dear friend.