Went to work today, even though many didn't show up. They were figuring that today is a holiday. But they took a one-day PTO. Well, that's a nice way to get a little more time off than a two-day weekend. It was busier today than I thought it would be, so that was helpful to me emotionally. Feeling so-so today. At least I slept much better last night than the night before.

I worked out after work and added more weight for the workout. It still went very well. Hey, I may add some more very soon!

[Deilla]

Feeling a little hopeful this morning. That's much better than yesterday. Will try to do things to help me feel even better today. It's the weekend. I want to enjoy it!

[Rose76]

Hard making myself do anything.

Even though Saturday is my favorite day of the week, it wasn't a good day for me today. Well, it could have been worse, but it certainly was not a feel-good day.

I ended up getting two unexpected bills that cost about $215. One was from the IRS because they said I made an error in my calculation in filing my taxes and the other was from the place I live at. Funny thing is that, since I came into some money after selling my place, I have been getting unexpected bills. I think that there's some kind of radar out there on me.

I just sent an email back to my friend from college. He thanked me for calling him last week. I called him last week because I wanted to wish him a happy birthday but couldn't get though to him to leave a message. When we talked last week he mentioned an ex-friend of mine; and that upset me. So when I wrote back to him just now, I told him that I'd rather not hear about that guy.

I had a good day for a change. Forgot about a little lake not far from here, so enjoyed a swim, was up early. My son sounds like he has a home for while so that's a load off my mind, in a way. He sounded better on the phone today.

[Rose76]

My bf went to the ER by ambulance. I don't think it's anything really big, but he's very confused today. MD called and said they will admit him. I guess I better get over there. I really just want to go to bed.

Something's wrong with me mentally. I'm tired of emergency rooms. It's like I suddenly don't even care. This is a new kind of depression. No sadness. I just have lost all interest in anything. The main thing to remember is that this is likely a temporary state of mind.

[3rd rock]

Even the thought of returning to work makes me have a minor panic attack, including chest pains and some difficulty breathing. I was subjected to bullying at work, particularly from a supervisor. There's a very strong culture of bullying there. I don't have to return to work for another few months. But it makes me feel like I'm trapped, with no way out. I can't find another job because there aren't any other jobs in my hometown that pay well enough.

I'm writing more again, though. I keep hoping my earnings from writing will take off, and it keeps not happening. I've only made about $400 each of the past two months, not even 1/4 of what I need to live. Oh well.

[Sunflower123]

Yesterday was so bad that I had to go to bed at 5:30 pm for my own safety. I’m working on neuroplasticity where you retrain your brain to form different neural pathways (to stop the SI). Very slow going and seeing no progress as yet. Tired of the seesaw and feeling foolish that I’m not controlling this better.

Warm wishes and hugs to all.

I asked to have my thyroid meds increased a few weeks ago. I think it's helping my depression. I smiled and laughed for the first time in many months this last week.

[Rose76]

I have to get going to the hospital. He's doing pretty good. I rested today and feel better than yesterday.

Not much of a day today. I went to try out a church near me and I hadn't been to one in a while. I left it right away just after I got in. I didn't like the music that they were playing. The place didn't seem like a right fit for me.

I took a bike ride for two hours and 35 minutes. It seems like it's more difficult for bike riding in my area than the last place I was at. Now it's more like inner city riding, whereas before it was suburban which is easier to ride in.

I felt down when I got back from my bike ride. I was hoping that my friend would come to visit today, but no dice. And then there was a possibility that someone whom is on a discussion board I go on was going to come in my area and we'd get together. It turns out that he's not going to be able to make it.

Another dull weekend with some mishaps. I hope things get better soon but I don't know if they ever will. Perhaps I'm living in the "good 'ole days" right now, meaning that's how I will feel in the future.

I am empty and, well, no difference between being dead or alive for me. haven't done anything this weekend just lay in bed struggling to get up. really dreading the week ahead, can't deal with life at all right now.

[Rose76]

I'm awful tired. What I've been doing has me ready to crack up. Things have got to change. Sad being home alone. But it's a break from round the clock need just consuming me.

[MrsA]

Can anyone clarify what just happened? I took out the trash not long ago and there is a constantly angry person in my family. She took out a new trash bag and before she put it in the empty trash can, she muttered a venomous "****ing s**t." It happens all the time like when she is just walking or getting a drink. It seems she can't even make herself coffee without some aspect of the coffee making process triggering a toxic hate-filled expletive. What bothers me is that I know it is meant for me to hear. The farther away I am the louder she says it. If I'm on the other side of the house she screams curses in my direction. I keep telling myself that she is just soiling herself with her stupid behavior but it makes me feel down to have to keep hearing it. This person has accused me forcing her to make every life decision she regrets so I know when she spills a bit of sugar and curses in my direction she is blaming me for the fact that she lives in a home that is messy because she doesn't clean up after herself and she is pissed that she doesn't have servants to make coffee for her. She then leaves spilt sugar on the floor and will have a tantrum later because she lives in a home with a dirty floor. Does anyone have rational explanation for this behavior?

[3rd rock]

I would like to quit my job and go live in a small town in the far north and never come back to this miserable city.

[Rose76]

I now have to take care of me. I'm a little sick physically today. Just too much stress.

I can't keep doing like I've been. That's clear now.

Today was a draggy day. Very slow at work and not much interaction with others. It feels like interacting with others is fading out for me. I'm wondering if the people at where I live are getting sick of me. They seemed nicer when I first moved in. I guess that song, "There's A New Kid In Town" by the Eagles is fitting for me. Except for the romance part.

I worked out after work and it went well. At first it felt like there were more weights put on, but there were not. At least I feel better with myself after working out. I'm feeling like I am all that I have for me.

[3rd rock]

Well, I've got an EEG scheduled for later this month. I wonder if they'll find anything. Probably not. The last EEG I had about ten years ago found nothing, although that was before the chronic depression worsened to the extent that, well, I don't really want to say. All I know from the MRI is that there are no structural abnormalities, e.g. no brain tumours.

depressed, depressed, depressed.

the last few days litirally have given me nothing to smile about, and yesterday was so pointless it was hardly worth getting up for

(the only reason I did get up is that I can't sleep.)

[Spirit of Trees]

I feel better, but can't tell if my improvement will be lasting.

[downandlonely]

I hope it does last @Spirit of Trees.

Lately I've been going to bed really early and waking up really early. Which would be ok except there is stuff in the evenings I would like to do.

I didn't sleep well last night because I got blowing my nose all night. Feeling blue for today and that's it.

[Deilla]

Feeling hopeful today. I see my med provider this morning. Will try to do the best I can while preparing to leave the house. I would rather stay home today. But I will reward myself for going. Maybe some nice Mexican.

I'm doing the best I can to take better care of my health. I found out I've been taking my thyroid medication wrong all these years, so the way I'm taking them now seems to make a difference. I never really thought enough about how that one thing can can make a difference. I had Graves' Disease at 24, so that's a lot of years on a med than should help with weight and even brain activity. My depression could be partly because of low thyroid. Otherwise I thought I was doing good but I can't seem to do the right things or say the right things to make someone understand what I need, or to make them happy. Getting blown up at and not understanding what I did wrong seems to happen a lot to me.

[Rose76]

I'm managing. That's enough. Just one day at a time.

Wish I didn't tire out so fast.