[qwerty68]

Tried to make friends, failed. Was even told by two people(not here) that I should give it up and find another path to happiness. I don't think they are wrong. Boring ugly stupid worthless super fat piece of crap and many more words and phrases accurately describe me.

It just sucks, I wish I could go back 9 months ago where I never felt lonely. The only people that will talk to me are my realtor and interior designer, which despite wishing for a true friendship seems impossible. Not dating, just friends. Can't do it because I suck. The only other person is a cashier that seems to enjoy making me feel awkward. I guess she is bored but at least she will talk to me like I am an actual person, which is probably her biggest joke.


Every day I wake up in a panic attack for no reason at all. And I wake early, which is bad because I usually don't fall asleep until after 4. I end up having to take a nap where I don't really sleep, just stress and shake inside.

So I barely do anything at all the past few weeks. Mowing my lawn is a grand achievement. Yeah

I had a little accident a few weeks ago and hurt my ribs and got a minor concussion bouncing my head off the street. All of the symptoms of both have come back in the past few days which really sucks but makes me happy. Hurts to breathe, massive headaches that are strangely different from my chronic migraine and tension headaches. Lots of pressure in my head too. I just don't feel right and perhaps it is a good thing.

I gave my daughter a list of things to do when I am gone. Like getting the VA to dispose of me for free and sell my house. I have only had it for 5 months and it has increased in value at least $20k so at least they can get a little money out of my worthless life.


It is not that I am going to kill myself. Sadly, I know I will not. I have SI everyday but have had that for over 20 years but this accident might be a happy way out without causing undue stress on my children and grandchildren.


I just hope I can see them all which I am planning a road trip tomorrow to see my other daughter and her kids. I can't see myself making it back. I just see darkness but I can see me hugging my grandkids one more time so that is good.

My paranoia and psychosis is getting worse but I am not sure if I really have those. When my daughter or granddaughter are here my symptoms are minimal at worse. When I am alone there are ghosts and demons everywhere in my house. Making noises, shaking the house and all sorts of fun things.


When I say I don't feel right, I think it may be the death of me. I am not sure if I am that lucky and am just hoping for something that will not happen anytime soon. After all, I don't know if I have suffered enough to make up for being a worthless pile of crap.


I don't seem to have any purpose at all anymore so why bother? I think I might have used to have value but not anymore. I can't work, aren't well enough to volunteer, been so bad my daughter and granddaughter are rarely here and they live here! So I don't have to watch and spend time with my sweet little granddaughter nearly as much. Maybe not even 1/4 of what I used to.

Sorry for any typos or word salad

[mote.of.soul]

Hang in there qwerty68, and try not to give power to those negative self thoughts, please. From what I've experienced, from what I know, it just keeps fanning the flames of the depressions and anxieties. You can find value or meaning in your life again. I hope your health's okay too. Try to stay positive so you can make it back from your road trip. Have a nice drive, enjoy the scenery!

[Hobbit House]

I’m sorry that someone would be so crass as to tell you that you can’t make friends on this site! My wife made a friend on this site years ago, and they still email back and fourth. Feel free to pm me any time you want to talk. I truly hope that things will get better for you.

[Skeezyks]

[MtnTime2896]

It's not real life, but I consider you my friend. In fact, you're one of the first friends I made here. I don't know what to say that'll really help you. But you aren't alone in loneliness, if that makes sense. I'm feeling a bit better, sure, but loneliness is still so prevalent in my mind. It's exhausting and carries a specific type of despair. I hope nothing happens to you, my friend. And, somehow, I hope you find peace.

[qwerty68]

tl;dr I am sadly alive and stressed past where I should be. To quote Hank Hill: "They are putting stress on a structure that isn't up to code to begin with."

I have a second to breathe before diving back into the chaos so I wanted to update here because I was having somewhat dark thoughts and there might be one or two people here who might want to know if I am gone or not. Maybe.

I did take that trip and had a wonderful time with my grandson who is doing really well and is going to be released soon. I even got to take my three year old granddaughter(his sister) along so it was even more fun.


I also got to bring her back home with me which is the only reason I made it back. It is a scary big mountain pass and it was dark, wet and very foggy. Plus truck drivers are insane. If she wasn't with me I would have let that truck hit me.

Just a few days later my dad had a massive heart attack. He was at the dentist office when it happened which is the only reason he made it to the hospital. The odds were bad but 2 stents(with less then 50% odds he would survive it) and a pacemaker later he is doing really well. It has been three weeks ago today but he is up and walking around and it is difficult to get him to hold back a little so he doesn't do too much.

