This was a very uneventful and dull weekend, even though I moved around a lot. I went on a three hour bike ride today. At least it was a nice day for it.

I called my sister this morning. We didn't talk because she was very tired. She didn't sleep well the night before. This happens practically all of the time. And when I do talk to her, she falls asleep; and it doesn't take her very long to fall asleep.

I felt very depressed today. I feel like I don't have a family. My sister is all that I have and she hasn't done much for me. And then I feel stuck at where I live. There isn't anybody that I really like at where I live. And now at my job, lots of people will be out and I will miss them. At least the people are alright at my job.

I'm having some aches and pains in my body; and indigestion. I wonder if it's because of the way life is going for me? I know it could be worse, but I feel like I'm on a losing streak. I'm sick and tired of losing. If it could be worse, then it would feel like the end for me.

[Deilla]

Having a hard time getting motivated to do things. Falling behind on self care and chores. I've been sleeping all day. The shower is the worst. I fear pain from standing up. I have muscle relaxers and pain meds now. Maybe that will help.

not well today.

I've lost my white halloween lights- which is causing me some pannic (I know it's not halloween, but I want them up for christmas)- I think it's more an OCD thing, having a diffrent colored light in my room just doesn't sit right with me

my mother emailed me more abusive threats today (going as far to say that if I was dead, she would have the best christmas ever)

and just feel genrally depressed and blah.

oh yeah and I'm in more pain than you can shake a stick at- on top of the physical psymptoms I tend to get when I'm depressed.

It was a pretty busy day at work today and a nice day to be there. I worked out after work and it went much better than I thought. Before starting the workout I felt very tired and achy. I went ahead and did well. I'm glad I went through with it. Went to the pool area after that. A couple that I'm not crazy about were there, but they left shortly I got there. I'm glad of that, but I would have rather not seen them at all.

My friend will be returning very late tomorrow night. It looks like it may be a good while before I'll see him. He said that there's a friend with his family visiting in the area from this coming Saturday until Christmas Day. Also I will have to tell my friend that I saw a RE agent while he was away and planning to move. He is all against it. I want to do what's best for me.

[Smileonmyface]

depressed about how my mom reacted to what I told her yesterday. feeling lethargic and having no energy. feels like all I do is go through the motions because I have to. Because I am afraid of the inconvenience it would cause others if I weren't here. It's a hard way to live.

today I finally got round to watching "elf", and actually really enjoyed it.

I think i mentioned here before- someone tried to lend me the disk but it was badly damaged.

it was nice to watch it in full on tv- okay, so the end was a bit.... blah, but the rest of it was good (I love the fact that one of the characters in elf has my name!)

it's still not as good as muppet's christmas carol, but the movie is up their now as one of my top christmas movies. could it be something I watch every christmas?. quite possibly!

had my nails repainted today (gold with glitter), and also wrote my shopping list and menu for next week.

the bad sides of today is that I didn't sleep at all last night, and that I spent the day in unthinkable amounts of pain (I think I had enough pain in my back and legs today to probably break a world record)

also very depressed

[Deilla]

Very lonely and depressed today. I slept a lot. Not sure what to do to feel better.

A fairly busy day today. The company paid for lunch today but it was a disappointment. In fact, it was more like a joke! They paid for having a taco and ice cream truck come to the place. And it wasn't going to start until 12:30, which is very late for some, who start at 5 or 6 AM. The ice cream truck came first and it wasn't much of anything. The taco truck didn't come until 12:40. That truck was not able to handle the crowd that we had. I was in the middle of the line and it took almost a whole hour to get food! And I got mine because the food was ready for someone else, and that other person must have given up. Geez!

Another issue at work is that there's this one guy who will be leaving by the end of this week. He has been giving me crap. He slapped me in the rear end. He figures he can do anything he wants because his days are numbered and he has something else lined up. Oh, hurry up and leave already!

Nothing much after work. At least the pool area was nice tonight, so that made me feel better.

[Rose76]

Today and yesterday, I woke up at 4 a.m. Then I couldn't go back to sleep. I'm jittery now from the Ritalin I took this morning at 9 a.m.

I'm not depressed. That's big. I just have to get things done, and I will feel okay. I have a written list. Otherwise, I get disorganized.

My left heel pain is back. That hobbled me a bit. My bf is sleeping so much. He has gotten weaker lately. We both feel better in the evening. Our Christmas decorations are up. I'm happy about feeling ready for Christmas. Did my main shopping already.

I have to tell myself that I'm doing okay. I get this jittery, anxious feeling that I am behind on what I have to do (which I am) and that I'm going to be in some bad jam soon. I have to calm down and just move along with doing what I can.

