[hvert]

I feel like I am slipping into the kind of major depression I had 20 years ago. I thought I grew out of it and I am horrified to see that it can come back. Years ago, it just sort of went away on it's own.

I want to stop this before it gets even worse but, well, depression makes that hard.

[T4bbyCat]

Fighting to stay afloat. The worst of it threatens to return at any time.

v stressed these days. tired. sleeping & eating too much.

pain levels are terrible today- my back, my legs, my shoulders, all in a lot of pain.

food wise I feel like I need a real deecent meal.. yesterday I had garlic chicken kiev (which is okay, but I can not stand the smell of garlic!), and I had prawn crackers- which are okay, but none of it was really filling for me. for breakfast today I had bacon, again, nice, but barely much of it.

sleep wise.. I've just not been getting any, not even an hour- it's tough, but also my body is used to it, and because I don't get the signals to my brain to relax... well, yeah

mood wise I guess I'm okay, unmotivated to really do much, but otherwise good

[Sunflower123]

Feeling down today.

[Smileonmyface]

started wellbutrin today in addition to everything else. So many pills. pdoc is still gunning for shock therapy, which i have no idea how i will pull off with my responsibilities at home. depression is the same, bad.

I'm up and down. Still determined to lower my dose of anti depressant. slept all of 2 hours, wow, did I make the right choice? Once i get a week or so in though, I usually feel determined but give in because I lack the sleep I used to have.

Life is throwing me some strange circumstances, but I want to win this battle.

Today was a real nice day for me. I felt like a champ. It seemed everything went right and obstacles got moved away. Felt like Mr. Lucky today.

The big thing was that the pool area is now up and running. I'm very happy about that. I was emailing the HOA about it for almost two weeks and nothing got done. And then I called someone directly and got the result I wanted quickly. I went down there tonight and it was nice.

Also I talked to the woman from downstairs when I got home from work. She went to the hospital last Sunday. Apparently, she was not there very long. She seemed nicer to me than before.

[88Butterfly88]

Possible trigger:

I wish I was dead. I'm hopefully getting a new therapist soon so I won't kill myself.

this morning, I felt the physical age of 107

my back was hurting so much, and I was bent over in pain. more than one time I thought I was going to just " go over", my legs were starting to go too and even before breakfast I had to sit down because the pain was just too much- needless to say I felt very very irritable

my breakfast smelled amazing,, but smells arn't always reliable- it didn't taste as good as it smelled (it was nice, but nothing special), maybe because I as still in pain and couldn't properly enjoy it

then checked my emails and watched recess: the movie (I found it was on, and I rememberd watching recess in the 90's,) it was a nice memory- so that killed an hour

and then I have done nothing for the rest of the day, accept for posting here and listening to the christmas music- still in pain too, (not as much as earlier but still a lot)

mood's good and depression is low

[Smileonmyface]

surprised hubby by saying i will go to a potluck dinner on friday with him and cook something. surprised myself. wrestled with my ocd today a bit. still down. have therapy coming up friday hopefully i don't get sick like my kids. need to go grocery shopping tomorrow.

An OK kind of day at work. One bit of good news is that someone I work with is leaving very soon. He's not a likeable guy at all. So many others don't like him. He's a kind of guy who likes to start trouble. Glad that he's going.

Today was my workout day but I decided not to do it. I felt very bad about myself. It was because I had a funny feeling on my back. I strained my back last Monday when I worked out. As of now, my back feels better.

my positive today is that I tried a candycain for the first time

in all these years i've actually never had one. it tasted good, like a stick of rock from the seaside. I've also sorted my shopping list now, so tomorrow I'll work on ordering it all

I'm not feeling anything special, I'm just going through them otions- of getting breakfast, having a drink, listening to music, doing what ever else I need to do to get through the day.. I don't feel great but don't feel terrible either

just getting by and doing what I need to do

[Fuzzybear]

hugs to all

[Rose76]

I've improved a lot from the state I was recently in. I got a lot of the apartment straightened out and I've gone through some of the piles of paperwork. Tonight I put up the rest of the Christmas decorations.

So I'm doing pretty well, but I feel like I'm walking a tightrope . . . like, if I just look down, I might lose my sense of organization and everything might get jumbled up quickly. It's an anxiety problem, but doing constructive things keeps that bad mindset at bay.

I have to push myself to do things. But I feel so good when I accomplish things on my "to do" list.

I'm actually feeling pretty good. I had a bad night without much sleep and some issues w my car bit I'm ok right now.

[Deilla]

I'm a little stressed out this morning. My online T is suggesting some things that I don't agree with. She's been upsetting me lately. I canceled my subscription today. I have just a few days left. Online therapy for me has been more stressful than it's worth.

honestly I fdeel like ****

most of it's down to the fact I had my shower and that never lifts my mood- just makes me feel gross (seeing my body and stuff just freaks me), and honestly my mood's not been great either.
I've had this " what ever" attitude for the past few days. I did my food shopping today because I had too, but that's all I did- I sat in my bedroom, curtains closed, listening to teacup travels (classical music cd)

you know when your mood's not great when you don't even want light in your room

This morning I set up the auditorium for the Christmas luncheon at work. I felt depressed because I had set up wrong. I felt bad about myself. But it was no big deal. At least they didn't punish me because I was invited for lunch.

