[Humpty Dumpty]

I can feel my depression getting worse everyday. I am on a downward slide right now. There was so much I wanted to get done this week, but I barely got anything done and let other people that were counting on me down in the process. I come here to vent and hope to find support only to feel like all I do is whine & complain. So I try to so others the support I would want to feel. I start reading other threads & the more I read the worse I feel. The worse I feel the more I think about making a post until I remember I complain too much & I should help others. I then remember how reading other posts makes me feel worse so I don't say anything & continue to feel worse. I just want it to end. I have the means to do so, but what if I mess up? What if I survive but only damage my body worse than it already is? So in the end I do nothing but sit here and bemoan about how bad things are for me not willing to do anything about it one way or another. Just wishing for the rare incident that will kill me. Maybe Sunday someone will come shoot up my church. (Why not? It's happening more and more often.)
I remember one of the worst days of my life was when I woke up from a "routine" surgery. I am always thinking back to that wishing i would have never woke up.

[Thirty shades]

((((Humpty Dumpty))))

Venting is good, its not whining or complaining....
You help others here with your eloquent posts
And you give your wife support too

I understand your thoughts hoping for eternal peace....
I have been through a very bad spell recently and relate totally to everything you have said
Today, I am glad I made it through those darker days
Life for us will have its ups and downs

I post at PC when I am feeling really bad. That is what PC is for, a safe place to vent. Sometimes you can look back at your posts and see patterns that you then can recognize when they start happening again.

Never feel bad about expressing your true feelings. Bottling them up leads to more problems. When I read your posts, I find myself wishing that you didn't feel as depressed but it is what it is. You might feel even worse if you didn't post here! Your venting could be saving your life!

When I first came to PC in June 2016 (Mysterious then some #), I remembered very well the deep depression that caused me to attempt. Reading you posts back then was helpful because it helped knowing others felt so suicidal. Your posts ARE very helpful. Please keep on posting.

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by Humpty Dumpty

I can feel my depression getting worse everyday. I am on a downward slide right now. There was so much I wanted to get done this week, but I barely got anything done and let other people that were counting on me down in the process. I come here to vent and hope to find support only to feel like all I do is whine & complain. So I try to so others the support I would want to feel. I start reading other threads & the more I read the worse I feel. The worse I feel the more I think about making a post until I remember I complain too much & I should help others. I then remember how reading other posts makes me feel worse so I don't say anything & continue to feel worse. I just want it to end. I have the means to do so, but what if I mess up? What if I survive but only damage my body worse than it already is? So in the end I do nothing but sit here and bemoan about how bad things are for me not willing to do anything about it one way or another. Just wishing for the rare incident that will kill me. Maybe Sunday someone will come shoot up my church. (Why not? It's happening more and more often.)
I remember one of the worst days of my life was when I woke up from a "routine" surgery. I am always thinking back to that wishing i would have never woke up.

The difference between whining and complaining and venting is that whiners and complainers are not interested in changing anything about the environment. People that vent often want solutions or at least understanding so that they can gain perspective.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Humpty Dumpty Please keep writing here if it helps. You're NOT whining, you're just venting! These are serious issues you're dealing with, after all. Anyone would want to vent, so that's totally understandable. Please don't be so hard to yourself. You don't HAVE to read the other posts if it's making you feel worse. It's great that you want to help people, but you don't have to neglect yourself! Trust me when I say that you're doing a lot by making these relatable threads, like this thread has already shown. Keep doing that if it helps you! You're a strong, wonderful person. I'm sure you'll be able to get through all of this. Keep fighting. I'm glad you're here with us on PC. I hope it helps a little bit. Anything that may help you. Do you have a support system in your life? Any friends or family member that you could reach out to? What do you like to do in your free time? Anything that may help you. Please don't give up. Try to hang on. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, Humpty Dumpty. You don't deserve to suffer at all. You're a strong, wonderful person

[Humpty Dumpty]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

Do you have a support system in your life? Any friends or family member that you could reach out to? What do you like to do in your free time?

No I don't have a support system. My wife doesn't like to talk about my problems. She often gets upset whenever our discussions turn towards suicide. And I don't trust anyone else enough to talk about it. I don't really enjoy doing anything anymore. All I do now other than work is lay in bed and watch Netflix.