I wish I were half as strong as my father. He is amazing. He had a leaky heart valve in 2006 and needed open-heart surgery and was doing yard work just a few weeks later. In 2012, he had a stroke and got back to about 90% with really only his speech affected. I get shut down by literally nothing.


If that wasn't enough, my granddaughter that lives with me was briefly kidnapped the same day my dad had his heart attack. Luckily, it only lasted 20 minutes and it doesn't seem to affect her at all. She was so excited to tell me about it. The creep got away but the cops really are on it and it is only a matter of time. He has been racking up even more charges since then and has an extensive record so hopefully his time free will end forever soon.

Of course, my whole family showed up for my dad which is good and bad. I do love them and have a close relationship with them but I have 7 opinionated strong-willed sisters(is there any other kind?). They decided the way they would keep busy and their minds on something else is to focus on me and my lack of a life. Which added so much more stress. They know or should know I am an ugly, worthless sack of crap with no ability to even find a friend much less anything else. Two of them even tried to push me to go international and look around the world, especially China. Because one has a friend that apparently had great success. As if that would work for me. I doubt I look good to anyone regardless how bleak their situation is and she showed me lots of pictures and wow, they could easily do better than me. Plus, I am so socially inept I wouldn't know if they were sincere or not. I could probably pay to bring someone over(barely) but that is pretty high risk I think. grrr

All I want is peace and go back to not being lonely and they are not helping!


I also live the closest to my parents and I am a loser and can't work so the responsibility is mine to help them out. I truly don't mind but it is a lot for me. I am trying to take care of my new house and now them and their huge house on 2 acres of grass to mow. I am spending so much time and money going back and forth because my daughter also needs me. I am the only person she can rely on to help her with my granddaughter, getting her to and from school and watching her. 2 of my sisters are close enough that they can relieve me once in a while but one has elementary school aged kids and the other has 3 special needs adult children.

[MtnTime2896]

I don't think you're worthless.

((((qwerty))))

I'm glad you're alive, just wish you weren't in so much pain.

Hang in there. Sometimes hard times we go through lead to amazing things we hadn’t even dreamed would come into our lives. ❤️

[waterknob1234]

Hi qwerty 68. My, but you have had a lot of stuff going on. I will be your friend and you can pm me any time. I don't understand why some heartless fool told you that you could never make friends. And don't feel alone about weight. I am so fat that one of my diagnoses on my medical chart is obesity.

You may feel worthless but you are not. Sometimes life feels so hard to get through, but you are still here for a reason. You have a purpose. A sweet granddaughter needs you, and your dad needs you.

I will keep you in my heart and in my prayers.

The thing about mental illness is, it lies to us. Imagine your daughter or grand daughter saying those things about themselves. I imagine you would tell them that is far from the truth. Though I dont know you, I believe its the same in your case. It's how you feel, but that doesnt make it true.

I hope you will one day reach the point where you see your worth. It most definitely is there. Until then, just put one foot in front of the other.

[MickeyCheeky]

You don't deserve this suffering.

[qwerty68]

Originally Posted by 2Loquacious

The thing about mental illness is, it lies to us. Imagine your daughter or grand daughter saying those things about themselves. I imagine you would tell them that is far from the truth.

I would say that because for them it would not be true. Thank you for responding, I do consider every viewpoint but sometimes takes me a bit to digest it.

[qwerty68]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I don't think you're worthless.

((((qwerty))))

I'm glad you're alive, just wish you weren't in so much pain.

Thank you, you are so amazing. Always there with kindness. I hope you know how loved you are here.

[qwerty68]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

You don't deserve this suffering.

Oh but I do and much more and it is coming for me. Things get worse and worse.

I had to bow out and drove home for a couple of days(my parents are about 3 hours away) to decompress and reassess things. This really upset a few of my sisters, especially one that I think has gotten a bit of PTSD. She has refused to leave my dads side for more than an hour every few days and has witnessed so many horrible things in the past month such as repeated shocks and is showing symptoms of PTSD.

She is upset that I had to leave to help watch my granddaughter and recharge a little. I am not sure she understands. I don't see her a lot and she remembers me mostly pre-psychosis. I did used to be a very happy-go-lucky laid-back guy that never got stressed about anything. I am the opposite of that now. I was able to calm her down, I have always been good at doing that for my wonderful and energetic but very emotional sister.

