[Spirit of Trees]

I've had some good days lately.

I'm feeling better, I think I had low thyroid.

[Deilla]

Doing Okay tonight. The day flew by. I was mainly busy with my art work. Had a lot of fun. A little tired now. I think I might read.

Back to work after a pretty dull weekend. It was kind of nice to be back to work even though it was pretty slow. This morning, when I got up, I felt very dizzy with some sweating and slightly nauseous. I don't know what was happening to me. At least I felt better after breakfast, but dealing with a headache all day and even now.

My friend called and said that he would like to spend some time with me at my place tomorrow around 6PM. That's very unusual. He told me that his wife and daughter are going to a show tomorrow, which is near where I live. If it happens I hope it will work out OK. It's very hard for me to have guests at my place on weekdays. I prefer guests on the weekends.

Struggling. Feel tired and unreal. Every day the pull towards suicide gets stronger.

[mountainstream]

Depressed.

I'm telling myself that I'm just sad tonight. The depression is not coming back.

[Deilla]

Struggling. I was triggered by my mother and now I'm completely miserable. I'm upset at myself, her and my world. Trying to snap out of it. Need to stay far away from her in the future.

[3rd rock]

Experiencing a great deal of pain. Haven't had much success recently. In May and June I made quite a bit of money, by my standards, from writing, but things seem to have fallen back to their normal low. I have nothing to live for but the hope of future success in the one thing I'm good at, and I'm not even very good at it.

Terrible things have been happening to me and no one is listening.

I feel my friend doesn’t know me or remember things I tell him. And it’s been such a hard time.

[Rose76]

I'm doing pretty good, except for morning depression.

[3rd rock]

Phone call from my employer, who I'm on leave from. Went to voicemail. Intensely afraid of checking it. It's probably just them wanting an update on my status although there's no change.

[3rd rock]

After hitting 150,000 words on my current project, I'm just going to take a day off. I'll still do some work, I just won't make any effort to hit my daily goal of 2,000 words.

A real down day today for me. I was told by the manager at where I live that I would have to pay the rent by Cashier's Check for the next three months since I had those rejects in paying online twice. It's not really her making that decision, it's the Management's call. It makes me feel like I'm being punished or on probation. Well at least the Cashier's Check doesn't cost anything to use, but it's an inconvenience. I'd rather pay by regular check. I paid the rent twice by my checking account and there was never a problem. It was that unexpected expense that caused the problem.

And then at work a new "Work Order" system came out. I thought it was for me to use but it turned out that it was for others. I still had to use the old format. I had struggled with doing a Work Order with the new format. I felt like such an idiot.

So twice I have felt like an idiot or losing my mind because of at home and at work with procedures. I haven't had this kind of problem before or in a very long time. Scary! You would think that I should beat myself up about this. Well, I did!

im miserable.

[Tkb1966]

I have no idea how to start a new thread. My brain is not wanting to focus. I haven't been on here in a while. I was diagnosed bp1 in 2006. But my main symptoms is depression which since 2015 I've been unmedicated except for lamictal which I want to stop taking but just haven't. I've been on every medication made it seems and they all have very negative side effects so I decided to just quit. I would rather face the frequent depression as bad as it is than the negative symptoms of medication. Anyway why I came here tonight is I'm hyped up, irritated, quick tempered with my family, saying things I shouldn't, no patience with my 83 year old mother who is my best friend. I even made her cry the other day, which I have never done . I never have been comfortable saying or believing that I am bp. Maybe I just don't get it, or in denial. I have MI in my family.. what is this? Is feeling like you've had way too much caffeine, irritability and all the other things I listed bp? I hate when I get like this. Depression just hurts me, but this hurts my loved ones
Can't sleep. Anyone have help?