[Humpty Dumpty]

Thank you everyone so much for the support.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Thirty shades

((((Humpty Dumpty))))

Venting is good, its not whining or complaining....
You help others here with your eloquent posts
And you give your wife support too

I understand your thoughts hoping for eternal peace....
I have been through a very bad spell recently and relate totally to everything you have said
Today, I am glad I made it through those darker days
Life for us will have its ups and downs

(((((((( Humpty Dumpty )))))))

(((((((( Thirty shades )))))))))

[ADWith]

Venting is definitely therapeutic. What's your current lifestyle like? Exercise, fresh air, sun and overall health?

[Mopey]

Dear HumptyDumpty,

At the risk of sounding callous and unfeeling, which I really don't want to do, I have to say that when I read your above post this morning I found it kind of wonderful, in a dark, futile, macabre way. I even felt a slight pressure on my funny bone. There is something darkly humorous about it that improved my own mood, strangely enough.

Be assured I wouldn't say those things unless I'd many times been where you are now, and am quite familiar with how it feels. It basically SUCKS.

Sometimes you just have to say "Screw it", and give up, by which I mean just stop trying, stop thinking, and trudge through the day.

I for one am very glad you woke up from your surgery. ((Many hugs ))

[Fuzzybear]

I’m familiar with how it feels too..

I’m grateful that at times I improve some people’s moods.

I, completely selfishly, am also “glad” you’re here Humpty Dumpty

[Humpty Dumpty]

Originally Posted by Mopey

....
Sometimes you just have to say "Screw it", and give up,

I want to so bad. Believe me I do. I hope 1 day I can get the courage to. I am going to try to get there real soon.

[Mopey]

By “give up” , H.D., I dont mean give up life. I mean give up trying to reach some impossible goal. I don’t know you, so I dont know exactly what constitutes your despair. In the end of course it is a deeply personal choice.

May I ask what truly constitutes your suffering? What it is that causes you to want to give up life?

I can understand that your wife becomes upset when you talk to her about giving up, but could you talk to us here at all about it? The roots of it?

I’ll share with you that my husband had such thoughts when he was recovering from heart surgery and thought he would never again get well enough to go outside. (((((Many hugs))))).

[captaineo]

Hi HumptyDumpty, something that helps me is accept I am depressed and then work with exercise, showers, nice movie, chatting with my friends in this forum. Getting depressed for being depressed doesn’t help. Wish you happiness and nothing lasts for ever so hang in there

[Mopey]

Humpty I can only hope you're doing better... I thought about you for a long time last night. And I hope I haven't done any harm. I've wanted so much to help.

There's just one more thing I wanted to add about the nature of depression itself, and that is that I've found over the years that it's a whole lot easier if you learn techniques to nip it in the bud, than if it has carried you down into the vortex and landed on you, keeping you there.

Because at that stage, it really is self perpetuating and one doesn't see any way out. As you said in your first post, your mind will go around and around on a sort of treadmill in which there is no opening. (mixing metaphors there)...

The only thing I've found that works at that stage, and it's the very last thing you feel like doing, is to find something that breaks the cycle. For some it can be physical activity, for some just going to a movie, or whatever, but whatever it is for the moment it will lift you out of that awful place where you've been stuck and into a different place. Hoping you can find that...
((((((:group hug))

[Humpty Dumpty]

Originally Posted by Mopey

Humpty I can only hope you're doing better... I thought about you for a long time last night. And I hope I haven't done any harm. I've wanted so much to help.

You have not done any harm. I don't know how to say this other than I am done. I am done fighting with this disease. I know it will eventually kill me and I am done delaying the inevitable. 1 day soon I hope to be able to work up the courage to do something. I have gone to far down this hole to be able to get out. There's always a way out that is true for most people. And most people you can fit them nice and neat into a box and treat them the same way you do everyone else in the box. Well I'm not most people. Every so often you will find someone who is incurable. No matter how much you want to believe that they can be cured some people just can't be. I am 1 of those people.

[Mopey]

Yes, I understand. You alone know what is right for you.