[Amanda31]

Nothing is bad in my life right now, I have a good job and a great boyfriend. I just can’t shake this feeling when I get upset, I want to die. It can’t be normal to think like this. I’ve been through some rough things in my life buts that’s over, everything is fine now. Except I just cannot control my emotions. I’m sensitive and I get very sad. I also hit myself sometimes, sounds crazy I know. I have some kind of self hate that I can’t get rid of. I don’t know what to do for help. I thought of making an appointment with I don’t even know what kind of doctor would help. I don’t want to take medicine, that scares me that I would become dependent. I smoke weed to cope, but since I have gotten a good job I try to quit. But my emotions just eat out of control and I want to just be high all the time. I’m just here looking for advice. My friends and family don’t know I feel this way, I don’t want to tell them, I’m embarrassed and scared

[mote.of.soul]

Hi Amanda31, welcome to PC.

Yes, I can understand the feeling of not wishing to tell friends and family about these kinds of things, it's understandable. And also, you're not alone in having these deep rooted self hatreds and desires to die, as well. A lot of people on this site know just what you mean. I myself can relate and am at a stage of starting to address it somehow, and so far I've concluded that counseling is probably a good course of action to take. Not only that but reading about other peoples experiences helps me as well, in the sense of not feeling so isolated within myself. YouTube videos of peoples mental health struggles are another thing that bring a sense of determination to overcome or at least continue to address it, too. So, those are a few suggestions of my own.

All the best Amanda31, and a warm welcome to PC. Keep reaching out please. You can crack this.

[Fuzzybear]

Welcome to pc

[SlumberKitty]

Hi! Welcome to PC! I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. Have you ever tried therapy? It has been helpful to me.

[Wild Coyote]

Welcome to PC.

I hope you find the information and the support you may be seeking.
Please do jump in and make yourself at home.
I hope to see you around the forums.


WC

[Skeezyks]

Hello Amanda: Since this is your first post, here on PC, welcome to PsychCentral.

You mentioned thinking about going to a doctor but not wanting to get on medications. Perhaps seeing a mental health therapist would be another option? You would have the opportunity to talk through, at-length & in-depth, what is bothering you. At least from my perspective, one of the most difficult aspects of struggling with the kinds of thoughts you're struggling with is not having any way to talk them through, which means that they just keep cycling through your consciousness over-&-over again. Talking your thoughts through might help to put them to rest. And, at least to my mind, you can't do this with friends or relatives. They don't know what to say and, besides, they have their own problems.

If, on the other hand, you also don't want to see a therapist either, other practices you could try might include meditation & journaling. There's also a practice that is referred to as "compassionate abiding" which might be helpful. (It's actually my own go-to practice for these kinds of intrusive thoughts.) Here's a link to a description of the practice:

Relieve Distress By Allowing It: Compassionate Abiding 101 | Mindset: Perspective Is Everything

One other thing... you mentioned feeling as though you are highly sensitive. There is such as a thing as being a highly sensitive person. Here are links to 4 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of the highly sensitive person along with a selection of 6 additional articles I thought might be of some help to you:

What Makes a Highly Sensitive Person?

Are You a Highly Sensitive Person? | Happily Imperfect

10 Tips for Highly Sensitive People

More Coping Tips for Highly Sensitive People

https://psychcentral.com/lib/depress...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-hea...of-journaling/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/using-...o-reclaim-joy/

https://psychcentral.com/find-therapist/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/10-way...ood-therapist/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

[Fuzzybear]

[12AM]

You don’t want to take medicines as you might become dependent on them yet you’re using weed to cope? Don’t you think people can be dependent on weed as well? Something to think about.

As for “there’s nothing bad happens right now but when I’m upset I want to die”, sadly that’s how depression works. Clinical depression is not the same with situational one, it doesn’t need reasons, it just happens. I’m sorry you have to go through this

[Amanda31]

Originally Posted by 12AM

You don’t want to take medicines as you might become dependent on them yet you’re using weed to cope? Don’t you think people can be dependent on weed as well?

Yes I have definitely become dependent on it and I have stopped, though I always seem to relapse. Dealing with my emotions is much harder without it. I seem to have an addictive personality, as it’s hard for me to have just 1 glass of wine or 1 cup of coffee, or 1 candy bar....I always want more. The amount I was smoking was way too much. A very expensive habit but it takes my worries away and I just sleep my life away. I’m scared to take meds because I know I would become dependent. I’m sure for some people it’s the right choice, but for me I’m very hesitant.

[12AM]

Originally Posted by Amanda31

Yes I have definitely become dependent on it and I have stopped, though I always seem to relapse. Dealing with my emotions is much harder without it. I seem to have an addictive personality, as it’s hard for me to have just 1 glass of wine or 1 cup of coffee, or 1 candy bar....I always want more. The amount I was smoking was way too much. A very expensive habit but it takes my worries away and I just sleep my life away. I’m scared to take meds because I know I would become dependent. I’m sure for some people it’s the right choice, but for me I’m very hesitant.

Ah I see, that must be so hard If you’re hesitant to take meds how about doing therapy instead? Talk therapy like CBT can teach you some coping skills in how to manage your depression.

[Fuzzybear]

I’m very hesitant about meds too

“Meds for life” which is touted around... for me personally this is very scary

[MickeyCheeky]

I agree about hiring a therapist, it sounds like you have depression