[SlumberKitty]

Today is okay. I'm working but there's not much going on at work so I'm a little bored. Therapy tonight which I'm nervous about because it's been like a month since I've been. Coffee tonight with a friend, which is awesome. Kit

[PsychNitrous]

Things have been alright, but I feel like my job is crushing the life out of me. My boss thinks I'd be better off somewhere else, and I agree, but the job search hasn't been going well. I feel ignored and distanced at work. I'm purposely left out of decisions, which I wouldn't mind if it didn't happen in front of others. I don't want to say anything negative about the place I'm at, so only a few people know I'm on my way out. I just don't want to tell everyone, but it seems like it's becoming way obvious that I'm leaving, or at least that I'm not a member of the team.

It wasn't too busy at work today. It rained very hard for most of the day. It doesn't rain here very often, but this is the rainy season.

I worked out after work and it went well this time. Last Monday I was feeling a bit under the weather but I worked out anyways. It seemed like it was a mistake because I felt faint and thought that I was going to pass out.

I miss my friend who is away. I get messages from him but it would be nice to have a real talk. He will be away for another two weeks. I'm doing OK without him, but I like him a lot only because he's all that I have.

I'm annoyed at myself because I was leant a dvd yesterday of "elf", and I said I'd watch it yesterday (I didn't), I'd watch it today (I didn't), this person is going to need it back soon so she can watch it over christmas. I'm just not very good at sticking to what I say (or I am, but only if it's something I really want to do)

emotion wise I've been feeling okay, well, that is until this afternoon- someonem ade a comment about my medication and now I'm feeling bad again (borderline suicidal)

funny how one comment can change your whole outlook- even if the comment is very small

[SlumberKitty]

Doing okay. A little bored at work, but that's totally normal. A little stressed about my trip this weekend. Lots of driving on two lane roads with nothing there and little cell phone reception. But I've done this drive at least twice before. So I know I can do it. It's just long, and boring. Going by myself so I will only have myself to talk to. Yikes. Kit.

[Mopey]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Today I was busy and got things done. So I don't feel as bad as I did.

Hooray for you, Rose!

[Mopey]

Originally Posted by raging vortex

I'm annoyed at myself because I was leant a dvd yesterday of "elf", and I said I'd watch it yesterday (I didn't), I'd watch it today (I didn't), this person is going to need it back soon so she can watch it over christmas. I'm just not very good at sticking to what I say (or I am, but only if it's something I really want to do)

emotion wise I've been feeling okay, well, that is until this afternoon- someonem ade a comment about my medication and now I'm feeling bad again (borderline suicidal)

funny how one comment can change your whole outlook- even if the comment is very small

Isn't that the truth, Ms Vortex? Terrible how fragile our moods are -- the good moods, that is...

Keeping busy has helped. I only took a quarter of my night meds and still slept. I'm hopeful I can get off of them.

doing okay.

this morning did all my shopping list, and now just chilling

had my shower too, gross but yeah what would be new on that front

Fairly busy today at work. I worked out after work and it went well. I was a bit scared to workout because I had some soreness around my left knee. It seems like going into my workouts this week have been scary because I haven't been feeling the greatest. Monday I had diarrhea and when I worked out, I felt dizzy. Wednesday I was scared because of Monday but it went well. Today I was scared because I have a funny feeling soreness around my left knee. It went well.

The pool area is still not working. I have contacted the HOA at least three times about it and no dice. I'm so sick of this. At least at an apartment complex, I could go to a manager about it. Can't do that here in person. Only by phone or email and they can just ignore me.

Tomorrow I will meet with a RE Company. I hope that they can come up with a solution so that I can get out of my place. It's too bad I feel this way. It feels like getting a divorce. A nice place to live with great potential has been ruined by the HOA and my neighbors. A dream that has been shattered.

I don't know why some people expect to be forgiven without an apology.
Then they wonder why I'm depressed? Why I don't want anything to do with them? Will wonders ever cease?

An extremely busy day for me today. I did the housework; and then at 10:30 AM I met with the RE people. I was dreading the meeting but it went way better than I thought. They were very nice to me and patient. No pressure whatsoever. The financial deal to sell my place sounds very convincing. But being able to find a new place will be quite a challenge. They said that they could help me find a place, but finding a rental maybe hard for them. They don't do rentals.

The pool area at where I live is still out of order. I had contacted them three times already in a week and a half and nothing's done. I think that the HOA at where I live are a bunch of crooks. They take your money and don't do anything. Imagine what would happen to me if I don't do what's requested of me at my job? Shoot, you'd see me holding up a sign in street corners in no time if I just didn't do what was asked of me!

Feeling down and lonely tonight. I got a movie, like I always do. Nothing ever changes. I was going to go out tonight to walk around, but decided not to go because there's a gigantic festival tonight.

I'm being stubborn and somewhat stupid. I'm refusing to take any medications tonight and drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes like there's no tomorrow. My faith is dwindling once again. I look at history, try to reason that the faith I grew up with is a real one. What evidence is there? Only in my life, and I question whether this is real or just my imagination. I shouldn't stop my meds. I'm sore. It masked the physical and mental pain. I want to feel, all the suffering that I should.

[LifelongLoner]

I am so depressed that I am having difficulty with getting basic things done like cleaning and paying bills. In so many ways, I have give up on life. It seems to be one bad experience after another. Even when there are good experiences, I seem to find no lasting joy from them or sense of accomplishment.

I don't seem to feel welcome anywhere either. That includes in church. I have stopped going. I would like to find a religion - I've tried several - but I don't seem to fit in or I find the beliefs to be false and/or hypocritical. So many religions are merely scams. And, the people I've met at church have not been especially friendly; a more apt description for them would be backstabbers. Why bother going?