Originally Posted by Tkb1966

I have no idea how to start a new thread. My brain is not wanting to focus. I haven't been on here in a while. I was diagnosed bp1 in 2006. But my main symptoms is depression which since 2015 I've been unmedicated except for lamictal which I want to stop taking but just haven't. I've been on every medication made it seems and they all have very negative side effects so I decided to just quit. I would rather face the frequent depression as bad as it is than the negative symptoms of medication. Anyway why I came here tonight is I'm hyped up, irritated, quick tempered with my family, saying things I shouldn't, no patience with my 83 year old mother who is my best friend. I even made her cry the other day, which I have never done . I never have been comfortable saying or believing that I am bp. Maybe I just don't get it, or in denial. I have MI in my family.. what is this? Is feeling like you've had way too much caffeine, irritability and all the other things I listed bp? I hate when I get like this. Depression just hurts me, but this hurts my loved ones
Can't sleep. Anyone have help?

I'm sorry you're struggling. Have you thought about something to help you sleep? I know how I get without it, and yes it's like getting irritable and confused for me. There are natural things to start with, like cammomile tea, essential lavender oil, or melatonin. Getting enough sleep is important. Do you have a doctor to talk to about this?

After a year of working at this place and now leaving, I have no friendships. No one I will stay in contact with.

What is wrong with me?

I am breaking apart

[penguinh]

I think I need to return to therapy but I'm afraid my therapist might reject me because the last time we tried Skype therapy sessions, it did not end well and he said he didn't want to do it again.

Possible trigger:

I am scared. I cannot stop thinking about suicide as a rational choice to be made. I've never thought of suicide in this way... devoid of any emotions. It scares me.

I already made an appointment for next week to change my medication.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by penguinh

I think I need to return to therapy but I'm afraid my therapist might reject me because the last time we tried Skype therapy sessions, it did not end well and he said he didn't want to do it again.

Possible trigger:

I am scared. I cannot stop thinking about suicide as a rational choice to be made. I've never thought of suicide in this way... devoid of any emotions. It scares me.

I already made an appointment for next week to change my medication.

Reach out to someone if you can. Please stay safe. You are cared about.

Today had to be the best day of this week. Except I had something happen to make me feel bad about myself. It was a little thing that happened at work. It was really nothing, but it was a big deal to me emotionally. I had been feeling like I'm losing my mind and can't do anything right like I used to.

One thing that happened at work today that lifted my spirits was that a woman co-worker just came in my room and gave me a packet of dried fruit & brown sugar (I use brown sugar for oatmeal) that was high-quality. It was very thoughtful of her! I really needed that more than anything else with the way this week had been going for me (needed the kindness more than the packets!).

On Tuesday, my friend came over in the late afternoon and spent the night with me. He was able to come over because his wife and daughter were going to a show near where I live. I really had a very nice time when he stayed with me.

[3rd rock]

No, but I was so close...

[Tkb1966]

Originally Posted by 2daffodils

I'm sorry you're struggling. Have you thought about something to help you sleep? I know how I get without it, and yes it's like getting irritable and confused for me. There are natural things to start with, like cammomile tea, essential lavender oil, or melatonin. Getting enough sleep is important. Do you have a doctor to talk to about this?

Thanks for replying. I fall asleep fast usually but I wake up after maybe 2-3 hours later. I have general anxiety. It's constant. It's 3:15am I've been up since 12am. My son (23) came to my house very drunk tonight and said a couple of hurtful things to me and made me cry. He is my baby. Very sweet and good to his mom. So it made me cry and not want to go back to sleep. I'm still really irritable. I don't see a psychiatrist any more because I believe they need a psychiatrist more than I do. I've seen my therapist regularly for almost 13 years now. Really depressed now. My mom, brother and niece are here. I don't know how I'm going to hide this in the morning. I hate the mask we have to hide behind. But it's really not acceptable to tell people your depressed. I even lie about it occasionally to my therapist. I'll try and sleep now. I know it makes it worse when I don't sleep.

[3rd rock]

I know why nobody buys my books, it's because I'm an awful writer. Poorly written, incoherent crap.