I know it is stressing out my mom. With my sisters obsessively looking after my dad while he recovers in a rehab center(his balance is about as bad as it was when he had his stroke but is improving daily) I have been helping my mom manage her life, house and huge yard, which is much easier on me but I am not there to help for a few days. So the fact that I am a useless psychotic piece of garbage is making life harder for the one person I am supposed to be helping.

It has been a very bad 15 months or so:


My tinnitus got way worse leading to a MRA scan which showed a possible tumor that would lead to deafness, facial paralysis or death. MRI showed nothing about my tumor so that was good but it showed my sinuses are messed up and that I am missing things inside my nose and sinuses look wrecked and they have a small chance of collapsing. I am a bit of a hypochondriac so that doesn't help. Even if all of that doesn't happen, the tinnitus is maddening.

Foolishly bought a house leading to several issues. 1. Massive stress all day and night and wake with an anxiety attack nearly every day since. 2. Needing to spend horrible amounts of money on upgrades and maintenance. 3. Got used to being around people so I feel lonely for the first time in at least 15 years. Haven't dated in 16 years and my last friend was in 2009 when I was a grad student and he moved away. So I foolishly tried to find friends and failed spectacularly because I am a worthless sack of crap and uglier than said crap. My sisters bugging me about dating and marriage is just making it worse.


My sweet and awesome grandson who is 7 mysteriously got serious mental issues and is in a juvenile ward about 6 hours away. It is killing me although he is doing awesome and back to normal and will be out in a few weeks. So a little light between my dad and grandson at least.

My granddaughter who was briefly kidnapped on the same day my dad had a heart attack is starting to be affected. She is having nightmares and anxiety about being in cars. She is in counseling in school and the therapist says a delayed reaction is normal and is processing things in a healthy way. So a bit more light.

There are a few other things causing stress in my life that has to do with her mom but in the grand scheme of things is minor but causes endless stress on top of stress.

Plus everything mentioned earlier in this thread and of course I turned 50 last monday. I can pass for mid to late thirties but I feel 70. So much physical pain from injuries from the military. Plus, half a century old and a total failure with no value at all.


Dealing with all this on 2-3 hours of sleep, not only do I have MH issues, I am seizure and both migraine and tension headaches. I end up sleeping on an air mattress which is causing bursitis and sciatica if all the above wasn't enough.

Possible trigger:

I had a plan that felt good involving a dumpster and about a thousand various pills and tried to leave my parents house so I could come home and get it done.

Now it is hard to do it because I have to get my granddaughter to school in a few hours and then pick her up and I let slip my plans to another sister so I am being watched like a hawk. I guess my mom needs my help for a few weeks but this is always how it goes. I was going to do it in 2000 but my kids unexpectedly showed up. I was going to do it when my youngest turned 18 but my other daughter was pregnant and the worthless dad bailed so she really needed me. She doesn't anymore and neither does my youngest and then all this other stuff.

I apologize for failing, the world would have been a better place.

It is like the universe is conspiring to keep my loser butt here and suffering. It is bad enough it won't let me leave, it piles on more crap almost daily.

I do deserve it being the horrible loser, waste of oxygen that I am but it still feels unfair somehow. I am somehow completely alone yet still needed. What is that?

I know this is a pathetic 'woe is me' post. Feel free to ignore, mock, block or ban me. I deserve it.

[downandlonely]

I don't know you, but I don't think all the stuff you're saying about yourself is true. You help out your family, including your sick parents, children, and grandchildren. Would a worthless piece of garbage do that? I think not.

For example, my brother is seriously mentally ill and needs to be taken care of about 24/7. But I don't do anything for him. I live 1000 miles away and only go home for a week around Christmas. Even then, I avoid him as much as possible. Does that make me a worthless piece of garbage? If you think not, then you're not one either.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry to hear your story. You're not worthless nor a loser; you're trying to give your best shot at life, and I think you're a wonderful human being.

[MtnTime2896]

You're so much more than what your mind forces you to think. You have MDD and on top of that you have psychotic features, and to add to that you're dealing with so much stress right now. If I was in your position I would crumble. I agree with above, a worthless piece of garbage wouldn't care to help his family the way you do. You're a rock for your daughters. My dad and I didn't always have the best relationship, but I've always needed him in my life. I mean, of course I do, he's my dad and my strength when I'm weak. Your grandkids sound like they need you just as much. I'm not saying this for any other reason than to argue with your illness. And damn it, I'll argue 'til I'm blue and after. I care about you, too my friend. You being on this site has helped me and I'm sure has helped other (especially because of how relatable your story is).

[Fuzzybear]