[Rose76]

It's 4:30 a.m. and I've been awake for over 2 hours. I went to bed around 10:30 p.m. and fell asleep pretty quick. I was tired. So why did I wake I'll after only 3 hours of sleep? This is 3 nights in a row of not sleeping long enough. But later in the morning, I'll probably get real sleepy. This makes it hard to plan the day.

Being able to sleep on a regular schedule would make my life way better, but that's just a dream.

[88Butterfly88]

Possible trigger:

Feeling depressed because my grandfather is dying but I wish it was me dying instead.

I have been in so much physical pain today that any other emotions I may have had were dulled

all I could feel was the pain. it was so painful

I am going shopping today for all my christmas food.

I just hope it's easily found and that it's not out of stock because of the christmas rush

I showered today too and feel gross

I have a four day weekend coming up. It was a little bit more busy at work than I expected. There's a woman at my job and I got into some intense psychological talks. It wasn't very long because the both of us were working. I wanted to talk more to her. There were some good things that she mentioned, but some things I didn't feel comfortable with. She seems like a domineering mother type who cares for me. I feel mixed about it.

I left work early and took a bike ride when I got home. At this time of year I can't take a bike ride after work because it gets dark early. It was nice. I was going to workout today, but I decided to go bike riding instead. I was glad that I did. I have some pain in my left leg. Maybe it's good to give it some rest from working out.

Spent time playing guitar. Had a nice dinner. Bought a nice pillow. Hope I get a good sleep without pain. Hugs to all

---------

Looks like no apologies will be made. It's all hush, hush. All for them and nothing for me. I'm supposed to be OK with that. Guess what? I'm not.

yesterday I went to do my christmas shopping (for my christmas dinner)

it was lovely to see that so many people were in the christmas spirit- with a lot of them wishing me merry christmas as they passed me by

I wasn't able to get everything I needed, but most things.

I'm taking a coffee break right now from cleaning. I've got the major cleaning done now but there's more minor cleaning; and then lunch. And then after that, I will go to the bank and shopping.

My friend and I talked last night about a possibility that we'll get together. So far it's not looking like we're going to do it. We had a little disagreement last night about me selling my place to move somewhere else. If there's going to be arguing about it, when it comes about, then we'll have to split. I feel like he isn't a real good friend after all. I only like him because he's all that I got.

[Deilla]

Feeling Okay today. Did chores, slept and played games. I plan to do some art work now. It's time to relax.

[Rose76]

Getting going now on chores. I'm not sleepy and not depressed. So I'll feel really good, if I make progress on chores.

[LifelongLoner]

I am feeling down today. Took yesterday off from work after a co-worker had words with me on Thursday. I fought back verbally. But, I had not been feeling 100% for several days due to insomnia and took Friday off. I did manage to get the laundry done on Friday but today on Saturday I have not been good for anything. Again, I was not feeling 100% - my apartment is cold - and took a nap to recuperate. I have been living like a recluse on weekends. People are no longer friendly and I have a life that I don't want. I don't like being gay; I don't like the sex and don't fit it with other LGBTQ people. My C-PTSD has been acting up too. And, as usual, I have been hating the body that I am trapped in. My feet hurt as well as other parts. I seem to be developing arthritis in my right thumb, making it hard to hold on to things without pain. I am so tired of living. I don't feel up to celebrating Christmas and can't bring myself to even write Christmas cards. I don't know what to do about it.

Today is 99 percent the same as yesteday. I have no complaints.

A busy day today and pretty nice weather. Nothing going on socially at all. Not only did my friend and I not get together, he hasn't called or written. He did say that he had an acquaintance to see him today.

Feel down and empty now. I got a movie. I had seen the movie before and it was pretty good. I hope I'll like it again.

[Rose76]

I went to bed at 11 p.m. last night and fell fast asleep right away. I just woke up at 2 a.m. I feel fine . . . like I've had all the sleep I need. I can't go back to sleep now. It's 2:45 a.m.

This is distressing. If I don't go back to sleep soon, then I will get sleepy in the daytime. Three hours is not enough sleep.

On top of the wakefulness, I've had disturbing anxiety for the past half hour.

I think I need to keep a sleep log for a few weeks and take it to a doctor. I just don't think any doctor will order me more medication. I'm already on two controlled substances - Ritalin and Vicodin.

I can't adequately express how disruptive to my life this irregular sleep pattern is.

Looking at my phone isn't a good thing to do, at this hour. But I can't just lie here staring into darkness. Plus I need distraction to escape the anxiety that has come on me.

My bf is sleeping soundly. If I got up to do something, I'ld disturb him. The least sound or turning on of a light wakes him. It's a small apartment.