I worked out today and it went very well. I was not sure if I should because my back hurt a little bit. I was scared when I worked out. No pains this time!

[Smileonmyface]

didn't go to the potluck last night because oldest's stomach acted up again, but honestly I was kind of relieved not to have to go. Hubby is going out with the girls tonight and I get to stay at home with the baby. Looking forward to the quiet.
stopped wellbutrin because of the insomnia it caused. making some decisions lately that feel good. doing okay.

Did my usual Saturday stuff except with some slight changes. I went grocery shopping after breakfast instead of after lunch. I went to the store that was the closest to where I live this morning and didn't like it as much as the other store I go to after lunch.

After lunch I went looking around for apartments. I don't have to do that now. There was one place I had in mind that I remembered seeing some time ago. When I saw that place, it had appealed to me. I went there today and it didn't seem like something I wanted. So I can nix that place. I went looking at other places but didn't inquire in. Except I met a young couple at a condo complex I was looking at. They told me that only individuals rent out. It's not a rental place. Also it didn't have what I wanted.

Feeling a bit blue right now being at home. It's a very nice day outside - totally clear skies and in the mid-60s. I plan to go on a short bike ride after I take my nap. I had an interrupted sleep early this morning as a cat was making a lot of noise outside and the dogs in the neighborhood were going crazy.

I'm depressed over a 3 year relationship gone wrong. I doubt I'll ever have peace over it. I should force myself to church tomorrow and pray about it. My son seems depressed too.

I've been sat here for the past 15/20 minits wondering what I'm going to say about today (I litirally don't know)

well not really one of the best days- sat here in the dark (now posting on the forum), but before watching tv, and in a lot of chronic pain

can't believe it's sunday and another weekend has passed with very little (none?) activity

what can I say

Possible trigger:

I don't want to be here

and I know sitting here waiting for death isn't really the answer, but what is

Feeling pretty blue this morning. I felt bad when I got up but felt a little bit better after I ate. I'm just doing laundry now.

Last night didn't go very well. Going into last night I felt depressed because I didn't see what I would like for a new place to live. I had planned to wait until the end of February to do something about it, but I may want to leave my place sooner. I went into the pool area and there were people that I was not crazy about. And then I went out after that to take a walk by myself in the downtown area. Not much was going on and it was very silly.

As of now, after I had put my clothes in the dryer and it will take an hour for that, I felt like I went on a wild goose chase just to get a couple of items. Went to one store and they didn't have an item that I wanted. So I had to go to another store (and that particular store I despise - I'm not naming names) and got what I wanted; and paid a lot more than at the other store. That ticked me off. And then as I was at the bottom of the stairs at home (I live on the second floor unit), the people at the unit at the bottom of the stairs had their door opened and their dog barked like crazy at me. Very annoying.

[Rose76]

I'm doing pretty good. I got over that recent tailspin and had a few very good days last week. If I make real headway straightening out the bedroom today, I'll be pretty happy. I got some paperwork to tackle, and doing a reasonable amount on that will keep my morale in a good place. My boyfriend is sleeping a lot. I feel guilty that I don't push him to exercise a little, but he gets mad if I do, so I'm not sure what to do. It seems he continues going downhill, but in real slow motion. That relentless, but gradual, decline is tough to watch. I force him to walk a little. He hates that. I tell him that, if he doesn't, then soon he won't be able to stand. That could mean that I wouldn't be able to manage his care at home. Just writing that brings tears to my eyes.

I was given info a on support group for caregivers. I have to look into that.

This is so bizarre. I'm crying, and I don't even feel depressed. I guess it's just plain sorrow. I will say this: sorrow is far easier to bear than depression. My main hope for him is that he should never know depression, which it seems he has not had a problem with.

When I was just out of high school, I worked in a nursing home. I saw all the awful disabilities that old age can bring. Only one thing really upset me. An alert man who couldn't walk had seemed fairly content. Then he lost his ability to stand and was being moved via a mechanical lift. He seemed crushed by that. Being in the wheelchair he had accepted. But being moved about in a sling seemed to break him. Maybe I read too much into his facial expression, but I believed he was in dispair . . . and felt humiliated. Seeing the new empty expression on his face upset me beyond anything else I had seen. I wished that he had died, instead, or fallen into a coma, or gone completely senile. But his mind was not diminished. I don't remember him having visitors. I thought he was in an awful place mentally - just by the way his expression had changed - like he felt all pride was taken from him. I don't believe I've ever felt as low, mentally, as I believed he felt. This memory still feels like the worst thing I ever witnessed. (If you think of the facial expression and demeanor of severely abused/neglected dogs that are filmed for TV spots raising money for charities like the ASPCA, then that's what I'm trying to describe . . . the look of innocence utterly betrayed and of hope demolished . . . of a sentient being aware only of its fear of existing.) It seems like I went very far in thinking I saw what was in that man's mind. I tell myself that this involved assumption on my part that might have been erroneous. Still, I believe I did interpret correctly what I saw. And it felt heartbreaking to me. I don't want my boyfriend to ever have those feelings that I imagined I saw in that man's face.

Life is hard, and all living things, capable of thought, suffer. I accept that. I'm not usually horrified by the reality of pain in this world. But sometimes I truly am.