Falling

It’s been a hell of a week. And I am struggling to cope. The last few weeks I have not been feeling good anyway. The suicidal thoughts are creeping back in, I’m finding it hard to stick with my meds, I’m getting urges to self harm, urges to drink. My head is trying to make me hit the self destruct button and I’m trying to fight it, it’s exhausting though.

On top of this my partner is in crisis too, with added psychosis for good measure. I ended up having to take Tuesday off of work so I could try to get her help. We were met with a million hurdles (thanks NHS and Tories for the lack of funding...) and while everyone including us has agreed she needs to be admitted right now they still haven’t managed to find her a bed. So yeah, it’s been stressful.

This weekend I had to send her over to her parents’ so they could look after her, as I have been working and was not allowed to take more time off. And since she’s not here those self destructive thoughts are a lot louder. Those urges to cut and to drink and to skip meds are so much stronger. I feel like I am just going to fall apart at any moment. I really don’t know how long I can stay strong, I feel so weak and exhausted right now. I just want to give in. To the drink. To the blade. Would it really be so bad? It used to help. It would release some of the ****, calm me a bit, make it so I could cope for longer.

I just don’t know anymore. I hate this.

I'm sorry your week has been such a struggle--it really does sound stressful. I don't keep alcohol in my house anymore. Do you? I think it really helps if you can get rid of all the temptations. Perhaps buy precut vegtables or only keep the kind of knife you wouldn't want to cut yourself with. I am listening to music right now (I'm feeling a little depressed). It helps. Hugs

You've come so far from just months ago, my friend. The progress you've made is something to hold onto.

At the same time, yeah I get those urges. It's so hard to deny them. So hard to fight when people in your corner are gone (for whatever the reason).

I do know something, though. When your gf gets out of this current situation and is back with you, she's gonna want to know that you've kept yourself safe. She's gonna want to know that her episode didn't cause you to have your own. She wants the best for you. Try to combat the thoughts with what she would say to you.

I wish I had better advice. Message me anytime.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, but I'm not sure what to say that would help. Try to stay safe.

I don’t have any advice...I wanted to offer my support if I can be of any help at any time. I’m really sorry you are struggling. You are in my thoughts and prayers if that is ok.

No, don't hurt yourself. Don't hurt yourself. That isn't the answer, as tempting as it seems.

no advice I’m afraid. Just empathy. You’re a strong fecker just for keeping going.
You never know - you might just find that med combo or treatment that gives you some respite.
Good luck.

Thank you for your kind words everyone. I am trying to stay strong. Só leigheas, you are right, and my care coordinator said much the same. It’s a struggle, but so far I’ve managed to hold out. We are still waiting for a bed to become available, it’s been a week now.

((((whisperingskye)))) I'm so sorry you're struggling so much. I admire how strong you are. Please, try to hang on. Hopefully your partner will be admitted soon and you'll be feeling a litte less stressed. Try to hang on to that. And remember that you're stronger than you think you are

(((((whisperingskye))))) I am so sorry you are struggling so much, here's some virtual hugs, sounds like you need them

****ing NHS. That's all I have to say.

((((whisperingskye))))

((((whisperingskye))))

She has a bed finally. Thanks everyone for the support. It’s been a really rough week. I’m just trying to relax and destress from it all.

Glad to hear she has a bed. (((gentle hugs for you)))

(((((whisperingskye))))) I'm glad she has a bed, look after yourself

****ing n.s. Grrrrrrrrrr

(((((( hugs ))))))))

Visited my partner this evening and she seems to be doing ok. She seemed a bit brighter today which was nice to see. I’m glad she is finally getting the help she so desperately needed.

As for me, I’m doing ok. I’m managing those self destructive urges and they seem to have lessened a bit for now, apart from the urge to drink anyway. That is still strong. Trying very hard to not throw my three months sober time away, just not sure if I will manage.

Partner is already starting to worry about me as last time she wasn’t doing good I ended up taking an overdose not long after. So yeah, there’s a very real risk things could deteriorate, and fast. I’m just trying to take each day as it comes.