Am I making it up in my mind?

This is my first time here, and I feel like..." What am I doing?" I'm fine. Obviously something is telling me I'm not. I use to be suicidal before in 1998. I was sent to a psych. hosp for attempted suicide when I overdosed and passed out and when they found out I was cutting myself on my arms. I used to write how I felt on my arms with knives and box cutters. I have not hurt myself since 2002, and have not even thought about it. However when I thought I was finally getting better I was diagnosed with Cancer at age 20 in 2002. Then everything went upside down again. Doctor's and everyone said I was so lucky that only few get diagnosed early to remove the full cancer mass before it's too late.

For a long time I felt guilty to be living. I still wonder why I didn't die with cancer. When there are countless of people who die from Cancer everyday who appreciate life and never thought of commiting suicide, die and I, who don't care too much for life, why didn't I die and someone else live who would appreciate life more? I question that time to time.

Well, the real reason why I actually signed up is because smetimes I feel like I have a real depression problem, but I always manager to convince everyone I'm fine. No one now would ever think I'm depressed anymore, and everyone who does not know about my suicide attempt history would say I am teh happiest person in the world.

I feel they are wrong and I odn't know what to do. I feel like I have to keep acting happy so people would not judge me or think I'm "crazy" as peopel use to say I was in highschool. I know I'm young and have a whole life in front of me. I know these things, yet I have no desire to do anything or feel like I have anything to look forward to.

It's 3:50am and I have work in 3 hours and I'm here up and spilling my problems, when there are other people that are probably dealing with greater problems than me feeling sorry for myself.

I don't know if I feel sorry for myself or am I really depressed. I was always diagnosed with depression but I always managed to convince them they are wrong and I am fine.

Many times I'd go to a therapist or counselor and I'll find my self getting no help, except for the fact that I feel even worse when I come out.

My family is the type to say any weaknesses do not show to anyone. When I tried to confront about me being possibly depressed tehy said everyone is, it's normal, it's life so deal with it.

Plus my father is not supportive at all when I said I was in a mental hospital for attempted suicide he got extremely upset and said I was an embarrassment and he wished I actually would do it because he is ashamed of me of being so weak. Stating that the weak should not take up space for stronger people. I havce not spoke to him about any of my problems nor show any emotions towards him.

Plus the past two years I have not done anything positive or done anything to better my life yet just move from job to job, enroll in school then drop out. It seems like an endless cycle that keeps repeating. I can't keep a relationship because my ex said I never finish what I start and that I sit around for some fantasy life to occur. He said that he really thinks there might be something wrong with me, depression, add, bi polar? He thinks I have everything, I know he is not a doctor or even nearly qualified yet I feel I might be all of things he suggested. I guess in a way I rather not know. But I find myself having ups and downs like crazy!!! I'm happy one moment and all of a sudden I just do not care to live.

I feel like I'm taking up too much time if anyone even bothered to read all of this, I guess I just wanted to write something. Maybe I'm not depressed ... maybe this is all in my mind...

Hi, I can relate to your situation because I also was telling myself that I was fine for a long time. However when I finally sat down and was honest with myself, my counselor and my hubby I realized that I am depressed. There are a lot of online quizzes that can help you to assess your emotional well being. I just started taking Paxil and if I did tell anyone that I was taking it they would be very surprised. It is easier sometimes to just pretend everything is ok rather than facing the issues. I realized that I needed to face things if I wanted things to get better.

I can only relate to the sad tone in your post. I am sad too, but I am not chronically depressed.

Here are my two cents: You have a heavy load to carry around and it cannot go without side-effects. But therapy or counseling is not the only place to get help, specially if is has not worked for you.

One suggestion I can think of is a support group. Cancer Survivors support group. It is different than Cancer Patients support group. They deal with life and death issues from another perspective, they also deal with a different kind of grief, sort of unique, and I am sure will touch on things you might be going through.

I don't know where you are at, otherwise I'd give you a phone number for you to call, just in case you are interested.

Good luck to you.

gab

Hi!

Glad to see you made it here, Welcome.

Congratulations on not self mutilating since 2002 that is great also I am glad to hear you defeated your battle with Cancer, even though you have mixed feelings about it.

To me, through what I have experienced in guilt and still battle it, over something good happening and stuff, can very well be some 'learned' behavior or feelings from what you spoke of your Fathers ideas on these matters. I think you made a wise choice by not talking to you father about these issues based on what you shared of his view of the 'weak'.

I would say that if you could find a Therapist you can really open up to and be honest with and you yourself feeling comfortable with, then that would be the best option, in my oppinion. Professional help when facing these forever changes of mood, thoughts and feeling 'crazy' is the way to go. If the Therapist feels you to see a Phychiatrist then working with the T and the Pdoc, is the way to answers, as far a specific diagnosis and treatment options, on a professional level in the Mental Health Services.

I am glad you shared and came for support and do hope you continue to come back and share in how you are doing. Your life is worth living- have a good day!-Chris

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~KRIS~

If you think you have totally gave up, you haven't, because you are here!