I think that I need to move to a warmer climate. I do like having seasons but I enjoy outdoor activities that are not possible in the winter. The quality of life would be better but jobs are not easy to come by and I am not good at making friends. It's a problem that I don't know how to solve.

I really, really, really, hate gloves

I hate the feel of them, I hate the sound of them, and I hate that they remind me so much of abuse

I say this because I had a really bad flashback last night to one of my old abusers and he was wearing ****ing gloves

I know I'm ranting about it, but it really, really irks me- when it ends and i'm shaking- well, something was- and I'm pretty sure that my shoulders and legs left my body to have their own little disco on the edge of a ****ing snowstorm

it was a hard night for me, and hard for me to remember all that abuse. I know that I probably need to get ridd of all the gloves I can find and ****ing burn them

going to the bathroom at 1 A.M was the thing that saved me. realised where I was and started to relax a little. I'm safe, warm and okay

so far today is going so slow
it's 10 A.M, and ffeels even earlier. it's a weird feeling

Seemingly at the halfway point of the weekend, a couple of things have happened that were downers for me. Yesterday I went to the library to check out a DVD to watch at night. The DVD didn't work. I got a reading on the screen saying that the disk is dirty. So it wouldn't play. Well, it wasn't a total loss. I just watched some of my old favorite TV shows on YouTube instead.

This morning the woman that lives downstairs from me got taken to the hospital. I looked out my bedroom window and saw the ambulance right outside. I saw her in the stretcher and she didn't look good. What's really weird is that her husband is still at home. I would think that he would go to the hospital with her. I haven't been the "best of friends" with them. We had feuds but we recently got over it. But still the relationship hasn't been "peachy". I guess I'll have to tone it down for a while.

Originally Posted by LifelongLoner

I don't seem to feel welcome anywhere either. That includes in church. I have stopped going. I would like to find a religion - I've tried several - but I don't seem to fit in or I find the beliefs to be false and/or hypocritical. So many religions are merely scams. And, the people I've met at church have not been especially friendly; a more apt description for them would be backstabbers. Why bother going?

I am a Christian myself and having the very same problem. I've been to all kinds of churches and haven't felt welcomed at any of them. I don't know why that is? Apparently there must be some kind of appearance that middle-aged or older men alone make that make others feel uncomfortable. I have struggled for acceptance at churches for a long time and now I'm just not going, period. It doesn't mean I've gone away from God. I find that Sundays now are easier to bear and have more time to myself that's precious.

You can go to Google and type in (like I did) "Being Single And Not Fitting Into Churches". There are a lot of links on that. Some of the blogs has discussions about it.

[LifelongLoner]

Originally Posted by will19

I am a Christian myself and having the very same problem. I've been to all kinds of churches and haven't felt welcomed at any of them. I don't know why that is? Apparently there must be some kind of appearance that middle-aged or older men alone make that make others feel uncomfortable. I have struggled for acceptance at churches for a long time and now I'm just not going, period. It doesn't mean I've gone away from God. I find that Sundays now are easier to bear and have more time to myself that's precious.

You can go to Google and type in (like I did) "Being Single And Not Fitting Into Churches". There are a lot of links on that. Some of the blogs has discussions about it.

I will give that a try! Thank-you! It seems that the more bad experiences that I have at church, the more I turn inward and isolate. Sometimes, I like to go alone and just sit there. Occasionally, I will speak with a priest. Most priests are at least empathetic. Some give bad advice though their efforts are well-intentioned. Instead of going to church, I now do my laundry on most Sunday mornings. It's not a spiritual experience but at least it's a necessary chore out of the way!

Originally Posted by LifelongLoner

I will give that a try! Thank-you! It seems that the more bad experiences that I have at church, the more I turn inward and isolate. Sometimes, I like to go alone and just sit there. Occasionally, I will speak with a priest. Most priests are at least empathetic. Some give bad advice though their efforts are well-intentioned. Instead of going to church, I now do my laundry on most Sunday mornings. It's not a spiritual experience but at least it's a necessary chore out of the way!

With me, I find that going to church and not feeling accepted increased my depression. For a few years or so, I was just going along with the church experience. I had been thinking that it was all good for me. But I was just kidding myself. My late brother told me sister one time that churches are the cause of my depression. I never thought my late brother could diagnose me with depression, never mind thinking that I ever had it.

There's not much that a Priest/Pastor can do. A few years ago I went to the Pastor at a church I went to. I told him that I feel lonely. After I said that to him he then said to me, "people here at this church avoid you because they sense that you don't feel comfortable around them". That really got me upset and I quit after that. After all, those people didn't make me feel comfortable. They were at least 20-30 years older than me and mostly coupled. They were into their own cliques and didn't want to bother with me. Not even with some "small talk".

I do things for myself on Sundays and find that I'm closer to God than when I was going to church.

[June55]

Hopeless sadness worried

[88Butterfly88]

Felt okay today

There must be a way to get out from the chains (scumbags) that are binding me. Eventually I'll find a way out but I hope it won't be too late.

I am depressed over my life situations, I want to be selfish and do what I like but there seems to be no way to really do that without hurting someone.

I also get the church thing. I'd go and felt excluded at some, other ones were welcoming at first, and then I question why I'm there.

in the words of next to normal, " it's just another day"

really nothing exciting happening.

feel a mixture of irritibillity and depression.

no more flashbacks which is a nice positive

watched the final of I'm a celebrity get me out of here last night and it was won by the football manager (which was good, I think he deserved it)

[katydid777]

It has been a hard week for me, but I am making it through.